An Artichokehold is, naturally, a
chokehold applied to an
artichoke. This may be necessary as a prelude to subduing the artichoke in preparation for a
meal.
It is
vitally important to get
behind the artichoke, either by
stealth or
chicanery, or by
swift maneuvering from a face-to-face
stance. Quickly bring one
arm around the
neck of the artichoke, until the head is ensconced in the
crook of the
elbow. Then bring the
forearm of the other arm up directly behind the head of the artichoke, until the wrist of the front arm is firmly pressed near the elbow of the back arm. This allows you to grip the back arm as needed to exert
authority. Use both the forearm behind the artichoke and bicep of the front arm in front of it to exert pressure as needed to
control and subdue the artichoke. If it struggles excessively, initiate a
takedown whereby the artichoke is brought down to a
level surface, whether a
floor or
table, where further
violence can be utilised to make it your
dinner.
Pin it to that surface. Once you have pinned it down, you can slam it down -- without releasing the artichokehold -- a few times to
stun it; it is at that point that you can then release the hold and simply start pounding it ferociously with your
fists,
screaming, "I
hate you!! I hate you!! You ruined my
life,
motherfucker!!"
After this, simply broil it at a low boil for around 45 minutes. Optionally, serve with melted
butter.
And that is how you make an artichoke.