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I got arrested for the first time today yesterday.

No, I'm not typing this in a jail cell lit by a bare bulb in the basement of the Rockingham County Prison. Allow me to explain...

I moved to Albuquerque, New Mexico in March of 2001. While I was there, my North Carolina driver's license kind of fell apart. I didn't really pay it much mind, since I wasn't driving anyway, so I threw away the pieces of the broken license, waited until I needed identification, and got a state issued ID card in NM.

When I moved back to NC in June, I discovered that my license had been revoked. I found this mildly surprising, so I started making some phone calls and doing some research.

As it turns out, I had supposedly gotten pulled over in Guilford County on May 4th of 2001, and then again on September 16th of 2001 in Rockingham County. In both cases, the driver identified themselves as me, provided a social security number and correct birthdate, and gave the address of my dad's house as the place of residence. The first ticket was for speeding and failure to produce a license. The second ticket was for driving with a revoked license. The individual in question, of course, never showed up for court, and neither did I, since I was in Albuquerque at the time and had no clue what was happening. So I had two (maybe three) warrants out for my arrest.

I can only think of one person who would know me, my name, my birthday, my SSN, and my dad's address. As it so happens, it's my little brother, the person everyone refers to as my "evil twin brother."

What, you guys didn't know that I have one of those? I'm serious. He looks just like me, even though we aren't twins. Enough like me that he can pass himself off as me, even to people who are aquainted with me, provided that the light is fairly dim. So once I started getting some information, I put two and two together and did NOT get five. What I got is that my little brother was getting pulled over and telling the cops he was me, since I was 1600 miles away and couldn't protest. Cute...

So I called the officer who issued the ticket in Rockingham County, explained that I was in Albuquerque at the time, and explained that I was not the person who committed the offense.

The first thing he asked was if I had a brother. See, we're fairly well-known around these parts, much to my chagrin. You'll be seeing why in a minute.

I told him yes. He asked me what he looked like. I told him he looked just like me. He thought that it probably explained quite a bit, and asked me to come down to the station today so we can see what was going on.

I went to the police station, and talked to him. Officer Hawkins was his name. He said it was so long ago that he didn't remember if it was me he pulled over or not, so I would have to take it up in court. In order to go to court, I had to have a court date. In order to get a court date, I had to have the warrant served for the failure to appear. In order for the warrant to be served, I had to go see the magistrate and get arrested. So off I went.

I showed up at the magistrate's office about twenty minutes later. There was one person before me, a middle-aged man in handcuffs and leg shackles who was told that he would held on a $10,000 secured bond.

I was next. I went in, and explained what was going on. The magistrate was actually a pretty good-natured fellow, and he listened to what I had to say. He explained that he would have to have the warrant served, and called an officer to arrest me.

"Thanks!" I said, not thinking. I paused. "You know, it's really weird that I'm thanking you for calling an officer to arrest me."

He chuckled. "Yeah, that is pretty odd."

We chit-chatted while we waited for the officer, and filled in some details.

"What's your brother's name?" he asked.

I told him.

"Well, let's see what he's has been up to..." the magistrate mused as he tip-tapped on his keyboard.

WOW. Seems my little bro has been busy. Allow me to present a small list of the things he has been charged with while I was in New Mexico. (Please note that I am not testifying in any way, shape, or form that he actually committed any of these things.)

  • Possession of drug paraphernalia (x4)
  • Possession of marijuana (less than .5 ounces) (x3)
  • Possession of marijuana (MORE than .5 ounces) (x1)
  • Breaking and entering (x1)
  • Possession of burglar's tools (x1)
  • Possession of explosives with malicious intent (x1)
  • Grand larceny (x1)
  • Failure to appear in court (x5)
  • Various traffic violations
I'm not exactly sure how explosives can have malicious intent, but this is a pretty impressive list in any case. Especially for someone who can pass themselves off as me to the police, someone who I could be mistaken for, and someone who is currently wanted in four counties. Especially especially for someone who is still free, working, and generally having a blast. I don't know how he does it.

The officer arrived about another twenty minutes later, and began filling out the arrest paperwork. I was never cuffed, I wasn't fingerprinted, and I never stepped foot in a jail cell. I actually joked around with the arresting officer and the magistrate while I was getting arrested. I was then immediately released on an unsecured bond, with a court date of August 27th. The magistrate took the time to warn me that if I didn't show up for court I would be, in short, sorely fucked.

Amber and I went out to dinner afterward to celebrate my first ever arrest. (And for a crime I didn't even commit, no less.) When I got back, Lieutenant Hanson, the officer from Guilford County, gave me a call. Once I explained the situation, he agreed to have me come see him, at which point he would file a motion to have his charges against me dropped. He also promised that he wouldn't arrest me. This development is very good, as it will make the other charge a bit harder to pin on me when I go to court. It's kind of hard to be mad at me over a revoked license when the offense over which the license was revoked had been dropped. All in all, I'm pleased with the results of my first ever arrest, although I'm still going to stomp my little brother's face in the next time I see him.

(I find this disclaimer amusing, so this node is closed-captioned for the metaphorically impaired.)

Idly wondering how to explain the relationship of the physical world to the spiritual, I have realized: We are Divine computers.

The physical world is only the parts which can be kicked, which behaves according to fixed rules and is generally most easily understood and predictable. The random factor comes from spirit—its decisions, interactions, and general instability. Yet it is also the subconscious habits and motivations. Both the conscious and subconscious can be altered, but with more difficulty for the latter.

Even though the space it occupies is multi-dimensional, the physical realm only responds to a small part of the activity happening there, and those responses are all the spirit has to work with during life. Psychic powers can arise from non-standard additions, though I don't know how or why that would be granted.

Of course, the analogy breaks down when discussing afterlife, unless legions of zombie xterms long closed are haunting my apartment....

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