Imagine you are dating someone new. That first year you are together, he gives you red roses and a sparkly ring for your birthday. You take a photo and post it on your Instagram account, showing off what your "amazing boyfriend" gave you. You seem to have a lot in common: a love of hiking, of nature photography. You've never felt this happy before. Two years pass, and he proposes. You say yes! You know he has been engaged before, and that it ended badly, but it'll be different with you. He proposed to the right person this time. You can't wait to start planning the wedding.
What you don't know is that he still looks up his ex-fiancee on social media. He views her photos, but never contacts her.
Until one day, he does.
I'm not the happy girl who just got engaged in this story. I'm the ex-fiancee, the woman her man still thinks about.
I should start with what happened two months ago.
My ex sent me a follow request on Instagram. That was weird because we've had very little contact since the breakup three years ago. Any attempts on my part to contact him (of which there were many, at first) were met with silence. He wanted nothing to do with me. I'd accepted that and was doing my best to move on. I didn't think I would ever hear from him again, so when that notification appeared on my phone, I couldn't believe it. I clicked on it and opened the app to view the request directly. Nothing. It wasn't there anymore. Feeling slightly unsettled, I told myself I'd imagined it and went on with my day as usual.
Later that night, I checked my notifications again while getting ready for bed. The follow request was there again. I took a screenshot this time. Clicked through to the app. It was still there. I could click "accept" or "reject." Took a screenshot of that too, so if it disappeared I'd have proof it really happened. Why did he want to follow me? Up until recently, my account had been public. I'd set it to private perhaps a month ago. I'd also changed my username. How had he found me? Had he been looking at my account before I set it to private? I didn't know what to think of it all, so I left it alone and went to sleep. I'd decide what to do about it later. But when I checked it in the morning, it was gone. Again. He'd cancelled his request.
That messed me up for a few weeks. Had that happened a year ago, I would have been thrilled to hear from him. But now? I didn't know if I wanted to talk to him or not. Part of me desperately wanted him to call me up and tell me he was wrong, that he was sorry. Another part of me — the smarter part — knew it was a bad idea to talk to him. I wasn't in a good enough place to deal with him. He'd done me a favour by cancelling his request. So I let it go. Eventually, I stopped thinking about it and re-focused on my life.
Fast forward to Saturday morning of this weekend. I was drinking coffee in my living room, surrounded by cardboard boxes. I had just moved into a one-bedroom apartment the previous week. My plan for the day was to unpack boxes, then look for plants at the garden center to put in the backyard and hang outside the kitchen window. But first, I wanted to check my Facebook messages. I don't log into that account often, but I do talk to a few people on it, including my aunt. We were talking about me coming up for a visit later this summer. I finished reading her response then clicked on the "friend requests" tab. Two people I don't know. I scrolled down to look at the "suggested connections." There was a new profile in the lineup. I didn't recognize the girl, but I did recognize the guy in the photo with her. My ex. Great. He's dating someone. Unable to help myself, I clicked on her profile. Relationship status: Engaged. I think I stopped breathing for a moment. A feeling of disbelief and horror, followed by anger. He's engaged again already?!
I spent the rest of that morning freaking out on the phone with my friend M. She pointed out that it's "worth thinking about how you probably wouldn't want to be in her shoes right now, considering how he's still internet stalking you." I hadn't thought of him as stalking me, but she made the point that since he'd tried to add me twice, it was highly unlikely that he'd looked me up only those two times. I think that's probably true. Thinking on it further, I also realized that it wouldn't have been easy for him to find me. I'd changed my username, I didn't use my full name on there, and we didn't have any mutual connections. There's no way that I would have just popped up in a simple search.
After my freakout session, I forced myself to go to the garden center. I tried to enjoy myself but spent the entire time feeling as if I'd explode. My heart was beating like crazy. I carefully kept my face in a neutral expression, trying to hide my rage so I wouldn't look psychotic. When I got home, I screamed into my pillow. Should have done that before I went out. Threw myself into angrily unpacking the boxes in my kitchen, then went out and ran 8 kilometers. If it weren't for the cramp in my side, I would have done at least 10 or 11. I also did some internet stalking of my own. Found out that he'd blocked me on Instagram and set his account to public. That seemed weird because I hadn't even looked him up for over a year. Someone on Reddit (yes, I vented there too) suggested that he'd blocked me for himself, so he wouldn't be able to look at me anymore. That explanation seems most plausible to me. Or maybe that's just what I want to believe because it makes me feel better to think that he's not completely over me.
Now it's Sunday. I still feel shitty, but the anger is mostly gone. I slept in a couple of hours later than usual, then resumed unpacking the kitchen, periodically crying and feeling like I was going to vomit. I had a nap. Forced myself to eat. Got back up, unpacked some more. My brother texted me at some point, saying he had a housewarming gift to drop off when I was home. I didn't respond right away. By the time I did, he was unresponsive, so I'll have to wait to find out what he got me.
This wasn't how I'd planned to spend my weekend. I still got a lot done, so at least it wasn't a complete waste. I can't help wondering what the hell my ex is thinking. This entire time, I thought he didn't give a rat's ass about me. Well, apparently that's not true. And even though he's engaged, that doesn't mean that he's really moved on. It's never a good sign when the person you're dating is looking up their exes on social media. I'm not going to lie and say I'm not jealous of her. I am. But I also feel sorry for her. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes right now.
Oh yeah, also, I HAVE MY OWN APARTMENT NOW!!
So at least my life doesn't totally suck.