An
Asshole Race is a special case of
Spontaneous Moron Forces, wherein a number of
mindless assholes equal to the number of
lanes on the
highway form up in
line-abreast formation at 75 miles per hour and
drool merrily in their laps as they watch the gap in front of them grow larger . . . and larger . . . and larger.
They can be encouraged to stop drooling by
tailgating and the
flashing of headlights, but these methods are unreliable. The best method is to come up behind them at 100 mph, flash your lights, and brake at the last moment -- and *then* start
tailgating. This gets their attention.
Fortunately,
asshole races are composed of
mindless morons who have
congenitally short attention spans and sluggish minds (if any). Sooner or later, one of them will get confused and allow you an opening. Courtesy demands that you give them
the finger as you pass them: This reminds them that they have lost.
Another popular
Asshole Passtime here in
Massachusetts is the
Variable Speed Asshole, a.k.a. the
Solo Asshole Race. It is done in semi-dense traffic, such that passing on the right is often not possible. In the
Solo Asshole Race, a
mindless asshole shambles into in the left lane and decelerates to the
Canonical Asshole Speed of 75 mph. You're stuck behind him because the middle and right lanes are too crowded. The
asshole will not respond to polite requests couched in
tailgating,
headlight-flashing, and
small-arms fire. After an endless span of time, the
lesser assholes in the middle lane wander aimlessly off to die, so you change lanes rightward to try to pass the
greater asshole in front of you. This is his cue to accelerate to match your speed. He'll go as fast as you want, until another limping
lesser asshole drifts into view in front of you in the middle lane. At this point, if you can't get in the far right lane, you're screwed and the whole thing starts all over again. In this manner, the
Solo Asshole manages to duplicate the full
Asshole Race experience singlehandedly, with the accidental complicity of "
found assholes" who turn up along the way.