This all started a year ago last month. This girl, whom I had come close to hooking up with in '02, before I had to go to prison on a probation violation, well, I didn't hook up with her then, because I didn't wanna leave her while I had to go do time. The time I had to go do turned into a few years rather than months.
I got out of prison in 12/05, by which time she was locked in a loveless, abusive marriage, with 2 kids by the prick. In feb. of last year, she left him after he had started getting physically abusive, and we became a couple.
Things were great, I had finally found a woman who cared about her kids, went to church regularly, etc. Only problem is, is that I had started using my substances of choice again, which aren't kiddie stuff. The first few times she caught me using the shit, we had huge fights about it, she threatened to leave me, etc., but I would tearfully talk her into giving me another chance. Within two months of us hooking up, she was using all I was using, IV heroin, cocaine, etc.
This went on until early november, when i had to go do a slap on the wrist for a dirty ua. As soon as I was gone, we had made the agreement that she was going to do a detox, followed by a three month inpatient rehab, to get her shit straight and get her kids back. (she had lost temp custody due to the divorce shit).
well, as soon as I was gone, she's living on the street down in the hood, renting her vehicle for crack, selling her cooch, she broke in my place and got my 36"plasma, 2 xboxes, my psp... then she broke in my grandma's and got $300 cash, then she got her cousins checkbook and cleaned out her account... she was coming to visit me when i was in county before i got transfered, maintaining like she was under control, but she was really out there prostituting herself and sleeping on peoples porches in cracktown and shit.
I'm finding out now that I'm out that now only was she fucking for drugs and money, but pretty much just for kicks while she was getting high. I'm devastated by this, of course...I'm just shocked by what a complete change of character she displayed. I thought I knew her, and what she was about, but I could have not been more wrong. i don't live there anymore, but i was down this weekend getting clothes, seeing my son, etc, and she saw her sister and had her sister to tell me that i just need to move on with my life.
I had got with my old drug counseler two weeks ago when i first got out, and got her a bed lined up in a rehab... but she wasn't trying to hear it. she told her sister she's not going to quit yet'. her sister asked her why, she said' i don't know'.
she's living with these street dealers, they're beating the shit out of her and making them work the streets, then taking her money and feeding her just enough dope to keep her jonesing. one of them beat her so bad, she went into convulsions... the dealer had to call her mom at 4 am to come get her... her dad went to get her, but 45 minutes later she had someone come pick her up and went back down there.
what's killing me is lack of closure... I feel like i've been reading the most emotional novel ever, for the past year, and the last few pages are missing. I'm just stuck... I still love her, no matter what she's become, but i can't be with her. that's a first for me... usually a break up is because we can't get along, have different goals, etc, never anything like this.
so whoever said 'tis better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all...', well, i don't always agree with that.
The most fucked up part of all, as disgusted as I am by who she's become is that I still have her on my mind almost constantly... I just need to move on, like she says, but I don't know how.