I'm always thinking
of stuff and then, before I can put anything into action (as if I would), someone else comes out with my idea. For example, all these shows on TV where people stick a camera in someones face and ask them stupid questions
: I was doing that back in the early 90s before anyone else even thought of it. Trouble is, I didn't see the money-making potential of the idea and therefore never cashed in.
So from now on I'm going to write my ideas down. And I'll be putting a date on them. Then, if someone else comes out with something similar, I have evidence
that I thought of it first. I don't know what purpose that will serve, but I'm going to do it anyway.
So here's my first idea: It's a reality TV show
. They're hot right now, in case you hadn't noticed. It's called "People vs Freaked Out Wild Animals
". Here's how it works:
Each week we capture a wild animal
. A deer
, a raccoon
, a rabbit
, a goose
, etc. The first 10 minutes of the show is us catching the animal. Wacky stuff will happen; there's a bit of a chase, maybe someone falls down and gets hurt or the animal bites them and we cut to a 30 second shot
of that person getting a series of rabies shots
in a hospital
, wincing in pain. That's funny stuff.
Once the show takes off we'll go on location
in foreign countries and catch some of the local fauna
, to keep things diverse and interesting. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
After we catch the animal we tie something annoying to some part of its body
. Again, lots of potentially amusing stuff can happen here. Ever tried to tie a cowbell
to a raccoon
? I bet it gets really pissed off
and tries to bite you. That's good TV right there.
So we strap something annoying to the animal. Maybe a cow bell, maybe one of those baby toys that keeps making noise. Or maybe we even tie one animal to another
. The point is that we want a pissed off animal
for the show.
At the same time that one crew is prepping the animal, another is setting up the hidden camera
s. We'll hide cameras at a shopping mall, in a church
or a restaurant
or someplace like that. Some place indoors, where you don't usually see wild animals.
Then we take our pissed off animal and we let it loose in the target location. All cameras are rolling! Here's what I see will happen:
First reaction, people freak out and take off. We get a few shots of scared
faces, mothers picking up their babies and making a run for it, little kids screaming. Maybe we get lucky and some 250lb muscle-bound football player
type guy squeals like a girl and jump on a chair. That'd be awesome.
Next comes the animal lover. Someone in the crowd is going to feel sorry for our raccoon with the cow bell or our deer with a squirrel tied to its back. And this dork
is going to try to approach the animal and help it. That's when the fun starts.
Take one pissed off, wild and untamed animal and then add an approaching human. Things are going to get nasty. I foresee scratches
. Everybody loves to see a do-gooder animal lover
get bloodied by the very animal they're trying to save. That's good for at least a million viewers.
The final hidden camera scene will be the animal control people coming to capture the animal. It's a short segment. They'll walk in, trap the animal in a box or catch it with a giant net or even shoot it dead
Then we walk up to the animal control
people, cameras in hand, and we pretend to be a local news team
, broadcasting live
. We ask animal control "What's going on here?" and they'll talk about how a live mongoose with a stapler tied to its leg (or whatever the case may be) managed to get into the Wal-Mart
. The viewers will laugh because they'll all know it was really us and the animal control guy doesn't suspect a thing! What a maroon
We'll wrap the show with the credits rolling up and some outtakes
playing behind it. Sometimes it'll be bloopers, like when the camera man gets bit by a snake
or something we really weren't expecting. Or if we get caught we'll show the cops arresting us and we'll all be yelling "PETA
! Free the animals!" or some such nonsense about an animal charity that's totally unrelated to the show but who's lawyers will bud in and get involved, thus confusing the issue and pissing off the judge and he'll throw the whole thing out of court
and we'll avoid jail
I'm thinking it'll be a half-hour show, once a week. After the second season maybe we'll do a movie
version where we release really big wild animals, like lion
s or ostrich
es, in public places in third-world countries. That way we can get away with it if they accidentally kill someone
This show is going to kick so much ass.