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One of the things that I am often paid nine figures to lecture about is how to accept awards with dignity. A lot of people do not know how to do this. They get overly emotional, they don't thank the right people, they don't offer the right salute while pledging fealty to The Lord. Today I will bring you my nine figure earning lecture free of charge (in honor of the holidays).

I have won many awards in my life. This is a partial list.

Nobel Prize - 8

Pulitzer Prize - 13

Academy Award - 27

Emmy Award - 6

Caldicott Award - 7

Grammy - 17

Hugo Award - 22

The list goes on, but those are some of the key ones. As a result, being the accomplished writer that I am, I have been asked to receive a LOT of awards. I am just that good. It is why my publisher, Random House gave me a sixteen billion dollar advance on my next novel, which I haven't even started yet. I am THAT good. Seriously. When I walk down Main Street in your town I am FULLY justified in kicking every person who offends me with their tattoos and piercings and ending them right then and there before they become a burden to society. I am THAT good of a writer.

Stepping up to the podium after your name is called (I've never finished in anything but first place in awards voting because I am a winner) is a task. It is a task indeed. You can consider it up there with other tasks you have considered as such (tasks). I say enough here. There is no reason to question me unless you favor having your nut sack torn off by dogs (which I CAN arrange). I don't even need prodding. If you offend me, I take you out. It is my First Amendment right. You doubt me? Call Jefferson.

This country was set up with awards banquets in mind. It was one of the central planks that Jefferson had (I forget the first name) when he set things forth in motion. Due to being a great writer, I am tasked with compiling interdepartment memos on this and other topics. You need to keep abreast of these things. You need to stay current. Jefferson thought about awards and thought about giving them to me when he wrote the documents known to have played a part in the founding of this great nation. I was who he had in mind when he thought about patriotism (even though I am German he wasn't born here anyway and I was born in the thirties and educated in Germany in the late 1930s and early 1940s which was an education to say the least). I will tell you no more at this time due to the nature of cancel culture for I do not wish to be targeted.

My book sales might slump. Just by masturbating on my typewriter I get paid one hundred and fifty million dollars a year by Random House. If you aren't making anything close to that right now, quit writing. You are in the junior leagues compared to me because of your obvious abject stupidity and your ugly face.

At one time, I was the staff writer for a gentlemen's club called Stretched Out Willie's and in my capacity as staff writer there I wrote MANY award winning scripts for the dancers and made serious coin in doing so. That was back in the 1970s. If you are looking to break into the writing trade, you might try applying at strip clubs as a staff writer. Insist on seeing a manager. They like it when you are forward. It proves you have "earned your chops" as a writer with potential to become a strip club staff writer.

I have also received countless awards as a businessman, and in the only worthwhile field of endeavor in the world, winning those awards was trustworthy indeed. A lot of trust was earned through those alarms and their protoplasm.

So, in conclusion, when you go up to accept an award on stage be nice. Keep your speech short. Look like you have it together. Don't be emotional, but smile a bit. And then go off the stage without making a ruckus. And obey your masters. There is no other way. Resisting in not sustainable. You will lose. Accepting it now is easier than giving up later. Trust me. I care about you.

There is still so much to be said.

I don't want you to feel too bad about the disparity in the number of awards we've each won or in the women we've cornered in alleys. My daddy informed me when I was very young that I was part of the master race, something I honor symbolically by reading magazines in the Walmart bathrooms with alarming frequency. My proclivities emerge. I am homo superior, lord of the plains, a Mr. Roarke type character (like in ABC hit 1970s series Fantasy Island), With this I know my responsibility is to corral and yoke the rest of humanity. People have seen this in tea leaves.

I have seen the lesser humans below me when I step on yet another stage to win yet another well earned award for writing or doing businessman activities. At times I have spit on them, as is my right under the First Amendment, and at other times I have gone to their houses later and murdered their families, as is my right under the Second Amendment, and I have founded theme parks just to ridicule them as is my right under the other amendments. At other times I have shown them dignity.

It all depends on your mood and what you think of these lesser people. I say we corral and yoke them. This will make a brighter future.

God bless.

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