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I wrote this today in honor of the holiday season and posted it on the bulletin board of my fraternity house. I donno if it'll make any sense out of context, but what the hell. :) To the tune of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas", of course!

'Twas the night before Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa/Atheist Children Get Presents Day
And all through the house
Not a thing was burning in the fireplace
Not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung
in the non-Jews' rooms
While all else spun dredels as Chanukah looms.

And BC with his vodka
And Jimmy D with his BB gun
Had just lit the grill
For hamburgers and buns--
When down in the basement
There rose such a clatter
I spang from my bed to see what was the matter.

When, what to my ringing ears should sound
But the most horrible clanging and banging all around...
So as I stood in the foyer and crossed my arms
I knew in a moment it was the house fire alarm.

Now, Pinzy! Now, Boner! Now Berland and Ballz!
On, Firfer! On, Charlie! Someone go find Yuval!
To the front of the house, outside in the snow!
We must huddle and wait there
So there we shall go.

As I drew in my head and was turning around,
Down Chalmers the fire department came with a bound.
They were dressed all in black from their head to their feet,
And their clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

A bundle of hoses they had flung on their backs
And they looked mighty pissed to at our house be back.
Their eyes how they smoldered! Their frowns how pronounced!
As they grumbled and muttered and on the House Manager they pounced!

Gilbert had a grim face and a tear in his eye
For he knew the firemen would not let it slide.
He was not bright and cheery--no jolly old elf,
But I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to work,
And led all the firemen--
And pointing his finger aside of Jacques Plant (Jr.)
And giving a nod, to the basement they went.

They sprang down the stairs, with a mutter and scoff,
And after a while, the alarm did turn off.
And I heard them exclaim, as through the door they ducked,
"We let them out of fines before, but this time they're fucked!"

Happy holidays everyone! :)

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