There's not much in this world more enjoyable than a quiet Saturday at home. Aside from giving me time to get all my mundane tasks out of the way, I've also been able to plonk myself in front of the ol' Victrola and listen to some new vinyl I hadn't yet caught up with. Mmmm.. psychedelia.

My current relationship seems to be heading towards a decision point.. it's pretty obvious to both of us it's not anything particularly special, but on the other hand, nothing's bad or difficult enough to justify knocking it on the head. I guess only time will tell.

There's only one cigarette left.. dare I try giving up again? It's a never-ending battle between science and popular culture..

I had another appointment with my counselor today. I have been in a pretty decent mood lately. Things seem to be going alright. I am really excited about this job prospect out in Rochester. To think, in a few short weeks, I could be away from my parents, making money and working my way towards getting my RIT degree again. You'd think I would be happy, and I was...

But then I went to see my counselor. I was excited, I thought I was finally ready to take my life in a direction other than the wrong one. As I began to speak to her I could hear myself. I was speaking quite rapidly, something normal for someone who is excited about a new possibility. But then I heard the words of my family: Debbie, you're talking really fast! said in that foreboding foreshadow of doom. The implication of crazy mania loomed above, around and through me. Suddenly I became aware of every single word I said and I found myself focusing on slowing down my speach to the point that I was so fixated on controlling the speed of my words that I couldn't think of the next word to say. I couldn't remember what I wanted to talk about, I couldn't get a single complete phrase out. I just stopped talking in midsentence and began to tear up. I can't stand that I have to constantly monitor my own behavior for fear that someone might thing I was going mental on them. I don't think there's anything wrong with me, but then again no bipolar person can ever admit that they are bipolar.

My greatest fear is that someone will tell me that I am bipolar and they will make me take medication. I was on Depakote for 6 months and I don't think I have ever hated my life as much as I did then. I slept for 23 freakin' hours a day. And I made sure to tell Kathy this. I told her there was no way I could handle being on that crap ever again. Her 'good news' was that they wouldn't put me on Depakote, they would probably put me on Lithium! Ahh!! If that isn't the scariest sounding thing you have ever heard please stand up, please stand up, and put one finger on each hand up.

Please let the record show that I, Debbie, being of semi-sound mind, hereby proclaim that hell will freeze over before I will submit to taking Lithium!

So here I am, sitting in her office, all excited about this new life decision I have so bravely made and all I can think about is, Am I manic today? And just what the hell does it mean to be manic? Could this just be another manic monday? And why can't it be just another manic monday? Am I not allowed to have ups and downs anymore? How can I be normal if I am not allowed to be normal? What's up with that? In fact, I am so annoyed that I have just decided to end this node. Goodbye!
Woke up at seven this morning, took a shower and had some string cheese for breakfast. Drove to school only half awake. I ran into Stacy and Erin, two of my best friends, when I got there. They had to rearrange classes and whatnot the same as I did. I have been worried to pieces over my schedule for weeks, and I thought to have it all resolved today. But no. I’m just as confused and worried as ever, if not more so due to the fact that this is dragging along. But thankfully I had Erin and Stacy there to keep me company. We talked about what’s been going on over the summer. When Stacy went to Germany, she hooked up with some d00d named Andy who lives there. She said the experience was “fun, exciting, and educational.” Hmmm. No more innocent Stacy. She only knew the guy for a week and a half, but as long as she’s happy I suppose it’s all good. Better than a one night stand, I guess. Maybe.

Went to work at 12:30 this afternoon. There were quite a few interesting characters in the store tonight. One man, with his shirt unbuttoned halfway down his chest, numerous gold necklaces, slicked back hair and a painful looking tan, was going on about how he had eaten off paper plates since his divorce. Good to know. Another man was extremely pissed about his ketchup bottle not working properly. He demanded we call customer services for him right that second. He ended up doing all the talking when our words weren’t strong enough to relate his dissatisfaction. All this over a clearanced ketchup bottle that cost five bucks, plus tax. A lady drove all the way from Grand Rapids to demand a refund because she did not get her 10% discount. Her refund was a total of eighty-four cents. Was that worth driving all the way to Holland for? Some people amaze me.

I've brought a friend to Everything.
I think it's the first one, although I've been doing extensively advertising of E2, so you never know if there are other ape followers around here.

Having a friend in E2, one who you meet in Real Life frequently and who knows your biography, is quite interesting. I experienced various feelings about this:

  • What would he think if he reads one of my very personal nodes, the ones that explain things I've never said to anyone?
  • Should I cool one of his nodes as a welcome? What would my fellow everythingians think about it? Am I too responsible?

Not only I know this new user, but I work for him as well. In fact, he knew about everything because I want to create a new Everything for the project we are working. As I am always advertising to friends the weird things I find in the net, people tend to be a bit overwhelmed by my continuous discovering. So I grabbed him one day, and started to node in front of him. We visited some nodes, we upvoted and downvoted, we went to the chatterbox and we msged, we cooled a node and we discussed everything. And he got bitted, and he's now here.

BTW, I haven't mentioned who he is, but there's a hidden hard link in this writeup that says it all. I just can say that my friend knows a lot about music, and I hope his nodes would add a lot to Everything.

Yesterday | Dizzy->Day_Logs() | Tomorrow


I'm meeting some of the London-based everythingians soon. I was so worried about my appearance, that I actually braved the agoraphobia-inducing Basingstoke town centre to get my hair cut. Thankfully I didn't get the strange hair fetishist who sniffs, tastes and fondles my hair.

I have attained Level 6!! Just in time to get a current picture from the aforementioned London meet.

Heh, Today shall be worth the trouble of travelling just so that I can answer my Mother when she asks me what I did today; "Oh, I just met up with some complete strangers in the middle of soho for a few drinkies" :-)

I feel nasty and sarcastic and easily irritated to the point of truly going off on people today. Now, the normal response to this would be to node like hell, but I'm not in the mood. In fact I find that the ordinary bits of ugliness that I have to encounter each day in the Real World may make the ignorance, racism, sexism, and pigheadedness that I encounter on e2 (in among the loads of good stuff) just too much. I don't know. Anyway.

I fed a kitty.
Boy it's jam packed with good people in this node!
ariels made a suggestion that I add some quotes from Josephus in my Masada node. I thought that was a terrific idea so I added those this morning.

I've spent the last two days at the University of Arizona going through Parent Orientation with Number One Son. My advice to all present and future parents, Don't miss it! Do everything you can to go because even though it's a time charged with emotions (mostly joyful and some painful) it means the world to your child that you are there....even if they don't come within a 300 foot radius of you, know that they want you there!
In between meetings for parents and students, my son and I caught up with each other and compared notes. It was a lot of information and what I didn't know -- he knew-- what he didn't know-- I had the information. One girl remarked how much she wished her parents had been able to come.

We had the good luck to happen to move into an award winnning public school district. I was SO impressed as to how well my son was prepared by them. His financial aid was there and in order, and he had already taken his math and English placement tests so they were out of the way. While others were testing or standing in line a member of the orientaion team took him to get his student card saving us a lot of time by avoiding long lines later on. My son also had the privilege provided by grandparents of staying in the campus dorms while attending Lute Olsen's basketball camps every summer since he was eight years old, so he was familiar with the campus. It was so much easier for both of us making this life changing transition.

During my free time while he was out exploring with friends I discovered a Mom crying in the bathroom (yea, understandably, some of us are more comfortable dealing with stress by finding a quiet place for a good cry) it's a part of letting go and sometimes mothers get the silly notion that they'll never see their "Life's Work" again. I'm lucky ...for now my son will be living at home as he starts his college career, she however, had lost her mother, been recently divorced and was now leaving her only son at an out of state university. They'll both be fine I'm sure.

Number One Son's major (as of today at least) is Broadcast Communications. The faculty advisor for the college of Communications told the students that this was not the school to be at if they "wanted to be the next Tom Brokaw." This was very discouraging news for us to hear as he wants to be a Sports Broadcaster. During the parent's orientaion presented by Career Services the speaker mentioned that he had received an e-mail from a student he had helped who had just acquired a position as producer for Late Night with David Letterman. I expressed the discouraging news we had heard earlier, explained that my son was considering attending the University of San Diego in the spring, and asked.....where would I direct him to find encouragement in that direction...would Career Services be the best place to go for help? A few things happened then that I believe were Divine Intervention.

(My father, brother-in-law, my husband and myself have all attended the U of A. Number One Son has dreamed of attendng there since Steve Kerr and Sean Elliot visited his Kindergarten class and played a little b-ball with him.)

One, the Dean of Admissions was there and wanted to know which meeting it was we heard this.(oh my!) ... 'We may have misunderstood the faculty advisor.' I tried to tell him.
One parent said her student was attending the U of A because it was rated number 5 in the nation in the area of broadcast communications. But most importantly there was a parent there from Bellvue,Washington who was a television producer. He handed me his business card and a list of ideas for internships for my son with possilbe classes he would need. He was very encouraging saying our community has a terrific market for television, and that digital TV as well as streaming broadcasts over the web will create a large market in my sons area of interest. I was touched by his enthusiasm and concern, and the time he took to write all this information down for us to help out.

Most of all I am SO excited for my son as he begins this new endeavor in his life! One of the speakers mentioned that no ones life is a straight line. Some students may see people as having reached their place in life as something they planned from the start. I can personally say that my life has been composed of a series of derailments and unexpected diversions toward my goals. I'm happy my that most important ones, successful parenting and teaching, have been achieved! But unseeably to others to me my life looks like a patchwork quilt and from here on the inside, it's plain as day life turned me all in directions I never expected.

People in our family have made great sacrifices so that I may follow my gifts and in turn my children may follow theirs. Only two generations ago members of our family worked hard and took great risks so that we may have this opportunity.
My husband's grandparents immigrated from Germany. After fighting in World War I they left for America because they could see what Hitler was heading into and knowing Grandfather was in the German army he would have to fight for this terrible cause.
My grandparents raised nine children and one orphaned cousin through The Great Depression, sending them all through college with nothng more than what they earned from the land they lived on.
No one asked them what they wanted to do with their life, what dreams they had. They had gifts they couldn't follow......I am honored with their legacy.

Trusting God's Plan

When you turn to the right or when you turn to the left, your ears shall hear a word behind you saying,
"This is the way; walk in it."

- Isaiah 30:21 (NRSV)

When I look, I can see God's hand in the unfolding story of my life.


Well last night was good and today has been excellent to this point. I bought the rest of the components I needed to build the new linux machine, and with the new broadband service I should have my server going anyday now, this is gonna be alot of fun.
I ran into two of my old cowboy buddies from highschool at a resteraunt in town, so we sat and had a few drinks and such, then I had to leave. Damn it was good to see those boys again. One of them was married, and had 2 kids! My how the time zips by when you're not watchin'.
It's been a good last couple of days, I'm learning to live on my own again, it's not easy, but it's much more fun when my buddies come around, unabashed by the evil Ex-Girlfriend.
I disappeared again. It only lasted a few days, though. That's when I stop responding to email, lock myself away in my room, and waste the days away drinking Gatorate and eating Snickers bars. I stepped backwards for these few days, back to where I don't want to be, where the hours blend into each other and the ansi on my screen is more important than dinner. And I enjoyed it. Too much.

I missed four days of work last week. A much needed break I would say. But it wasn't exactly by choice. Had a little medical problem, had it taken care of. I go back to work on Monday. School starts on Monday, too. Oh, the joy! I am looking forward to it. The school part, anyway.

The books I ordered from arrived yesterday. I am happy. The past few months I've acquired so many books that my bookshelves won't fit anymore. What a dilemma.

The more time I spend online, the more empty it seems my room gets. It begins to feel so quiet when I turn the computer off. Too quiet. Like it had recently just become quiet and it was unnatural for it to be that way.

I feel so puzzled.
Lost. Again. In a new place. This is not my beautiful house, and I certainly don't have a beautiful wife. Why the hell did I move myself, my time, my memory to this place? It's devoid of anything familiar other than the objects and the cat I brought with me. My car isn't even something I'm used to, so I drive around in circles, trying to find a niche to belong in this time.

The last time I felt I really belonged somewhere was many years ago. I'm not bitching. I enjoy my portability. But still, could I not have at least brought one person with me? Just one? I feel like making a pact with someone dark and dangerous, that if I never have to feel this way again, they could have my soul when my time here is done.

But how would I do that? There isn't a Lucifer's Wish Hut within miles of here! And even if I got the chance, who would I wish by my side? Someone old? Someone new? Someone borrowed? Or someone else who's blue?

'Traveler', my car's name is Traveler. Maybe because I just found out about my father's old ties with the Irish in Miami. Or maybe it's because I can't stay any place long enough to grow roots. And even though I just got here, I already feel the urge and nerve to turn around and leave again. Walk further down my path. But I can't, so I'll do what I'm supposed to and make camp here.

I sat at home today, bored shitless, doing nothing but web design, IRCing, and noding. Someone help me! I've done some Napstering too. I'm eagerly awaiting e-mail from the SO (Who is out of the country for 10 months). Ever seen the movie Six Days, Seven Nights? If ya have, ya know the scene where he goes into a big cluster of bushes and freaks out? I would love to do that right now.

Banners flying from the balconies of Bruce Eriksen place, 380 Main street, social housing overlooking the intersection of Hastings and Main.

                                        commit  hope    change
                                        dream   vote    elect
                                        share   home    trust
                                        vision  work    voice
                                        dignity respect courage
Regrettably, words are not enough.

in our last episode... | p_i-logs | and then, all of a sudden...

Everything Day Logs
Yesterday | Tomorrow

Everything Snapshot

Time: Sat, 19 Aug 2000 23:58:10 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) Debian/GNU mod_perl/1.21_03-dev
Number of nodes: 660493 (1075 new since August 18, 2000)
Number of users: 18139 (29 new since August 18, 2000)
Number of links: 3094303 (15913 new since August 18, 2000)

Node to user ratio: 36.413 nodes per user
Link to node ratio: 4.685 links per node
Link to user ratio: 170.588 links per user

New Nodes: [color blind] [Editor Log: August 19, 2000] [Counterculture?] [how many lines of code have you written?] [A real OS for work and a toy OS for fun] [John McCain and Health Insurance] [Necromancy: Rituals of the Dead] [grim Victorian agnosticism] [chip] [Editor Log: August 19, 2000] [SACD] [Piccolo Pete] [ASCI Red] [John McCain and Health Insurance] [nug smuggler]

Users Online (30): [dannye] [Lometa] [Deborah909] [knifegirl] [prole] [Lord Brawl] [thefez] [dragoon] [Kallen] [Soberty] [achan] [mblase] [Flip] [id1984] [dwyn] [tribbel] [Leynos] [muegge] [ferrouslepidoptera] [WolfDaddy] [humbabba] [pigpoo] [nd] [entropidus] [DaveQat] [Big_Al] [Revera] [xCheeze itx] [Wolf^] [Wolff]

JeffMagnus node count: 4032 (1 new since August 18, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience: 9468 (5 more since August 18, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 2.348 XP per node
JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.611%
JeffMagnus node of the day: E2 server facts

bla bla bla day

Another day of false starts early in the morning. Woken by mom to see if I wanted to do something - it wasn't nutrition, and so I demurred and started to fall asleep as the words trailed out of my mouth. True rising came around 11 when Michael, a family friend, came by to see the parents. Worked a bit on Schrodinger's Cat and then started to feel real hunger pangs, so I pulled out the tortilla chips and guacamole. Let no one say I eat a balanced diet. The obnoxious ones came back from the beach and I once again had to deal with the joys of five young teenage boys.

incestuous literary references

Robert Anton Wilson puts out a pretty mean text. Interesting ideas on the primate nature of humanity and on other various topics. He mentions himself and the Illimunatus trilogy a bit too much... A review should be posted in the next few days. Engaged in volume control wars over the TV and DJ Shadow/The Velvet Underground with the bros, tho luckily by that time the most annoying one had left. Bye bye Matt, may you never cross my path again. David started to play around with the pins and shoved a few into his thumb, a pretty common habit of mine when I was younger. He then ripped them out using the magnetic bowl, which wasn't something I'd seen before. I then finished off On the Road - an interesting book, wild Dean and Sal chasing around America. I know a few people with the same Dionysos drive that propelled Dean, but to a lesser extent. Nowadays such a person strung so high would burn out so fast I'd never have met them. I think I preferred The Dharma Bums, however. I checked E2 and wrote a bit. Apparently someone's been making a habit of downvoting any nodes of mine. Daylogs even - I must craft an Defense of the Daylog. Torn between the annoyance of losing rep and the glee of having irrational enemies. I really don't understand why anyone would downvote Why I gave up anarchy either - the same glee applies. Must be ideological - you can't argue with delusions.

lovely fuel, yet tasty

We had a smorgasboard of tasty Indian food from a local restaurant. Nothing exceptionable, but I certainly appreciated it. My mom's getting very openly upset about the fact that I'm leaving. It's uncomfortable. The boys left for ice cream or Balboa Bars with Michael and she's busy quilting.

Whoa. The past two days have been hectic. This is basically three day logs compressed into one, because it makes more sense this way...

On Thursday I talked to my ex-girlfriend again. (Read my writeups under June 1, 2000 and June 11, 2000 for more about her) Why does she think I want to hear about how much she enjoys spending time with her new boyfriend, or gory details about her sexual life? Is there something inherently evil about her, does she seek revenge, or does she truly believe that I want / need to know? And why do I listen to her, why can't I just hang up? Will I be able to get over this?

Also, a friend called asking me if I'd go to a party he knew about. I was too tired from work, and sad about her, so I declined.

Yesterday I met someone. Someone beautiful and intriguing; I am not able to grok her, at all. (BTW, she's not a geek girl, but she likes geek guys!) We'd been talking online and on the phone for a while, and it seemed I had gone down the LJBF path already. I don't know why I called her; I don't know why she accepted to meet this complete stranger that I was, but she did. So we hung out in San Francisco for a while, and on the way back I threw in the random idea of showing her where I live...

(Today) It ended up being one of the most wonderful nights I've had in my life. Both of us were trying to get over somebody else. It was pure sexual rage, with no strings attached, just desire coming to fruition. It was wonderful. I took her home this morning... both of us were happy. We will see each other again, soon. There is no question about it. Do I/we want to put feelings into this, or should we stick to being friends with privileges? Only time will tell...

But this is not why I chose to write this day log. I found out that my friend's birthday party was yesterday-- I had misunderstood him on the phone. If I had understood him correctly the first time, I probably would not have called Her at all, because I would have had some sort of plans for last night. This had me thinking... Without this sequence of strange coincidences: talking to my ex and getting sad and angry, misunderstanding my friend on the phone, calling Her instead of calling some friend to hang out with... this would not have happened. Even if there isn't someone "out there" to arrange things in beautiful ways for us, even if this is just probabilities who happened to have gone my way, thanks.

You'd better let somebody love you, before it's too late...

This is my first daylog! Yay. I hope its not too rambling.

Well, the day started off in its typical fashion. Woke up around 9 and signed on to the computer shortly after. Managed to spend around 3 hours on this very site and noding only once. For some reason I find it intimidating to write more than I do. Some part of me still feels that I don't have very much of interest to say, but I am slowly getting over that. I managed to pull myself off the computer around 1pm or so and decided that I had to get out of the house to preserve my sanity. So I called a friend.

We wound up hiking through one of my favorite places in this godforsaken town- the only nature preserve within short driving distance. It's not a very large place, but the trails are perty and the beach is not AS polluted as some others. It used to be one of my favorite places to go and think when I was very depressed about a year ago. Now, though, I just like to go to enjoy the scenery and fantasize about truly sharing the place with someone. Unfortunately, today was not a good day for this as my friend decided to complain about the bugs eating him up alive. After some time of this we roamed off to explore a little old estate built in the area by Benjamin Guggenheim. Very pretty castle with lots of funky architecture and small sculptures. We decided that it was a fine setting for various levels of debauchery.

Back to the car. Listened to some very funky Japanese music covering every musical style from choral classical to 60's Beatles-esque rock n' roll. Fascinating stuff. Then it was on to the Gap! I don't like the Gap. My friend enjoys clothes way too much for his own good. Now it was my turn to complain. Trudging through several trendy stores only reaffirmed by conviction never to buy name brand clothes. After another half hour of this we had both gotten sick of each other and decided to go our separate ways.

Since then I have alternated between the computer and rediscovering the joys of Zelda 64. I love that game. It is very useful for escaping from one's problems. All in all it was a good day.

At last saw Mission Impossible 2--it's lingering on at a cinema in town. John Woo's stock trademarks are in it, but they've been used to better effect in his earlier and better movies (Hard-Boiled, The Killer, even Face/Off) so that here they're merely clichés. One sniggers in derision rather than gasping in wonder. For U.S filmmakers Sydney is the Harbor Bridge and the Opera House, just as London is Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament and red double-decker buses, and Paris is the Eiffel Tower. At the end of the movie is a scene in a park near the Opera House--people picnicking and mingling with jugglers and street performers and the like. Any visitor to Sydney notices in 1 minute that the metropolitan population consists of a large number of Asians (the best-dressed people in the city)--Chinese, Japanese, Koreans all clearly visible in the streets--but no, not the makers of this movie. It seems they hired only Anglo-Saxon extras for that scene. As absurd as there being almost no black people in Notting Hill's Notting Hill.

Reading The Journals of Woodrow Wyatt, Volume 1. Wyatt (1918-97) was a Labour MP a couple of times, wrote columns in The Times and The News of The World, was Chairman of the Horserace Totalisor Board, and became a peer and sat in the House of Lords. This book is his diary for October 1985 to December 1988. Almost 700 pages. I've reached July 1986 so far. Although he was a member of the Labour Party, Wyatt was a close friend, almost an advisor, of Margaret Thatcher, and was very fond of her. He saw her as a force lifting Britain out of the sludge of Socialism in which it had been mired for decades--she modernized the country, privatized nationalized industries, gave the people opportunities for betterment which they'd never had before. What a contrast to those who consider Thatcher an Iron Maiden who created the highest unemployment rate since the Depression, forced the unemployed to uproot themselves from their homes and get on their bikes to find work elsewhere in the country or they'd lose the dole, widened the chasm between rich and poor, brought in the Poll Tax, encouraged the USA to have a nuclear presence in Britain, got rid of the Greater London Council. (There is only an oblique reference in the Journals to the abolishing on April 1, 1986 of Ken Livingstone's GLC, which in a way was an implacable foe of the Tories.) I have to wonder now which view of the Baroness is correct. In addition, one of Wyatt's best friends was Rupert Murdoch.

This week I found out Nathan French is dead.


Mike came and woke me up at 7 am today. He arranged for a bunch of us to go to his church up in Harriman and surprise his family there. So we all bundled into two cars and went on our way.

Turns out their church is one of those old, tiny ones, populated almost entirely by old people; the eight of us were the youngest ones there, except for three little kids and Mike's two sibs. We made up a sizeable chunk of the congregation as well, and ended up commandeering the Sabbath school lesson with our song service (two guitars, two theology majors, and hey, we're qualified...) On our way out we accidentally left one of us behind, but luckily didn't get too far before we realized it.

So we get home to Mike's house... they play a lot of music there. They have this piano-type keyboard and huge speakers and stuff, and they were having a lot of fun with it, but...

One guy played at the piano. His playing was technically fine but it felt like a dead thing. Everything else turned to noise and felt empty. I wanted to shout at him, "Get away from the piano already! I can't hear your souls anymore!" but of course I couldn't, I'm not that strong;... I had to sit through it with my fingers in my ears until he lost interest... I thought he'd never quit...

...and we come home, and it's already near dark-time. Jimmy is waiting for us out in the parking lot, I don't know why he didn't come with us, but there it is. We put the live scorpions away (I didn't mention them? We had brought them for the children's story at church) and looked for something else to do. Someone (dunno who) mentioned donuts in the Student Center, so we dashed off for it. Student Center's all closed up and locked off, so we try to come in through the cafeteria, through the elevator, no luck... I look at a calendar, and looks like we have to wait till 9 for "games, movie, popcorn". We spend the remaining time jumping over fences and stuff.

So we arrive early; they're setting up the popcorn machine and the, ah... whatchamacallit that is like a cup of crushed ice with wacky flavoring in it? Well, the wacky flavoring was some kind of mix from concentrate and was ghastly--they were told it was ready-to-use. So that was a botched job. Jimmy was rowdy, he wrestled me to the ground several times (which I suppose is karmic payback for me doing the same thing to Mike's brother earlier today).

The movie turned out to be the animated version of The King and I. It was all right--I liked the king's cat--but the villain (the stereotypical evil vizier) was.. well.. boring. Someone commented that he was no Jafar, and that would be a pretty reasonable description. Most people walked away with a bad opinion of it, but I liked it.

Anyway, that pretty much finishes off that day. (Muke ticks a checkbox and sidles back into the jungle...)

<<   {hojita} Day Log Navigation   >>

Random Thoughts: During band camp yesterday, I noticed my clarinet friend and her freshman clarinet buddy giving me a strange look. I didn't know what to think, but I wasn't too put off by it. Later that day, she came up and gave me a surprise consoling hug and was like "Ohh...they were telling me how that they thought that that person over there (meaning me) was probably a nice person and all, but that they just thought my nose ring was really scary."

Sometimes I wonder about being so open about things that are important to me. Although it might be hard to understand, piercing for me is an intensely personal thing, and whatever benefit or reaction other people have from it is purely incidental and secondary. Seeing my roommate move in tonite (see: August 21, 2000), and knowing my parents and friends, makes me wonder how open is too open. I've always been a shy person, and I haven't ever denied the way I felt or tried to convince myself that I was anything other than me. My reaction throughout highschool was always to just hide anything that would bother other people. This seemed to work well. It was probably the root of my intensive introspection.

It's all these things that I hide that make me start wondering: My parents don't know about my nose ring. Why? They'd be upset. Is it a lie to not tell them? Or is it better to just avoid the unwinnable inevitable argument? My friends told me never to get my septum pierced. I did. I just didn't tell them. They don't know. With a retainer, there's no reason that they would. Or, If people ask me if I'm gay, I'll say, not gay, just a little bisexual. I never actually tell anybody I feel that way. I'm not very strongly bisexual, because I can probably count on one hand all the people of my own gender that are appealing to me, but it would be a lie to tell it differently. Even my best friend from highschool doesn't know that. She wouldn't care in the least, but...I just haven't gotten around to it. Or, I'm an extremely emotional person, but I'm afraid to show it around people, becuase a lot of people don't enjoy having to deal with other's emotions, and it scares them. I wish I could just cry when I need to (like now), or give people hugs when they make me happy, or just let it out and not feel like I'm bothering people. Or, even here on Everything, where I feel fairly comfortable letting things out that I don't normally tell people, I find an urge to be a-gendered. *shrug* It's an unconscious action on my part.

Perhaps it's just me, but I've never found the line between offending people and being myself. I want to believe idealistically that there is no line. That people don't have the right to be offended. That I would be much happier if I could be myself at all times and not hide things about myself that I don't want other people to know. I just hate conflict. It hurts me deeply to offend and hurt other people, even if it's just by being myself. In turn, I hurt myself by doing that, by telling myself that it's not OK to be me. But I don't know where to draw the line. I oscillate wildly between wanting to never tell anybody anything again and telling everybody everything.

And I say all that...but I don't feel like drawing lines tonite.
What's in a day? What does a day hold? How do I tell if my day has been successful?

Today was my first day at home after three weeks on the road. One week of work, one week of vacation, one week of work. The last week of work was the hardest. I had only a few ours between the end of vacation and the start of three straight days of 9-hour meetings. My mind couldn't handle the change. Nor could my body. By the end of the week I felt seriously sick.

So today I was at home. The whole day. By myself. I haven't been so alone in three weeks. I had so many little things to do. Clean the scuba gear, clean the apartment, do laundry, vacuume the several hundred dead rolly-polly bugs from the carpet. Create two weeks worth of expense reports and then watch my printer break. Make calls looking for my lost camera, trying to get a fully-refundable airline ticket refunded (the airline has never had to refund a ticket, so they don't know what to do). Find out how to return a new dive computer that doesn't work. Try to deal with Duke Medical Center which is double-billing me for every visit and every lab test.

I have to admit that being home almost totally sucks. It feels like my life here could so easily overwhelm me with the small bullshit and smaller people that I have to do business with. There is one good thing - my friend Lotte. She called and we went out for dinner and drinks at her favorite place. It was good. I feel awkward in bars anymore though. I'm not there to pick up men and I hardly drink anymore. But it's good to go out and unwind and talk about the past weeks' adventures with a friend.

I left work this morning only too happy to not be dealing with the lot of Verizon until tomorrow, not to mention people in general. ISDN was once again the bane of my existence. But it's a consistent trouble, so I keep reading up on it. Frick. Debug dialer, layer 2, layer 3, events, ppp chap....etc. It wouldn't be so much of a pain in the ass if it didn't come in all the time.

Anyway, I left work in a good mood with thoughts of doing something good, so I wouldn't feel like I was missing out on life by sleeping after work and then going to work again. My notions were nebulous, however, and after grabbing a doughnut and filling up with car's tank, I just drove home, still not knowing whether or not I should do something, and what. Also, Y wouldn't be back yet. Then my inspiration faltered. At home I flossed, folded the laundry, read more of Zen in the Martial Arts, and stood outside for a minute. It's kind of funny in a way. If I had slept more than four hours last night I might have had more endurance.

The maximum lift-to-drag ratio of the World War I Sopwith Camel was 7.7. If the aircraft is in flight at 5000 ft when the engine fails, how far can it glide in terms of distance measured along the ground?

Are you diversified?

What I enjoy is tarantula racing in Arizona!

Press here for help

(I miss you, love.)

'Twas quite the day off work. Having finally finished everything I consider important in the Net-HOWTO, I do believe tomorrow, I'll be ready to experiment with creating a LAN. Fighting Windoze boxen with LAN information... that'll be an adventure. Why isn't there a dhcp-HOWTO?

The second NIC is neatly in the penguin, and it seems to be taking well. I haven't shot any info out it yet, but that'll come later. God, I HOPE I know all I need to in order to get this working. Now I'm getting delusions of hosting LAN parties. Someone stop me. I'm so close to achieving the network I've wanted for months...

In recent days, I have witnessed two amazing feats of hi-lo useage at Meijer... yesterday, on the job, I saw a hi-lo driver flip a penny off the ground onto the lifting forks using the forks themselves. Quite a skilled, though useless, amazing feat. Then, today, while waiting in line as a plebian customer, I saw someone bash an entire stack of Bottle Return bin tops against the vent system using the hi-lo. Wouldn't be so bad if he didn't have the thing lifted so high. Quite an amazingly silly feat.

Ever try a Cheesy Gordita Crunch from Taco Bell? Do so. You'll thank yourself later.

ADDED TO THE MP3 PLAYLIST TODAY: Rock Me Amadaeus, Falco; Spam, "Weird Al" Yankovic

august 19

that smell tonight,

i smelled it on your skin

and in the air around.

clear and crisp

biting through us,

a perfume without taste.

your hair, your skin, your touch:

the cool air of spring streams,

of fall.

that scent tonight

i sensed it on you

close and near –

a kiss across a room of

shadow people.

breathe inhale exhale

upon my naked body

shroud in dreams, desire.

the clear, cloudy, paranoid

evening of silent noisy

me and you and we

and the smell of


tonight i touched the sky;

the perfume chance

of imagination

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