Last week my oldest daughter participated in the Fine Arts Fair a
local high school put together. Apart from the group choir; she was
entered in a duet with a classmate, a clarinet solo, and a vocal solo.
Fifth grade is the first year students are eligible for band at my
daughter's school. Although my daughter wanted to play the trumpet, the
woman who teaches introductory band said that my daughter was too
flighty as the trumpet requires more attention than the clarinet.
Uncharacteristically, I was scheduled to work that Saturday morning so I
missed all of the performances except the group choir. Our choir was
medium sized compared to others, but they were loud enough so I could
hear them even on the far side of the gym.
It is not an exaggeration to say that my daughter hates playing the
clarinet. Her instructor is reluctant to give her another instrument,
and I can hardly blame her, because my daughter does not have the
attention span other instruments require, further, my daughter appears
to have some natural talent as a clarinetist. The band needs clarinets
and does not need more trumpet players. I am also quite sure, but not
positive, that my daughter will start playing the trumpet and quickly
realize that practicing the trumpet is just as loathesome as playing the
clarinet. I spoke to the band teacher about running lessons over the
summer. I'm afraid that if my daughter drops band she's going to miss
out on some of the fun things that come with being in band, however that
may be a choice she has to make.
As far as my job goes, California has been a disappointment. Things
do not go out on time, when they go out, things I requested for various
customers are missing. There's been a lot of miscommunication, my
customers are happy with the products but I am fed up with the owner's
son, his attitude and his unwillingness to cooperate. My relationship
with my business partner has been difficult as well. When we were out in
California she said she didn't want to make cold calls. I can
appreciate that as there are few that do, it ought to go without saying
that cold calling is a part of any sales job. It made my trip to
California extremely frustrating and I was unhappy when she told me she
was not going to accompany me to an inservice that was scheduled in half
an hour.
Last Monday we were scheduled to drop off lunch with a practitioner.
When we arrived, he was not there and his office manager wasn't sure how
the confusion had occurred but he was still out on vacation. He did
call and unfortunately I missed that call. I returned his call but
haven't heard back from him since. He still has a scanner we let him
borrow so my plan is to drop by and see if I can at least get that back
from him. The other day I was talking to a girlfriend of mine, I shared
some recent frustrations and she thought that maybe I need some time to
just be. During our last conference call I told California that I didn't
like the way things were being handled, they didn't get the hint so now
I have to find a way to tell them that I'm quitting.
My former business partner/friend keeps calling and texting. I tend
to be the forgiving type but there are some lines that once crossed,
can't be uncrossed. Flaking out on me is one thing but refusing to show
up at a professional event for one of your clients because you don't
feel like going is unacceptable. I no longer want to hang out with her. I
feel bad about this because in the past she was someone I enjoyed
hanging out with and talking to. Maybe in the future we can be friends
again but in my mind, she is a large part of reason that California is
reluctant to invest much in its sales force out here.
During the one good snowstorm we had this winter my husband made a
last minute decision to take the girls skiing. Maybe it was good that I
didn't have a lot of time to pack and organize things since overall, the
trip went much better than I had expected it to. My mother-in-law came
with us, she's not an expert skier, I've only gone once before but it
was nice to have her company as I rode the ski lift with my youngest. My
husband's former aunt by marriage has a place out in Colorado we could
stay at. After discussing it, my husband feels that the girls need more
control before we start skiing in the mountains. Both girls are
improving each time they go. My youngest is especially graceful, her
sister is more interested in speed which nicely sums up the difference
between the two.
Right after I came home from California we found out that both girls
have celiac disease. Neither of them can tolerate dairy products
although we're still not sure whether lactose, casein, or whey is
the culprit. Getting that news was upsetting. They were furious with me,
initially I had told them that going gluten free was a trial period
that would end with the new year. My husband said he can't accept the
test results and that has been the source of I do not know how many
fights. Celiac disease is an auto-immune condition where the villi of
the small intestine break off in the presence of gluten. No one is sure
why this happens but it does and a good/bad trait of this damage is it
can occur without pain so cheating is easier than if you have a life
threatening food allergy.
Numerous arguments have taken place between me, who has this disease,
has done quite a bit of research on it and eats a relatively clean diet
- mostly organic foods and almost no processed items - and the rest of
my family, my mother in particular who smokes, and has stated that she
would rather live with whatever gluten does to intolerant people than
give up bread or doughnuts. When your body doesn't work right, you can't
afford to cheat. At almost eleven and soon to be nine my children are
slight. My oldest wears a seven slim and needs a belt to keep her jeans
from falling down. My youngest still fits into her size six jean shorts,
she hasn't hit fifty pounds yet and her sister can't pass the sixty
pound mark either.
There are two mutually exclusive philosophies that we argue about. My
philosophy does not treat all calories as equal. The focus is on high
quality fats and proteins with carbs coming mainly from organic fruits
and vegetables. I give the girls several vitamin supplements since we
know that they are unable to extract the maximum vitality from their
food. Slowly, I've seen some gradual improvements although since they
cheat on their diets I feel as if we're constantly taking one step
forward and two or three back. My family seems to think that giving the
girls food that will damage their bodies is important since this
addresses their psychological needs. Their argument is that the girls
need more calories and a Hershey bar or occasional gluten containing
item should be permitted since the girls want to be just like everybody
else.
To say that I hate certain people that I am forced to deal with is an
overstatement. People in my family have certain convictions and nothing
is going to sway their opinions. These people are toxic to me,
challenging my role as a mother and attacking me in areas that would
cause me to turn from priciples I've adopted. Online and in my
community, I'm generally regarded as someone who may not have all the
answers but is willing to listen and can be a resource. Honestly, I
don't know as much about feet and shoes as people think. It's an area
that interests me so I do a lot of reseach, sometimes I get things wrong
but I try and learn from my mistakes which are unavoidable.
Over the past couple years I've lost about thirty pounds. While I'm
never going to have the perfect hourglass figure my top and bottom are
both a size two and I'd like to lose a few pounds but people I know and
respect tell me that I look at least half my age and I feel better about
myself than I have in years. My coloring has improved, growing up my
teeth bothered me, the last time I went to the dentist I was amazed at
how much whiter they are. My skin is less prone to the rashes I've dealt
with in the past and I eat three good meals a day without snacking and
most of the time my system is okay with that.
Right now, I don't know where I'm going or what I can do about the
situation I'm in at home. Last night I went to bed earlier than I
normally do. Before I went skiing I met a Pakistani physician whose
ideas profoundly affected me. When I follow his dietary outline, I get
hungry, I eat, and then I am satisfied. Last night I wasn't really
hungry but I ate anyways because I knew I wouldn't be able to when I was
at work. Consequently I felt overly full and that persisted through the
night. An interesting thing about this new plan is that much of the
tension I used to carry around is slowly receding. I've been able to get
out more, do a few more things around the house and I think I'm able to
focus and write better as well.
The other night I went to hang out with the girls who were playing
with Legos. Initially, this diet makes you very tired. I had forgotten
that but it is hopefully a temporary thing and I would gladly accept
drowsiness if my daily pain is lessened. Occupational therapy focuses on
conservation of energy. I watched a video that spoke to me as it dealt
with women with a condition that I have. I went through my clothes and
did the same for the girls. Roughly half of it was packed away, my goal
is to trim wardrobes down to the absolute basics so I can manage laundry
better and the girls don't have as much trouble keeping their room
clean.
My oldest is very much like me in many respects. A while ago we got
into a terrible fight. My youngest is very sensitive, having her sister
and mother battle like that prompted her to write a heartwrenching note
to both of us. After the fight, I held my daughter and told her that I
was sorry for the things I had said and done. She kept crying and I
think that she puts on a brave front so people don't suspect that she's
hurting on the inside. The fight was awful but since then my daughter
has been better about telling me that she loves me and I've tried to be
better about seeing things from her perspective. Her grades have fallen
and keep dropping which is another issue. She's going to take a math
class during the summer so she's not starting sixth grade behind the
eight ball.
After the girls get out of school our family is going to drive to
Florida. Down there, I'm going to really focus on trying to build the
girls and myself up. I'm hoping it will be a time where the three of us
can spend some quality time together. We're going to be staying at my
father-in-law's place so we'll have kitchen and laundry facilities which
the girls aren't interested in but will make my life easier. For some
reason, certain people consistently attack me on the areas where I am
strong and they are weak. Pedorthics is my job, education is a large
component of it and I have much to learn but I guarantee that I have a
level of knowledge that supercedes that of any of my family members.
People in my family go behind my back to buy my girls shoes that they
know I won't approve of but are currently fashionable and trendy items.
My husband refuses to acknowledge that my daughter has a trim flexible
foot, he bought both girls shoes for a wedding they attended when I was
out in California. Both pairs were too short, ridiculous in their
construction and I have a hard time understanding why anyone would want
to stress growing ankles merely because a certain pair of shoes is cute.
The other day I told him that I hated him, his response was not what I
expected, I shouldn't have said what I did but like water can wear away
stone I can only take so many attacks on things I endorse and believe.
A while ago I told myself that I wasn't going to write daylogs as
many of mine reiterate things that have no resolution since a lot of
these things have been building for years. Now, I have some new coping
skills because I am calmer on this new diet plan. What astounds me is
this Pakistani man reached out to me, he got nothing from me yet he was
willing share what he knows with me in the interest of improving my life
on every level. I believe that people are in my life for a reason. If
the reason appears to be good and promotes my feelings of self worth and
adequacy, I look for ways to keep these people. If not, I try to find
ways to distance myself from them even if that means mentally retreating
while being physically present.
Reading RedOmega's daylogs and hearing him talk in the catbox is
hard for me. Having mixed connective tissue disorder means that my body
hurts. April is Sjogren's Syndrome awareness month. Having that means
that my mouth, eyes, ears, and skin are painfully dry, it can also
attack major organs so I have that as a possible future consideration.
Having celiac disease means my digestive system does not work right, and
having all of these together means that things like Raynaud's
phenomenon and peripheral neuropathy are considered secondary instead
of primary afflictions. Diseases do not give people an excuse but they
need to be understood and managed as it is something that most people
haven't dealt with and can't accept since outwardly, I do look okay.
I do not have an active death wish but a lot of the time it seems as
if I'm searching for answers that aren't there. If I get divorced, I'll
still have to deal with my husband and the people in my family who want
to give the girls things they can't have. I don't have any money, I have
accumulated a nice stack of bills from seeing various specialists, if I
quit my job I'll have less money but it isn't working out and I can't
support sales that help a company where my main contact is hostile. The
good news in all of this is I am starting to feel slightly better than I
have in the past and hopefully will continue to take some small steps
forward. I've gotten better at calmly stating my position and asserting
my children's right to safe food which is really what I want for
everyone. Safety has been denied me for a long time but I'm starting to
find peace within myself thanks to some of the people I know. Thank you,
you know who you are.
Peace be with you and yours,
Jessica
P.S. A quick shout out to Pandeism Fish for the node audit updates, to vonCube for allowing me to post the vonCube corollary, to corvus, who doesn't like my homenode, and to whoever said something in passing that made me realize how much I missed writing.
j