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I have seen several interesting and isolated events in the past week or so to account for a rather unusual state of mind. Here is a convenient list for your perusal:

  1. I see a man walking down the street with incredible dreadlocks easily reaching down to the backs of his knees. I see him a few hours later giving a speech on the Diag at the University of Michigan in front of a group of several hundred college students.

  2. Driving home from class behind a rusted pickup truck full of high school boys. One leans out of the passenger-side window up to his waist and tries to look under the truck. His ratty, faded, buckis baseball hat flies off and hits my windshield.

  3. Two people I have never met before in my life asked if I wanted to go to seven eleven to get slurpees. For some reason I agree. Twenty minutes later I am drinking frozen mush and listening to techno in a strange car full of German-speaking teenagers.

  4. A girl I’ve seen around a few times asked me to go shopping for prom dresses. I agree, and us two go to the mall for three hours and end up eating huge cinnamon rolls in the poor excuse of a food court while talking about laminated pillow cases.

  5. My A.P. Psychology teacher told us to bring pillows and blankets to class so we could take a group nap. It was fun. I brought my childhood blanket, known to a privileged few as Key-Key.

  6. My dad found a QP of some illegal stuff in my brother’s closet, took it out to a deserted area, buried it, and then drew a map so my brother could find it again.

  7. My friends and I went to Walgreens for lunch, looked at toothbrushes for 45 minutes, but forgot to eat.

  8. . . . .

Nothing can shock me ever again. Random events have been occurring at almost regular intervals. I am beginning to expect the unexpected, which usually leads to disappointment and/or complete weirdness.

Hello ladies and gentlemen of E2. Once again, I am here, in the dark, with my close friends, depression and dementia sitting on either side of me. Today, slowly, as the day progressed, the day just either seemed longer or more tortuous. It feels like I've lost my way, like I've lost my innocence all those years past.

Ring. The phone rings. This time, it rings while I'm outside, on the balcony. The full moon is no longer present in the sky, or at least I'm too blind to see it. I don't say much, but at least I tried to listen. We talk for a while, though I wasn't really much of a talking mood yesterday. I missed my UBC final because I knew that I was going to fail anyways. Tomorrow, I'll have another one, and knowing that I'm going to fail it anyways, I decide not to go. It may be a waste of money, but at least I know what I don't want to do in school. I wish that it didn't take me two years to find out but its better late than never I suppose.

I still sat out there, in the balcony, looking at the parked cars outside. BMWs. Acura Integras. It infuriates me how certain people in the world don't have to work for anything yet they still achieve such things. I realize that they are simply items to make life easier, but I don't have it. I guess I'm just being greedy. I guess the simplest way to explain is that people crave what they do not have. All this time, I'm still on the phone, listening intently on one hand, while drifting off on another. I try speaking softly, trying to make sure that I can do both at the same time, but they cannot hear me. I guess my attention span is degraded as well as my mental stability.

Click. I press the end button. The call ends. Again, I'm left here in the dark, left in the cold to fend for myself. I'm tempted to watch some TV but I rather not. Gives me more reason not to sleep. Buzz. The phone vibrates on the desk. I answer lightly, almost like a whispering tone, to hear a voice gentle yet sharper than knives. Intently, every word recorded, embedded actually, in my mind. After an hour or so of innate conversation, I'm left again to contemplate events of the past. Even at my age, I still don't know how to not live in glory days, not to live in the past. Maybe one day I'll understand, but for now, its too fragile to be tampered with in such a direct manner. No longer is it a delicate flower, but more of a bowl, balanced on a stick.

After a while of this insighting time, I try to sleep. As usual, insomnia gripped me, but this time, I didn't mind. I had a lot on my mind. I close my eyes, and like a movie theatre, I recall days of greater happiness, and days of great importance that helped form who I am. I recalled days of great joy, days of great betrayal, caused by me and dealt to me. Why I torture myself, I don't know, nor do I know how to stop it. I worry too much about other people, and when its time for me to deal with my own problems I don't know how. I'm too tired for it all.

I close my eyes, I pretend not to feel anything, and I sleep...

I wake up, after having a nightmare. I shrug, then I sleep....

I wake up, after another nightmare. I gasp, then I sleep....

I wake up, after another terrifying nightmare. I grab my ribs. See Dream Log: April 12, 2001 for details. I go run errands and eat lunch. The night seems young yet, and mine for the taking. I decided to do some physical activity. I go to the gym, earlier than MrFurious this time. I needed some time alone, alone to figure things out with a medium to focus my excess frustration and energy. I get there, only to see some lady friends of mine. While I was thrilled to see two beautiful young women pleased to speak to me, it wasn't a good time. Slowly, I go on the exercise bike and once again contemplate. For 20 minutes, my mind focused through the happiness of the past, the problems of today, and the promise of the future. After 7 miles, I stop and get back to weight training. About an hour later, MrFurious gets there. Manly bonding. Lovely. We work out, check out a cute filipina lady there, then off to the arcade. After DDR and a game of Cannon Spike, to 7-11 for a slurpee and Save-On Foods for some dried apricots. Then home I go.

I come home, and eat dinner. As each spoonful came into my mouth, I found it hard to swallow what is happening to me. I don't want to eat this food, but I don't refuse it. I don't want to eat anymore, but I have to spare my mother's feelings. All in a good day's work for a momma's boy I guess. The thought of it all made me cringe and warm inside all at the same time.

Now I am here, noding once again about my futile little existence. I don't say much in person anymore, simply because it hurts to think about it. But once, every night, I let my mind wander, into the darkness, and let it have its say in the matter. I recede all consciousness and let my fingers do the talking. Like the Yellow Pages I suppose. Now if I can only find the number of a good psychiatrist.

Let the darkness embrace you, as it holds the promise of eternal vigilance against the light. With its icy grip, it will preserve your soul in its precious, pristine condition. Hold its hand tight, as it will not hold your hand back, like a loving parent does. It will not stop you from going into the warm light. No longer will you be alone for it is forever, everywhere and inevitable.

Try not to find my body here anymore. It's simply a shell to hide millions of false identities. To find me, simply close your eyes and think of me. Then you'll see, what you want to see, and what I am not. You cannot find me. Hold your hand out. I will seek you. Do not wait for me. I will come when you least expect it.

Last night, after watching a show in a cabaret/gay bar in Chicago, I have found an ad for Ute Lemper doing a show in a theatre in the Downtown area.

She's going to do a show next month, in May 5, 2001.

Yup, I am crazy enough to spend around $300 for a whole weekend to see Ute Lemper.

I called my sister and told her that It's a crazy idea, but it's worth it. Besides, I'm going to see Ute in the Fall of this year anyways.

Correction: I've found out the meaning of death and bankruptcy after finding out that a ticket for the show costs.... $350.

@cannot
can't rest
can't write
can't agree
can't limit myself to what's right or wrong
can't grow up
can't force myself to smile at all of you
can't imagine being any different
can't learn anything new
can't run very fast
can't decide what it is I've always wanted
can't remember much
can't forget the rest
can't stand all the dirt
can't appreciate morning beauty
can't get rid of the awful feeling that something has just been lost forever

my world is sometimes ugly, and in some sense, I am becoming.

2353/jrp (U) - CNN reports that the crew of the American EP-3 have returned from Hainan Province, PRC, to American soil at Andersen AFB, Guam. Plans include warm showers, phone calls home, and a debriefing.



from my Officer of the Watch log at the National Air Intelligence Center

I'm starting to get paranoid. (Cue Black Sabbath) Someone is systematically downvoting everything I write. I don't know why--did I somehow offend them? (yes) How? (I don't know) Is there anything I can do about it? (no) Is this anoying the hell out of you readers, listening to me whine about losing XP? (abso-fuckin-lutely) Will the person who is doing this please /msg me and tell me what I did to incur their wrath? Do I hope it's not a god?

YES!

Now that that's over with...

Found out yesterday that I've been accepted to grad school, which is always a nice surprise. Now I just have to figure out how to pay for it. (Please, oh Divine Forces that I'm not sure I believe in, please make me a graduate assistant!) I found out I'm graduating summa cum laude, which shocked the hell out of me--I'm just happy I'm graduating!

Found out last week that I really did get a part in a play, and I'm not such a terrible actress, like I believe myself to be. Nice little ego boost.

Found out the college won't let me do an all-night broadcast during finals week. Very disappointing.

Generally things are good. Really. Aside from the rant above.

Well I wish it would really stop, I can't handle the suspense of seeing the epicenter nodelet saying You have 149 Experience to go till level 3, then when I refesh it says, You have 1 experience left till Level 2. AHH I cant take it. Anyways, I have 2 days left to do my senior project, and guess what, I've got about 3 notecards done out of the 30 I need to satisfy the teacher. So, if I fail my English... it's because I sat here and noded all my Spring Break away. Thanks E2!

P.S. Just kidding ya'll, I love E2, even if it is as addicting as Everquest

I awoke to a beautiful morning, warm, the wind was whipping by from the southwest. Bright and sunny, but I won't dock points for that today. One of those rare Indiana days that, for once, the weather is perfect.

I drove to work with the windows down and one of my favorite mix CD's blasting. (Some Bijork, A Perfect Circle, Face to Face, and many others) It was a great drive, no idiots on the road for once.

Now I am at work, trying not to fret about finances. Note to incoming college students:Avoid student loans. Plainly put, they suck. If you must have them, work during school to start paying them off early. Trust me you'll thank yourself later.

Well my employers are looking to put me on a track for MCSE certification, followed up by a Compaq ASE cert. They also want me to do a document imaging certification. This is on top of the Cisco stuff I want to do as well. Man I thought I already graduated. hehe

Tomorrow I get to see my girlfriend. I can't wait. She is an amazing woman and very talanted. I consider myself so very lucky to be chosen by her.

This is a short one - busy at work today. But I want to stay away from those giant chocolate chip cookies that are seriously calling my name; "Oh food addict! Oh food addict! Come here! Eat me!"

Anyway, I had decided to go to a lesbian bar this weekend and hang out and try and meet a girl. But I looked at their website and now I am totally and completely intimidated. I am sure that everyone there is gorgeous, beautiful, and 21 (and I'm sure not) and I would not fit in. And I was thinking more like a happy hour anyway, not a big intense meat market. I don't think I feel comfortable doing something like this at all. It isn't something I'd do to meet a man, so why do I think it would be okay to meet a woman like this?

I just want to meet some women and talk to them and maybe meet some that want to be very very friendly. And I want to now!!! .

I've started to watch people.
I usually do this when I'm driving, just to take my mind off of driving (not the safest thing in the world, but I need something to distract me so I don't bitch and moan about every red light). I've also been riding my bike alot so I see alot of people that waySo I watch people on the streets, in their cars behind me, at other stop lights, doing whatever.
Interesting things I've seen while people watching:
I think I'll put a little extra something into today's log:

Day-Dream Log: April 12, 2001



I saw a guy that I knew from high school who would "tease" me (he didn't tease me as much as he was just an asshole to me and all my friends), so I started thinking about how much I'd like to rip him to shreds, and before I knew it I was dreaming up all sorts of ways to kick his ass. My last murderous fantasy included us engaging in a fist fight in which I grabbed him by the throat, threw him to the ground, and kicked him repeatedly in the abdomen, then turned him onto his back and spit in both his eyes.
I'm not a violent person, though!
As I "woke up" I realized that my body was rigid, with muscles tensed.

I think this dreaming of fights is alot like my attraction to one of my friends, it's seasonal, it comes with the new growth of spring.
I don't fight people, I didn't even kill the person who pissed in my back seat (read my daylogs for April 1, and April 2 for that story). I'm not violent, and I don't get crushes (espeically not on close friends).
All these strange emotions must be the fault of the changing seasons.
Ok, this is probably more like a week log, but here goes:

First of all, I am a semi-geek. I play football and quake, so I guess it evens out. Whatever. Anyways, last Friday I decide, out of the blue, to run for Student Council. Well, two friends of mine tried to nominate me that Friday during the nomination conventions. Let me back-up a second and set the scene: all boy, generally conservative, 400 students, Christian Principles, mainly W.A.S.P. school. Well, no luck with the nomination. However, all students have the option to run if they get 1/3 of the electorate to sign a petition. Undaunted, I begin this task at 1 oclock Friday and collect about 120. However, I'm not the only "white ticket" candidate running. Another guy is out trying to snag signatures too. However, I'm doing ok. And it looks like i've got a good chance of not only beating the other white ticket guy in the election, but winnning overall. Cool. (running for secretary/treasurer btw.)

So I Monday i get all the signatures I need and find out, too my suprise, that a much more formidable opponent decided to run for secretary treasurer. Anyays, I go on through with a terrible speach: I won't reprint it here, on second thought. Anyways, to cut a long story short, I don't win but I suppose i got something out of the experience. yippe kay yeah

A lot of things have changed.

I really have moved on. I don't need to tell people things. I am content in my personal secret life. Things are going the way I want, for the most part. I don't need love. It's pointless to look or want it right now. Soon I will be going to college, and I will have a new life. I got into UC Berkeley, although it was not an option to not be accepted. I've been planning and hoping to go there for years, it's the beginning of my new, better future. If I didn't have hope for something better, then there would be nothing.

I got my new car, and I'm so happy about that. It's a beauty, and it drives ridiculously fast. A '94 Mitsubishi Eclipse. It's just nice to be able to drive myself around again, although I hate paying for gas.

I'm on Spring Break, and it's been fun. I went camping over the weekend. The wilderness and I do not really get along, it was so cold! I had to wear four layers just to stay warm. Considering I live in So Cal, this is odd. I wanted to go to the beach, but it's been so cold and rainy. It was cool because I went with my friends, and I love my friends. Although after spending three days with them they can get on my nerves a little.

it's been one of those up and down days.

Up: the company won two computers in an auction. New toys for me; i get to wipe them and turn them into servers.
Down: we won the computers yesterday. somewhere between yesterday and today, someone opened up one of the computers and jacked the RAM chip. It was one of those super-easy-open types; the thief could have even done it while the auctioneer's back was turned.

Up: We also won a bunch of lamps that the boss gave us as presents, and a few UPS power strips that the servers will appreciate.
Down: Trying to schlep a heavy UPS and a unwieldy (and heavy) lamp on a standing room only rush hour train is not on the top ten things to do for fun in the subway list.

Up: I have tomorrow off; the band might get together.
Down: While moving, i nearly sliced the top off of one of my fingers; i can probably play bass or maybe a little guitar, but drums and leads are out of the question.

Up: i finally achieved Level 2 today.
Down: since my last couple of nodes were lyrics, someone out there will probably think i was Noding for Numbers and downvote me into next Tuesday. I also don't get votes until the server resets.

Well, some nodes got downvoted, and others got chung. i guess this ends the day on an up. Thank you!

I've felt sick all day. I felt this way all week actually. I know it's not a physical illness though.

The only uneasynewss I feel is in my stomach and my bones. I think it's my nerves. What happned to me on sunday was a life-changing event. It has opened my eyes, and now that I have been completely through a series of emotions I've never felt before I think I can handle a lot more out of life.

I feel so many things at once right now. It's like the rational and logical side of me says that everything's great and I am free and ready to take on anything. Meanwhile, my fuzzy and emotional side is still not over her. It still craves the feeling of being high on love. It will take a while, but I'm sure these feelings will go away soon enough. I've never felt so polarized in both directions at the same time before. One half of me is happy and free, the other is sad and attached. I'll get over it.

I had another long talk with Ann today. She hinted that Sara was a little upset about the letter I sent. I feel bad about it, but I know that rationally I had to tell her what I did to make sure she doesn't hurt anyone else like she did me.

Getting sleepy, and it's only 8pm.... I've got no work tomorrow and nothing planned for this weekend.

It's going to be a long weekend.

Tomorrow's Friday. I'm so glad... I'm sitting here listening to music and avoiding my programming project. I learned something today - start programming projects early!

I found out yesterday that my roommate has strep. My boyfriend is coming to see me tomorrow and I don't want to get him sick, so I went to the health clinic and got a throat culture. Unfortunately, I won't get the results until tomorrow. I hope I'm not sick...I can't afford to be sick right now. There are too many tests, too many projects, too much homework...

My roommate's going home for Easter, so I have the room all to myself for the whole weekend...must study lots! We re-arranged the room this evening so that she can take her loft home with her tomorrow. Her boyfriend came over, and I find myself a little jealous of her because I would like very much for my boyfriend to be here right now. Of course she'll be jealous of me this summer when she lives 5 hours from her boyfriend and I only live 15 minutes from mine (and hers, too).

It feels kind of strange to have the room back the way it was at the beginning of the school year. It's hard to believe that I am only three weeks away from the end of my freshman year. It's almost over...

It'll all be over soon...

The day I thought I discovered something

I'm a little boy who'll one day grow up to be a wise yet not benevolent man. To make a head start, I've been trying to figure out the simple yet hard conjectures, such as Goldbach's Conjecture or Sierpinski's Conjecture. They're both to do with primes; I don't know why, I'm not especially attracted to number theory. In fact, I don't even understand why number theor is such a fuss; what's so cool about integers? But so it is.

So, today (well, yesterday) I was again pondering on that damned problem. I realized that a highschooler like me is very unlikely to solve anything, but hey, you can always try, and it's certainly more interesting than studying swedish. In fact, I thought I had actually made progress, although it turned out to be nothing special after all. For those who don't want to click the link on goldbach's conjecture, I'll say that it simple states that for every even integer x, there are two primes p and q so that p+q=x. Anyways, I picked one integer, S=26, and drew a map of modulos to this with every integer smaller than S, so that on the line 2 of chart I have cross at columns zero, two, four, ... since mod(26,2)=0, at line 3 the cross is at two, five, eight, ... and so on.

Now, I had already figured, if map for S is like this, what does S-T look like? Simple, just move all the crosses t steps left. And so it was. Then I looked at it and knew that those lines that have cross in column zero are the factors of S. From this I knew that if I find a column T with one cross, then S-T must have only one cross in column 0, that cross being S-T's only factor - a prime! Now I knew that if there's only one cross in a column, then S-T must be a prime, and also, the line on which this cross was must be a prime too. I was quite excited about this; it meant that if I could prove that map for every S contained at least one prime column with only one cross, then this conjecture would be proven.

Today (yesterday), I was even more excited when the seemingly random image of crosses suddenly gained form. I realized that it could be drawn geometrically, by drawing lines from the coordinates (s,0) to lower left with angle ratios 1/i, where i is every natural number larger than zero. I contemplated on this, and realized... that I had gone back to starting location. It meant that columns with only one cross were the columns whose distance from the right border is a prime. So, I had to find column T where T is a prime, and distance from right border (S-T) is a prime... umm... back to the starting location, I suppose. Unhappy.


But wait, there more; I didn't give up, although I had succeeded at nothing. I took my TI-89 from the bag, wrote a script to find the primes P,Q for any S. I knew that it had been experimentally proven that there are such primes for any S up to [damn large number here]. But how many such pairs there were? So, I wrote the script to count the solutions and draw a graph. It was kind of slow, but I had a whole day, so I let it do its job and studied modernism in literature while the calculator cranked up numbers and plotted them into a graph. The graph turned out to be quite a mess, a cloud of seemingly random dots, but there was shape. And sure enough, when I drew a 10-number moving average, it was apparent that there was shape! This was even more exciting than the previous one; you see, the shape looked very familiar. I remembered once hearing that there are about x/log x primes smaller than x. So, I tried if there would be by average x/log x P,Q-pairs for number x. No, there wasn't, but x/(log x)^2 was indeed very close!

As the rest of the schoolday was over, I went to batmud and asked a friend studying mathematics at university of helsinki. Once I managed to explain it understandably, he agreed that it was interesting. On the bus trip home, I verified that this estimation holds decently for mighty 2*10^3 (2000, but it looks larger that way ;) ) that my TI-89 could check. Exciting! If for some even number x there are about 1/log x primes smaller than x and (1/log x)^2 prime-pairs that sum up to x, then the ratio of the number of these pairs to primes is the same as ratio of primes to integers.

Of course, I was then all the more disappointed when I went looking for optimized prime finder program and instead discovered that someone had figured this, and much more, out a long time ago.

Well, it was fun while it lasted... back to playing StarCraft I guess. Otherwise, today (yesterday) was rather typical day. I liked my horoscope in ilta-sanomat that day, but since I don't believe in horoscopes it won't work. Sad, I really would have wanted it to work.

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