dear moJoe. I am writing to inform you that you are sick and you should have yourself checked. I cannot specify the nature of your sickness for the damage would be irrevocable. needless to say it pains me deeply to see you in this most terrible of conditions. I may be forced to seek counseling. this is all I can say. please get help before it's too late. if not for me, do it for Sapster. yes, he's brain dead and all but he still cares. he really does. he's forgiven you for the chainsaw bit. I never believed it was really you, you know. it was them cursed potato hippies, I just know it.
well, have to go now, I hope to see you soon...
yakks the plumer
care of potts the white suit doctor man
p.s. prego got run over by a cow, thought you might want to know
Dear Yakks the Plumer[sic],
I am writing this bit of flowery prose from the darkest jungles of mother Africa. Mr. ToasterLeavings, my cadre and I are of lofty spirits as we use naught but our cunning and primal instinct to survive as we track endangered big game animals. Through the dense flora and across the daunting savanna, under the watchful gaze of the blindingly caustic Phoebus, we silently stalk; a glowering harbinger of death.
I have never felt as alive as I have in these precious few days past. Though one of my faithful litter bearers was stricken with dysentery and regrettably, had to be left behind in the jungle, fear not for me dear reader; I still have six able footmen left to carry on with the precious cargo of my person. Mr. ToasterLeavings was not happy with his temporary demotion to tranter but was even less happy with the alternatives that I gave him. Such is life.
By now you may be asking yourself; what does all of this have to do with that pathetic, spasmodic collage of addle headed ramblings above? I shall tell you. I have stumbled upon a brilliant solution to the steadily compounding problem of what to do with the mentally ill such as Mr. Yakks here. Years ago, while pondering this same conundrum I produced, in my lightly cynical and infinitely practical nature, a distinguished and reputable research paper entitled:
Project outpatient: The practical and environmental benefits of using the mentally deranged as a natural, toxicity absorbent land-fill buffer
Needless to say it was a smashing success with the cloying, impressionable and somewhat dim witted colleagues within my field. Everyone likes a win/win situation which allows society to -- if you'll forgive the pun laden adage -- kill two birds with one stone.
In my dictum, I proposed the death as painless and swift, leaving no question of my humanitarian nature. While stalking like an ensanguined, adamantine panther through the cespitose underbrush of this living landscape I have realized the true nature of the vital man. Every patriotic American will concur with my plan, as I frame a proposition that would not only neutralize deadly toxins that seep into our precious topsoil (Liberal) and not only get rid of a bunch of mindless lunatics that leech money shamelessly from our pockets (Conservative) but also give our young men and women serving our country faithfully in the U.S. Marine Corps real live targets.
Riding on a psychoactive drug cocktail that would make Keith Richards envious, they won't feel a thing. People like Mr. Yakks here will get to help our nation in three different ways and then go on to meet the good LORD.
While there is no help for you Mr. Yakks, ask your doctor about signing up for my plan today and see about making this world a better place.
Back to "Ask moJoe : Advice for the Criminally Confused"