And on and on and on.
I found an apartment; I move in on the 21st of May. I haven't told my husband this yet. Am I deluding myself to think that this will be easy? How does one cleanly extract themselves from almost 30 years of friendship? It's not so much that I mourn us, I mourn what we used to be, back before the kids and the politics. Back when he always made me laugh, not just sometimes. Back when I felt safe with him and he was gentle. Back when I didn't cry in secret. I don't need his validation; I am my own person and I honor myself. It's just, god, it's nice to feel wanted, you know? And it's hard to reckon with yourself that you haven't been for a long time.
The heart keeps beating. Friends help. Distractions help. Friends that are distractions help, even if I'm not sure what I am to them. Funny that we've been
spinning around each other for the same 20 years, even if we didn't know it, even if it's only just clicked. Funny that it's like looking at one's reflection in a ripple of water. I will step into the current and let myself go, see where it takes me.