These questions aren't just for citizens of the U.S.A. - foreigners should feel free to participate as well! Simply answer the following questions "Yes" or "No" and then refer to the handy guide below to determine your status.
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Do you believe that those who hate your nation and wish to see it destroyed feel that way because of their blind, unwavering hatred for freedom and liberty?
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Do you believe that questioning the motives of your leaders or criticizing their actions is actually just about the next best thing to treason at a time like this?
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Do you believe that the First Amendment goes too far in hampering those who are trying to protect you from very real threats to your freedom and democracy?
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Are you thoroughly convinced that God is on your side, and will ensure the success of whatever your nation has to do to defend its existence and way of life?
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Are you comfortably on the side of good? Do you believe that anything that happens to the evil is justified, since they had it coming?
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Are you happy to let others define those terms for you?
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Do you believe that the only viable guarantee of peace is the threat of destruction?
Scoring:
Citizens of the U.S.A.: if you answered "Yes" to all of the questions above, then congratulations! You are a Real American! If you answered "No" to any of these questions, though, you are not a real American. You are a disgrace, and quite possibly evil. Officials from the Ministry of Love are on their way to your place of residence now to discuss your re-education options.
Citizens of other countries: if you answered "Yes" to all of the questions above, then you are a fanatic. The bombers are already on their way. Prepare to die.
The answer to the question and the point of this whole thing is that of course you are a "real" American (if you're an American at all, that is) whether or not you buy into the beliefs below. That's one of the very best things about this country (yes, I'm a U.S. citizen) or, at least, it's supposed to be. Instead, it seems to me that we're progressing towards something ugly, blind, and intolerant. I'm mocking that here because I think it's frightening. We've been down that road before, and lived to regret it; maybe if we look ahead this time and see how ridiculous it is beforehand, we can save everybody some pain. And if I'm overreacting or just plain wrong - it's supposed to be funny, if nothing else.