I'm having one of those days, not just because I can't think of things to write, but because my thoughts are trending toward conflict and catastrophizing. I'm inventing scenarios or wrongs and injustices that are weeks in the future just so I can seethe about them. They aren't particularly realistic and I don't actually think that they'll happen but I still torment myself. This gets worse when I don't eat which is made worse by the fact I only rarely feel hungry if I'm sitting still. I'm usually sitting still when I'm not at work and especially when I'm noding so I don't feel hungry even when I haven't eaten. All of this could obviously be solved by just eating meals at the appropriate time. I don't find myself doing that. The passive phrasing there is the closest I can get to expressing what it feels like. It doesn't feel like I'm choosing not to eat. It feels like I just am not hungry. I know that I am and that the longer I wait the more misery I'll inflict on myself and somehow it just doesn't connect to anything. I don't care that I'm miserable and I can fix it relatively easily.
This is pretty weird when I actually think about it because it's not like I do things to cause myself suffering. I'm not a masochist. It's the actual doing part that seems to be the sticking point. I'm pretty good about not doing the things that I don't want to. Restraint in the face of temptation or provocation isn't really an area I've had trouble with over the course of my life. I might feel a bit of pride in that if the counter point wasn't a whole lot of inaction in the face of genuine need. I don't have issues with doing things once they're part of my routine. I'm fine about brushing my teeth or other basic life maintenance stuff. It's the starting and the even caring that's the problem. That's a big part of why I find myself here every November. Participation in Iron Noder has been a constant in my life for several years now. I want to write in some abstract sense. On a good day I want to write on a concrete level and I can and I even manage to feel good about my work which is kind of a big deal for me. Iron Noder pushes me through the abstraction and sometimes I manage to land on something meaningful and things just click into place. Flow state.
I've been looking for the just clicking thing in my larger life and that gets me to care about trying to improve myself, my job, my circumstances. For all of the whining I just did it's not like I haven't had success. My posture is better. I'm happy about this in an abstract way. I set a medium sized goal and accomplished it. That's good. It feels like real progress. Progress toward some better me off in the foggy distance. I want to care about that. I just don't quite. Incremental progress in goals that I hope to look back on and think "that was worth it" is probably better than simply stewing in apathy but it's a bitter pill. Mildly bitter. The kind of bitter that's still unpleasant but not so unpleasant that you feel a sense of accomplishment afterward. I'm writing in circles.
IRON NODER XV: LAST SECOND BARE BONES IRON NODER FREAKOUT!