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I am in the dark here. A man possessed by a DARK SPIRIT of an unkind man (Friend Behr).

Hi, I'm Dr. Peter Swilling. I am tired. I am so tired.

Do you get tired? Do you want to sit down and talk about it? Maybe over coffee at a sliding scale. I can work with most insurance plans. Sit down. Have a cup of coffee. We'll rap. We can call it a "session." How about that?

I'd like to put you under the influence of some kind of drug that will make it impossible for you to do anything more than playfully slap at me when I start taking your clothes off. That is something to remark about, eh? Just all limp arms like spaghetti just slapping at me. I just smile. Call now for an appointment. Helplessly sit while I undo your blouse while you pay me on a sliding scale. I can make faces like you wouldn't believe. Upsetting faces.

I wouldn't do that, of course. I'm just being silly. Putting something forth. Forth. You must put things forth in order to facilitate an adequate discussion. Otherwise you are all over the place.

The Sylphs sure seem active tonight, eh? You betcha.

My chairs are comfortable, My coffee is hot. You will enjoy. Fine grind. You'll like it. Give me a call. Schedule an appointment to SIT DOWN AND RAP. Motherfucker.

I've been eating these Belgian wood cookies. Hard as wood. Made of wood. I keep them in a little bowl in my office. Come by. Call my secretary. I creep her out.

Are you a piss poor kisser? Is that why you are on Everything2 Cult Site? Is that why? I ponder your relevance. Your inadequacies define you. I would piss down your throat given half the chance.

Hopefully there will be a Nodermeet next year when the virus activity clears up. I would like to MEET some of you in the flesh. Really MEET you, if you know why I mean. Maybe I might take you out back and sucker punch you in the back of the head. Maybe I would do that. I wouldn't count on it. I go to Nodermeets to network with other working professionals. I don't go there for the bullshit. And I will FUCK PEOPLE UP. When is it?

I have appointments open in the mornings, afternoons, and some evenings depending on circumstances. You will COME in my office. You will COME many times. I will work you like a HORSE.

Really, though. Give me a call. Schedule an appointment. I can fucking help.

Did people at work tell you that you need to calm down? I can help you out WITH THAT. Sign up for my meditation group. I'll fucking goose the shit out of you when you have your eyes closed. I will VIOLATE YOUR TRUST IN ME THE VERY FIRST CHANCE I CAN. I cannot emphasize that enough. I work on a sliding scale. Call for appointment. I need to work. I was thrown out of the hospital. I was doing WRONG THINGS with the patients. I was RUN OUT OF THERE. But I am possessed by Friend Behr. HELP ME FUCKER VIOLATE VIOLATE VIOLATE.


Tutelage. I learn things in books. I learn from experience. You want to touch my scrotum? I hope to God you do not want to do that. Appalling. But I have had patients. They have told me things. Things about scrotums. You don't even want to know. Wrinkly bag. Fucking disgusting.

Hi, I'm Dr. Peter Swilling. I just sold my Danskins to a thrift store for fifteen bucks. I'm desperate. Book a fucking session you goddamned motherfucking asshole I NEED THE MONEY AND I CAN HELP YOU CALM DOWN NOW GET THE FUCK IN HERE AND PAY ME ASSHOLE.

I was on the staff of Modern Feelings magazine. I won an award while there for editorial excellence. I think you should consider this when reading my PROFESSIONALLY WRITTEN SUPPORT COLUMNS THAT HELP PEOPLE. I still have Friend Behr in a box in the other room. Rotting smell. Overwhelming at times. I like to make him sit like a grandmother.

When you play in the big leagues, you leave it ALL out on the field. Do you catch my drift? I see what you are doing. Wasting your life. Makes me wonder. Can I help you? I think that I can. We should rap, eh? Little rap session? Eighty bucks. Your pocket to mine. Think it over? Yes... think it over... think it over... 

Medically yours,

Dr. Peter Swilling

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