Today was a day for contemplation and a day for regret. Simplification of what has happened, or what might happen cycle through my head. It never silenced itself, never giving a chance for my mind to gain its sanity. It started in the wee hours of dawn
, and still follows me now, like a lost stray looking for a home. With the pouring rain, I stare up in the sky, only to get hit in the eye with the cold rain. I shiver slightly, only to shrug it off and slowly enter.
Again, like a bad habit, I step outside into the cold. The rain drizzles from the west, with the wind chimes tinkling in the night. I hold the rail tightly, and feel the coldness in my palm. I grasp a little tighter, and just a little tighter, until I feel my knuckles flexing. The skin starts feeling tighter, and a little slippery, as it is coated with the cold rain. My glasses become covered in rain, and slowly, I wipe it off with my shirt, only to smudge the dirt already on the lenses. I look out blurrily, without my glasses, and see the magnificence of the evening, combining the lights of the sky with the lights of the city. Numbness starts gripping my feet, and I decide better by going inside. Gingerly, I place my hand on the handle, and close the window. I look closely at the view outside, and notice the handprint I have left the days before. Nostalgia grips my heart, and again, I realize, nothing is forever
. The cell phone turns off. I leave it off, no charging, no anything. The conversation was short but sweet. Sweet voices in my head, recurring backwards through time. I think back, to how I lost myself to S, V and A. Their beautiful voices echoing in my mind like it was a cave. How I felt so much love for them, and give myself to them, only to never regain that part back. I look back and think of today. I've been baptized with fire, and I'm trying to climb my way back into the world.
The morning starts mildly early. I sit here, writing, thinking, moping and exercising. I check E2
for a moment, then go back. Then I call my lady friend to see if she wants to hang out but to no avail. So for the next few hours, I sit here, thinking back.
I remember one day back on top of a hill at a nearby elementary school. We sat there together, in the afternoon. It was a great afternoon. It was our first date. We were young, we were brash, and finally, we were low on cash. Sort of funny at the time, so we didn't mind spending some time just to get to know each other more. Time passed like a river, quickly and powerfully. I remembered when she placed her head on my shoulder. I froze as I felt her ear on my shoulder. Slowly, and hesitatingly, I place my arm around her. I could smell her perfume in the air, and her shampoo in her hair. I wanted to lean over and tell her how much I like her but I couldn't. Then, before I knew it, it was nighttime. We wound up holding hands, just talking for hours. Then I leaned over and moved my lips towards hers. Before I kissed her, I asked her whether I could. She replied back by moving closer to me and holding my other hand. We had moments like that for years but then my mistakes have cost me my happiness.
The afternoon came, and with the transit strike
in full effect, I either had to walk to Ikea
or take a cab. Since I was lazy, I took a cab. It was late, therefore I was late. I thought that work would be busy today but it wasn't but again, it dragged. I guess that's the disadvantage to retail. Its repetitive, boring and never changing. But at least I know my place and I know my role. It was the debut of my red hair and contacts look so I got a few smirks and giggles. Screw the critics. They just mad because they can't spike their hair like me. On the other hand, I felt like a chigger
. I wanted to kick my own butt at one point but a pretty lady took notice of my hair and complimented it so it made my day.
came and picked me up. It was raining again, only lighter. After a game of DDR
, I head home. I immediately come to the computer, turn on my Korean Music
and listen quietly. Brood War
was quick, and decisive. Dawadeving
is such a better player than I but I got more points because I used Carriers
. Now, after watching the last episode of Star Trek Deep Space Nine
, I am here again alone.
No phone call yet but the night is young. I step outside. It is a beautiful night, with few clouds and great moonlight. I step out, with my socks on and my long basketball shorts. As the first step is taken, my sock is soaked thoroughly as the fake astroturf
on my balcony
is slick with water. I look out over the railing, only to see the yellow incandecent
light from the city streets. I spend about half an hour meditating on a plastic blanket. Feel no pain, feel as if you are not there. I lose myself in my mind, to let it wander and fight with warriors in the past. I step back inside, and change out of my wet clothes.
I am here again, with the cold embrace of the darkness. Silently, I listen intently to the Korean
melodies playing on my Winamp
. I remember them, and their voices but not the words. Tomorrow, I will probably hum them to myself when no one is around. I do that. I'm not sure if people sing to themselves when they are alone and everything is quiet but thats okay. I never was one to be called normal. I sure as hell don't have a normal life.
Place your head on my shoulder. Let the wind carry the scent of your essence into my nose and into my brain. Place your hand on mine while I place my arm around you to hold you against me. Look at me with your beautiful eyes and smile gently. Make me feel like the world outside us two does not exist. Place your head on my chest to hear my hear beating. Tell me that you want to know how much I love you. I lean over, and kiss you gently on the forehead. How much I love you is not the point. How much time I have to show you is different. While it seems like forever while I'm with you, I don't have forever. I open my eyes and you're gone. I've woken up from my fantasy. Let be back to sleep. Let be back to days gone by. I miss you...