February 3, 2004

Life as usual.

I have decided that for every daylog I write I will write 2 more nodes, so maybe this will give me some motivation.

Beautiful things come shining from the soul.

Things have been getting more intimate between me and my girlfriend. Not intimate in physical way, but intimate emotionally. I connect with here now on a higher level then before. We could be across the table and a glance is all I need to tell here how I feel.

I feel like I love her. I haven't told her yet, but the time is soon. I have a whole Valentine's Day devoted just to her. I will make three appointments for her and I told her to leave the day totally opened so it should work.

First appointment is a massage. Second appointmentis a haircut and third appointment is her nails. Then in the evening we will go out to one of her favorite Italian restaraunts, where I will give here a pearl necklace for her birthday present. (Her birthday is Febraury 13th.)

Change your job or change your life?

I have recently changed jobs from UPS to Wal-Mart. I work at the produce side of a Supercenter, which means everyone and their grandma thought it was the end of the world last Saturday and decided to raid our store.

I have a problem with being in a Wal-mart, let alone working at one. I am slightly claustrophobic, so I get a little iffy around crowds. I become short of breathe and I start to panic. Once, I swear, I was buying some pants in the checkout line and I threw them at the cashier and screamed. I then ran out the door (without the pants) and threw-up on the sidewalk. Scary thing to think that I might be the guy handling your veggies, isn't it?

If my feet keep running faster on the ground, maybe I'll fly.

I am a very busy person. Mostly because I volunteer for everything under the sun. I have a problem with saying 'no'. Everytime someones asks me to do something new, I try to form the words with my mouth, but it always comes out 'yeah-a-essss'. Don't be like me

Well, Mr. Sandman is knocking on my office door, looking at his watch and asking me when he can put me to sleep. I (while still looking at the computer moniter) wave him away while saying, "I'll be down soon". He just rolls his eyes and scuttles away.

Goodnight

I have moved back into the cabin- a place that is best described as a glorified tool shed which has been insulated and does not have running water. It is small, it is intimate, it is $40/week. The floor is cold and the rest is kept relatively warm by a single space-heater. In many ways, it is a blissful change from the situation I have been living in for the last two years. I no longer must deal with having an over-reactionary roommate and his undisciplined dog and his lunatic ex-girlfriend who can't seem to stay out of his life for more than a week (and who, incidentally, makes him crazy, too). I have washed my hands of that ordeal and have resumed a life of relative solitude once again. And I will soon have 'net access at home, which means less time in public just to get my email and surf the 'net. This makes me happy. For now.

I am still working as a bouncer at a strip club. It is not a job that I like, nor is it one that I intend to do for much longer. Now that I am paying less rent, I am able to save up some money. Once I save up enough money, I will quit the bouncer job and go looking for something more "meaningful"- definitely more lucrative and safer.

I have resumed writing again. I have not touched my book-in-progress in almost a year. It is a slow-going process, but it is one that I feel may be "back on track" now that I have fewer distractions in my home life.

Part of the reason my rent is so low is because I will be using my knowledge of 3D modelling as a way to pay the remainder of my rent. My first "student" will be my landlord. He already knows quite a bit about modelling, but isn't too savvy with it. Once I bring him up to speed he would like to start a 3D-modelling tutoring program/business, with us acting as the instructors/tutors. Perhaps this may work, perhaps not. But it seems interesting and new and a way to apply my knowledge in a constructive manner, so I am pleased to attempt it.

My cell phone is active, which means that I can now receive phone calls, even though no one really calls me. I guess it's a bonus that I can now make calls, too. I can definitely get back into the whole dating thing.

I am currently seeing a young woman... kinda-but-not-really. She is learning the truth of a statement someone from my past once claimed: Crossword puzzles are an aphrodisiac. Through our glib intellectual réparté we are growing closer and more familiar with one another. This is a good thing. I met her 2 years ago here at the café and was instantly attracted, but I lacked the balls to say/do anything about it. Last month she was doing a crossword puzzle, hit a stumbling block and approached me for help- the rest is sorta evolutionary and irrelevant, but nice. She's a cool chick and I like 'er. Apparently she can withstand being in my presence for more than 10 minutes, which is also good. But I find myself wondering: does she only want me for my crossword puzzle skills? My, how far the mighty have fallen... and I wasn't all that mighty in the first place, alas.

I turn 31 this year. I have resigned myself to this fate, not at all motivated to try and avert its inevitability. More gray hairs. More aching bones. More set in my ways. Less tolerance for "kids". Fewer options. More "seasoning". Less time. I no longer expect to ever start my own family this late in the game. I do not expect to finish my book or, if I do, ever have it published. I do not expect to be a celebrated author or visionary. I will not follow in my dad's footsteps, but will most assuredly follow in my father's.

Getting older means that you tend to learn what acceptance really means.

When I was a young fry my mother forbid me from playing in the street. She forbid me from even crossing the street, she said it was far too dangerous. Only when I got older did she give me permission to go out in the neighborhood and ride around on my bike. I was told to always get out of the street when I saw cars coming, though. She drilled it into my consciousness that cars were dangerous and you would ABSOLUTELY DIE if you got hit by one.

Fast forward about twenty years later, I drive through my neighborhood and kids are riding their bikes around, but it's different. Either these kids have the amazing mutant power of being able to ride a bicycle while deaf and blind, or their parents don't give a flying fuck about their safety. They don't get out of the way. The pedal along RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY GOD DAMN CAR. They don't acknowledge that I'm there. They weave around in the middle of the street, careless. They is no getting over to the side of the road, waiting until the car has passed. It's kind of turned into the Activision game freeway except the chickens are now kids ... and the whole business of possible fatalities.

Has our society become so litigious that parents are now teaching their children to try to get struck by cars? Because the kids where I live are making a dedicated effort. I stand on the horn to get these kids to sit up and notice. They'll slowly get out of the way. Many times I lower the window and say "get out of the road!" but they just look at me as if to say, "Hey, can't you see I'm RIDING HERE?".

Those bicycles would look great as a twisted pile of scrap metal in the dumpster behind my office.

Reflections on my first half century 

On the occasion of my 51^st birthday I find myself filled with gratitude and wonder. I've led a good life thus far and have been blessed with an early appreciation of the journey as well as the destination. The rewards haven't come easily — I've always worked hard and never let an opportunity pass me by — but, like an orchard, as the branches of the trees have weathered and matured, the harvest has become more bountiful and the fruit more satisfying.

I'm thankful for the many excellent people in my life as well. I'm not naturally gregarious, tending to find more delight delving into the endless mysteries of science and nature rather than stumbling and faltering in the rough and tumble chaos of personal relationships. I don't make friends very easily and my small circle of intimates are cherished, each and every one.

Finding E2 a little over a year ago allowed me to expand that circle to include a group of you that I'd otherwise never have met and for that I'm also grateful. This quirky little virtual town of ours has filled a hole in my grouchy old heart that I didn't even know existed.

I wish I could offer you some profound, or at least useful, wisdoms but most of life, it appears to me, is just putting one foot ahead of the other and following your own path with conscience and good humor.  So, in lieu of high flying rhetoric, here's a toast to E2 and a thanks to all for making it the way it is.

Saludos y pesetas y tiempo para gustarlo

-Grouch

PS, tomorrow I go back to being grumpy again so watch out. Grrrrrr!

2/3/04..... I have been waiting for this day for months now, and I really don't know why!

It all started with a dream I had. "Let me explain... no, there is too much. Let me sum up" (princess bride quote for all you people with no tv's or vcr's). I had a dream a few months back that made me feel kinda odd. I was in a building and i felt that there was an enourmous elephant... almost mammoth like, coming after me. I was scared, so I locked the front door and ran upstairs. I got a gun from someone upstairs. As I fumbled it and myself back downstairs to face the beast, I found the door broken open with a note on it reading, "I'll be back on 2/3/04". Being a little concerned, I got it interpreted from this website I contact when I have a dream throw me through a loop. The interpretation said that it had to do with work and they though that I would be getting a new job on that day. I currently had a job that I was not too thrilled with, but it was good enough for the time, so I embarked on a journy to find a new job. Hot Jobs, here I come.

So, for the past few months I have been searching for jobs around the nation expecting to get the email of salvation to take me away from this job of graphic monotany on this magical day. As of 4:27 pm, nothing.

I am a cancer, not like humans being a cancer to the planet, but my sun sign in the zodiac is cancer. What, you ask, does this have to do with anything? My now ex-girlfriend recently brough to my attention that cancers are prone to martyrdom.We are willing to sacrifice everything worldly for a more greater security. My life is kept interesting through the following of certain signs and foresights, or so I like to think. The realization that all cancers think similar to me was a huge blow to my life's credibility. I will probably continue to take myself on these wild goose chases anyway. This is my game, and these hands were made for clinging, so I shall continue on, but the information was rather humbling, and this day is not fortifying my lofty ideas of prophecy. Such is life, I suppose.

---

I got a new job later... and it's taken me places I'd never have gone without it! Life is so intricate!