With my headphones attached to my ears, I once again find myself here, by the screen, letting my mind wander and have its say. As the days end, I find myself getting weaker, so much that I can't hide it anymore. Melancholy
could be a good way to describe myself, but denial
states that I bring my best foot forward
to the world. Weakness, dependency, and animalistic rage has defined the day for today. Disappointed, I cannot change much, and hope that the happy music that I listen to will allow my moods to change with the rotation of the planet.
The dawn of the last night was beautiful, full of the smells of the spring breeze, combined with the clarity of the dawning sky. I step out onto the balcony
, and experienced nature at its best. I hear voices in the distance, but too weak to understand. I look around to see who is speaking but then no one is there. Maybe I'm hearing voices
in my head. I hold my arms out and stretch. Take a deep breath and speak a simple prayer. Reach for the door, feeling the cold plastic handle on my skin. I walk back into the darkness and feel a cold chill run down my spine.
I talk on the phone for a while. The conversation being typical but again, I listened intently. I listen quite a bit better than I speak. After a few hours, I release the hold that my cell phone
has placed on me. I reach for my pillow, to reach the gentle land of slumber but again, my phone vibrates
. I speak a little longer, before my Ativan
takes control with the Mike's Hard Lemonade
. I say my good night
s and my sweet dream
s and off I go.
The day started, with another phone call. But not a pleasant one. I don't speak much, just listen but what I do say, mean a lot. Initial salutations, a quick explanation and a goodbye. I head back to sleep. I wake up again, after noon. I was awaken this time by a phone call
but this one was a definitely a more pleasant one. After a few hours of being with a sweet, sweet lady, I stay home. After a nice dinner bought from Yaohan
, I start playing Brood War
. My sister asks me to go to grocery shopping but she couldn't get herself off the couch. I didn't like that very much so I left on my own.
After a while, MrFurious
and I play a game of DDR
and a few games of Strikers
. Shortly after, we head over to Chapters
and grab a slurpee
at a nearby 7-11
. Home I go.
After a quick game of Brood War
, I'm left alone. No phone call tonight. No distractions. Just me, myself and Korean music. Damn things. Cute singers, good melodies on their ballads, and mostly cute singers. Now I'm here, noding
. I haven't said a word in about 4 hours, but thats okay. Now I am left to wonder how much of my self-control and self-esteem is left. I still can't tell my mother that I am going to Langara
instead of UBC
. I realize that its my fault but still doesn't change the fact that I still don't want to tell her. But thats okay. I'll enjoy the next two weeks I have for they may be the calm before the storm.
I started realizing why I listen to Asian Pop
. Its music that I can remember without knowing the words. Its the melody that is important not the words anymore. I let my body swing to the melody now. No words are needed. They don't lose their meaning. Slowly, I take two Ativan
and try to log out. I can't so I sit here. I think therefore I am. Whisper lightly, say a prayer. Let the light guide you to me. The dark needs no guide. It is everywhere.
Your sweetness dominates your existence. It seeps through every pore and every cell. When you touch me, I'm energized by these particles and become illated. Slowly, I am drawn into you, becoming part of you. But I can't, simply because I cannot be in your world. Its not that you won't let me, its simply because I don't want to hurt you. Come to me. Let temptation be your guide. Feel yourself flow into myself, and feel the cold embrace of the dark.