My new hobby (excessive drinking) seems to have created for me a bizarre and painful condition. It appears that as I breath normally through the course of my day I am, in fact, inflating my stomach with air. Apparently the doo-bobber that switches my trachia from stomach to lungs won't close all the way or something of that nature. I nearly exploded last night before I figured it out and belched out the offending gasses. I just made a doctors appointment for Monday.
Rather than quit drinking I have decided to cut orange juice from my diet in order to lower the acidity of my stomach; I am hoping that this will appease my digestive system and allow me to continue with my mentally therapeutic liquor binge.

Wish me luck.
This makes two day logs in a row for me. Wow. I feel like I'm on the emotional roller coaster from hell. I am happy because I have a plan for life, I admit, it's a shot term plan and only really encompasses a year and a half now, but it is a plan nonetheless. I am sad because, until today, I never realized how many ghosts this town held for me. I am happy because I got a new job! ( I'm a computer lab monitor for my university. It's pretty low key and it pays better than my previous job in food service. You can't get any better than that.) I am sad because getting this job means cutting myself off from a few things I used to really enjoy doing. You get the picture. I don't know whether to look at the bad side of things and say, " This sucks." Or the good side and say, "Wow. I get to live this."

And MoJoe, Good Luck.

As I am on my way to bed, I thought it'd be best to write of today while the memories are still there, however fuzzy they get. I didn't have to work! Awesome. Spent the day lounging around until about noon, when I took a nap after reading the second chapter of The Path of Daggers. I've been re-reading the Wheel of Time series again this summer, it's still as good as ever. Luckily the next book will be here soon. It's so hard to wait two years in between each of them.

I managed to wake up at two o'clock or so, just in time to kick my brother and his friend off the couch where they had been watching Happiness (an extremely disturbing movie) and drive them to soccer practice. Listened to Wu-Tang on the way home, turned the base up and pimped it all the way to the driveway. Always good to do that once in a while, so long as there aren't too many people around to see my license plate.

I lounged some more, then went on over to Aaron's house, found him asleep on the floor while Schmoo was watching Pokemon. It was the episode when Bulbasaur, Pikachu, Squirtle, and some other little guys were insisting on keeping the main character kid warm instead of going back into their pokeballs. It almost made me cry, the way Pikachu's little face looked up and said he wanted to stay. I'm pathetic. Shut up.

Went to band camp at six but I had to leave early due to some of the worst cramps I've ever had to live through. I was scared I'd throw up in front of the entire band. That would be a bit embarassing. Speant a while in the bathroom pleading with my stomach to stay settled. It didn't work. I hate being sick. I hate being female. I hate being me, sometimes.

Watched the last bit of Survivor. (Spoiler alert) I can't decide if I'm glad Rich won. Kelly looked so depressed, but I suppose anyone who came that close to winning a million dollars and barely missed would have some regrets. Poor girl. Anyway, I'm a little digusted in myself for getting so caght up in that show in the first place. Sigh. Well, goodnight to all.

we had to drown a baby bunny tonight, it was born too early and due to other things that i won't detail, it was just dying a slow and painful death. i hate knowing something died before it got the chance to live. my sister buried it underneath some leetle stones outside.. it was barely bigger than my thumb. oddly, though, it was a strange sort of sadness. i felt no attachment to the poor little thing itself, i only saw it for a second and watched it's little paws move around. i can only imagine how much pain it must have been in, i think that's the worst of it..

i am very much glad to have such dreamy little humans in my life.. i also like that each is good for different leetle things. that is, some are good for verbally punching me in the head and setting me straight when i need it, others are good for consoling, some are good for both. life is good, i think.. yes, and things are nice and stuff.

i'm tired tonight, but i'm also in denial. heh.. this daylog had other content before but i don't want it there anymore so i got rid of it. take that, content, take that.
The big black dog was leaning waaay out of the second story window with a wery wery serious look on its face, paws resting on the windowsill.

I slowed down as I approached, crossing the intersection, and tried to establish eye contact:

It was eight years ago today that Hurricane Andrew slammed into Miami. I had just gone off to college at UF and watched helplessly as my hometown was reduced to rubble. I saw a good friend's face as he saw photographs of an object floating in the swimming pool, and then as he identified it as his old bed from the second-floor bedroom.

Debby, the fourth named tropical cyclone of 2000, appears to have Florida in her sights. It looks as if Miami may be spared in favor of the Gulf coast. I live in the Tampa area.

When it comes to hurricanes, the best defense is to be somewhere else. I don't know why everyone else prefers to wait until the Ronald Reagan Turnpike is packed with refugees and then consider joining them. If I didn't have obligations at work, I'd drive out tomorrow morning. As it is, I hope to get to Orlando by nightfall and hunker down far from the coast.

For those of you who pray, or meditate, or burn incense, or send out vibes, or any of the above, I'd appreciate your good wishes right about now.

UPDATE: It looks as if the UKMETS and NOGAPS models were right, because Debby is currently using up a lot of energy on Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. This means Tampa is safe for a few more days at least. Whew!

My girlfriend got her wisdom teeth out today. Fun stuff. She had four, one in each corner of her mouth.

First went to Vons to get snack and drop off film for processing. Then over to Hallmark to get her a card thingy. Wanted to get her flowers, but my only mode of transportation was bicycle, and it's a long ride to her house. Then i got a hair cut. I look all spiffy for my senior portraits now. Cycled to the village, and into nicks to write in the card. Then road to her house and just sat on her bed with her all day. It was nice, her mom just let me be in her room on her bed. By nighttime she was conced out in my arms, nice feeling. After around 45 minutes of just enjoying that, i decided i should get up. My back hurt like hell, almost fell over in pain, but i loved every second of it. Wrote her a little note, tucked her in, and kissed her goodnight, then her mom drove me home.
Drank lots of excellent black Illy coffee before 10am, ate a bowl of double-delicious Special K with Red Fruits cereal, feeling guilt that the milk was whole, and noded a dozen or so Sanrio characters with what I hope is adequate erudition. *cough* ;-)

I seem to have caused somewhat of a flap with yesterday's daylog, causing several folks to send hugs to Sensei (which can't have been a bad thing). I'm happy to know that Sensei is well and in good cheer.

Late this pm Gemma and Molly and I went into Civic to stock up on stuff from The Body Shop. Got a DVD and some organic chicken on the way home, I'll do a Sri Lankan curry tonight.

Work is still very odd. Storm clouds gather... or something...

The calendar button on my Palm V broke today, which annoyed me. I just hope that the local office isn't going to take a month to fix it, like the damn AppleCentre have with my PowerBook G3 which blew it's CPU. Still waiting for that.

Dinner was healthful and delicious. Little Molly's still got a rough guts so I've fed her some organic chicken and Nishiki rice -- her favourite meal is also the one that fixes her guts. I gave her a big handful, rice still warm from the Panasonic, chicken all nice and browned in a little olive oil, and she just adored it. Kept looking up at me from her bowl with grains of rice stuck to her whiskers with a look in her eye like "I can't believe my luck!" and "Oh man! This is delicious!". She'll sleep well tonight, with a full tum.

Tonight I have enjoyed the nodes of Jinmyo, eclip5e, girlotron, and uberfetus.


The Hell's Angels are having an international convention right here in Hämeenlinna this weekend. Well, the actual spot for the meeting is far from downtown, but they will undoubtedly visible all over the city.
The local newspaper is trying to create unnecessary and ridiculous hysteria with "will the regular citizen be safe?" articles. Like the only purpose for a big worldwide gathering would be to terrorize local people? I for one won't be fearing for my life. Still.. the last time multiple motorcycle gang members were in one place in Finland, 3 people were killed. That incident involved members from several enemy gangs though, and I severely doubt a rival posse would come anywhere near HML with dozens of 'Angels present.
At least Radio Mafia has some sense of humor, playing Born to be Wild on the air to mark the occasion.


The bosses and fellow employees are planning tomorrow's party held at the deluxe sauna facilities on the top floor. A night of heavy boozing and not much else doesn't feel that appealing to me, so I'll just visit the party and get home early for some geek activities. :)
Sometimes the fact that I don't enjoy drinking hard liquor 'til I pass out makes me feel like an outsider. Fortunately, there now seems to be an another employee who feels the same way. Actually I suspect he might be a pot smoker like myself - why else would he listen to Bob Marley, make jokes about drugs and refuse to drink alcohol to the point of puking? Too bad that is not a thing one can just ask somebody, especially at work.

I really don't feel like noding today, but why? I have lots of work to do, but that hasn't slowed me down before. I'm also somewhat weary, but one can never be too tired to node. No noder's block is bothering me either.
It's probably just a bad day for noding. I'll go sit in the corner now.


I think I just realized why the noding isn't as fun anymore. It's all these people whining and crying about E2 not having enough nodes they think are appropriate. Well excuse me, but I think the site is called Everything2, not "Everything Certain Hot Shot Noders Think is Cool 2". Add to this the constant bitching about downvoting, upvoting, no voting, C!ing, getting to know you nodes... Some individuals don't even have the balls to stand behind their whinings, hence the cowardly soft-links and nodeshelling to offend. I don't quit, but I see why many others do.

You think the day log writers are nothing but XP whores?
These logs don't add anything to what you think E2 should be like?
Just downvote this and shut the fuck up. You can't stop me from noding.

Ok, time to clean up the place, have some Sauvignon Blanc from Chile and relax.
Don't care about my daily happenings? Well boo-hoo.

To be continued...

back | days | front

12:20 BST

Feeling very icky today. I'm coming down with some kind of chest cold. I'm hoping that I don't get laid up for a whole week with it. I'm only at work because my project leader is using emotional blackmail: "You're the only person who can get this done", etc, etc Ad Nauseum.

It's a lovely day today. I find it strange that an event that is supposed to be bad can bring you to unexpected pleasure: The buses have changed their routes, meaning I have to walk much further to work; this means I can appreciate the fleeting British Summer that much more :-)

I think I have decided on my mission drive within everything2. I'm going to go over my old lyrics writeups and add copyright, writer, artist, date and any other information I can find. Hopefully some others will follow suit.

Incestuous comment: Why is everyone whining so much about XP and nodes and leaving and hating each other and stuff? Is the end of August traditionally such an angsty time amongst you humans?

Question: Do you like the new navigation at the top of this writeup?

If I could cool homenodes, I would cool:
fondue's for the picture and the sparse aesthetics
Juliet's for the words
pseudo_intellectual's for the animation and ascii art
hamster_bong's... well, why not? :-)
and last but not least, Break's for overcoming the "no picture until level 6" rule :-)

15:05 BST

Random Thought: I don't like having short hair. You can't muss short hair properly.

Mental Note: Find a mussing partner

Does anyone else use tgif? I'm using it for making CD labels - it's a very good piece of free software.

Damn it, I made a mistake! Or did I?


Came to E2 with "Ack! You lost experience!" message.

Hmm... someone downvoted my yesterday's daylog so it's at 0 now... well, I'll just avoid giving a small critique jabs at "political" movies from now on. =)

Some node I was about to nuke was gone (boring node anyway), as are some nuke-requested nodes. I guess ny00kz are happening again. I turned myself in in E2 Copyright Violations but looks like none of those disappeared! Weird.

In general, I'm not whining. I'll regain the lost xp/writeup count over time. If people would realize such simple truths, E2 might be a better place. Live for information, not for its value to you. OK, enough philosophical pondering for one writeup... =)

I ordered a CD from Swamp Music (I've used Boxman thus far). Enigma's MCMXC A.D. - who says people don't buy CD's after snarfing mp3z from NaPsTah? =) Especially when the MP3 I have is - horrors - encoded at 96kb/s.

I have money again. I need to pay some bills and get my photos developed... need to get movin', I'll tell more about things later.


Again lost XP??? Is there something less funny going on? Everything gave, Everything took, but forever be praised the name of Everything. =)

I went to have some pizza...

You're having a hard time getting all of it down.--more--


Folks? In case you're reading: I'd consider it polite if you'd bother to /msg me if you downvote me, with a reason - especially if it's not about technicalities (typos etc), rather just a Major Lossage or Misrepresentation. And as usual, it ain't cool to downvote just because you feel like doing so.

If you're just downvoting stuff to get tons of XP, do what I do: Upvote ALL writeups you see that you like. Insta-XP! =)


Got GIMP 1.1.24... Didn't do much with it yet, but it seems that File->Quit didn't work. (Well, GIMP is one of those programs in which quitting is irrelevant. =)

Busy day tomorrow! Don't expect a day log - I'm going to Kuhmo.


Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...

I got that fortune cookie a moment ago... shouldn't that be "...on /dev/video0..." or something? =)

Anyway, it's official: PGP sucks. See Slashdot. PGP vulnerabilities have been detected in form of Possible Backdoors...

I should nuke PGP5 anyway, because it is just a plain ugly piece of software. I can't! NoCeM requires a PGP signature and it has to be made with a RSA key so that old NoCeM-readers understand me. Drats. Mail me with my GnuPG key, but I'll keep signing the stuff with my PGP RSA key.

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: Swamp Music

Requested to nuke: everyt, faux paus, PikaCHING! (None of those really worthy =)

I was stuck at the mercy of my friend flirting with a new
crush of hers lastnight at Carrows so I didn't get
home until after 1 you know how well that went over
with mom, so today I'm stuck cleaning the entire house
from top to bottom. If it's not done by 4 I'm grounded
to the point of no one in no one out and no
computer.God I hate my fucking life!!! You know when
someone gets done making you feel like your apsolutely
nothing and theres that numb feeling right before
ultimate loneliness and sadness?Well Thats where I am
only after this morning I feel like she took her foot
and stomped on my chest. There are just some things
that you don't say to your daughter to make her feel
like she might as well be dead!!!!!!! I know she's
having a hard time but doesn't she even think before
words come out of her mouth, I'm fucking going through
shit too!!!!!!! I'm the one that has to be here at 17
losing my mom and having to face the harsh reality
that my dad doesn't want anything to fucking do with
me after she's dead. I'm the one that will have no one
to take care of me and talk to me and hold me. I'm the
one that is sick of being strong for everyone else.
Can I be weak just once Can I be weak????
I guess thats too much to ask.

"Please give a full description of what happened" is what the final part of the form read. It's the form that came up when I clicked on a bad link at the Dilbert page. I think the follwing response fulfills both the request for a full description, and a day log entry.

I was having a pretty bad morning. I had a great night last night at a dinner party for some IBM testers who are in town on a project. It was German night, but we topped it off with genuine green tea. There was also plenty of wine, some drink made with cocoa, milk and rum, and beer. I didn't get home until midnight, and then was too wired from the green tea to get to sleep. So I stayed up handling a few e-mails and playing at I finally got to sleep around 2:00 AM.

I virtual office, so I thought that I'd be able to sleep in until around 10:00 AM. Usually, my co-workers do not disturb me too early in the morning. BUT, my future pointy-haired boss called at 8:04. I had the phone forwarded to my Skytel, but the ring woke me up. I have to talk to him anyways because I've decided to take the asshole's offer, even if he won't give me four weeks vacation. I'll just work there untiil I can get a new job somewhere else. I guess that isn't really accepting the offer - it's rolling over by default. You see, the company I work for is terminating all of its Document Management Specialists and sending us to one of their subsidiaries. This particular subsidiary is particularly insidious. They are a very immature and cheap company. The entire management hierarchy is made up of white males, primarily below the age of 28. There is one token female in the upper ranks, and - wow - they brought in one of our black people to a high position. So maybe they're loosening up.

Anyway, I tried to find a new job but could not. Three months just isn't enough time. I'm good at what I do, but priced at the high end of the market, above what most companies can afford. And no, I'm not backing down on my price. So, I've decided to take this job for now. I need to talk to the pointy-haired one in order to accept the offer. So he calls at 8:04 this morning and leaves a message on my Skytel.

He's in Des Moines this week trying to deal with one of our sadder contracts. We're bleeding money out there, and hey - the VP should really be doing something useful - he went there to straighten it out. The problem is that his cell phone does not work when he is at the client site. I don't think he realizes this. He paged me and sent the cell phone number. I tried calling the cell phone for the nth time and was told he wasn't available or out of range. Now, this would be fine except for the fact that the genious PHB does not have voice-mail on his cell phone. (It's a little annoying that his home office phone has to ring about 12 times before going to voice mail too.)

To make a long story short, I got up to see who had called, found it was the PHB, tried calling him back, and couldn't reach him. Then I decided to play online, since I was awake. I went to the Dilbert zone, read today's strip, and then tried to go to the List of the Day. When I clicked on the List of the Day link, I landed here.

So, I wonder if some poor tech guy will take the time to read all the way through the saga? Or does a support person ever see the information we put on the forms? I can easily envision a corporation posting forms like this to let customers think that they are concerned about the quality of the web page, then completely ignoring the results because it would actually cost money to track the problems.
My first day log and I can't resist mentioning poo as a log based pun. With luck I shall be forgiven.

So today is a typical Thursday for me. I woke, bathed, rode the tube a little and got to work an hour early. I really have to stop doing that. At least today I had an excuse because I ordered a new toy yesterday and knew it would be waiting for me. Whenever I buy technology I get a cool rush although I know that shortly after it will either be half the price or obsolete. Still, I just got a 12x SCSI CD writer and I can't wait to go home and play with it. Now I can start shifting a few gigs of mp3s off my hard drive.

Had one of my favourite nodes downvoted due to blatant nodevertising. This was fair enough, but a shame because although it's brief my touching cloth node is complete. I thought.

Work's going slow because the project I am on is virtually complete and I have only had to fix one bug in the last five or six days. It should be exciting as we are planning our next project in the downtime, but until I get a bit of time off I think it will be hard to get enthusiastic.

Nintendo announced their next console at SpaceWorld 2000 today. The Nintendo Gamecube. It looks like a sandwich toaster/handbag, but that's not important. It will be interesting to see how public opinion of it goes.

Maybe I should have started my day logs on a more interesting day.

I'm making considerable progress on Mordecai (my linux box) short of one thing, it's not able to access my CDROM for some reason. I did get it to recognize the fact that there is a modem now connected to it. And last night, I got the sound to work, except the midi's, I'll work on that more as it comes time. Little advances like this, are just enough to keep me interested in keeping it going, it would be much easier to say the hell with it, put windows on and play Unreal Tournament on it. I won't be doing that though, this is too good a learning experience for me.
I do have anm who's linux skills are somewhat more advanced than mine, he's been very helpful when I needed some immediate info.

Today I register for the CCNA certification being offered at the local Junior College. The cost is minimal, and when all four classes are complete I will take the CCNA test. I'm really hoping that my job will reimburse me for the school once I have the cert.

Good morning! I am very sleepy and I have a lot of really urgent work to do. But I'm not staying late tonight, because he and I are going to the Village Cafe tonight to celebrate our sixteen-month anniversary. I'm looking forward to it.

Eyed other people at Specialty's even though I wasn't expecting any other e2ers. No nifty surprises, though. One unpleasant surprise as I was crossing Folsom St., though. Some guy in the passenger seat of a vehicle turning right in front of me leered at me through the window, with eye contact--and tongue. Ewww! Jeez, why am I running into so many ill-behaved men/boys lately? ... It's 9:04 and I should Do Work.
Oh oh oh! I got my confirmation for the Berkeley Extension Japanese class my boss will be paying for. Yay!
Lunch was pretty good. The guy at Napa Ranch always gives me something extra for free, or charges me for a less expensive item. I don't know why. I think he thinks I speak Spanish, though, so maybe that's it. I have a really bad migraine. Not so much the pain as the nausea and vertigo going with it...ick. I would like to feel better soon because of tonight.

That's it. I'm going vegetarian.


I went for almost a year with no meat. To my credit, that's quite an accomplishment. However, when I realized that SOY! SOY! SOY! does not make me strong, but only wreaks havoc my stomach, that I would have to find an alternative. So I went back to being Omnivorous.

Until today.

ROAST BEEF SHOULD NOT BE GREEN! And yet there it was, staring at me from the plate, mocking me. Teasing me. Saying, 'Ha-ha, you see? I'm spoiled. I'm rotten. And yet YOU PAID FOR ME!'
It's not that I have anything against meat, it's just the exact same reason drove me away last time. So, I'm altering my diet, yet again. I'm not going back to soy any time soon, but I'm making changes on what foods I eat. This is the last time I try to get a full meal out of work's vending machine, and amazingly, it was also the first time I tried. Apparently, in this company, I am alone in my discoveries of bad meat, unlike my previous job, where it seemed to happen more often than not.

Here are my new rules for eating meat

  • NO MEAT PRODUCTS FROM VENDING MACHINES. I'm 2 for 2 in 2 seperate jobs in this category. Perhaps now will be a good time to stay away for good.
  • No more unprocessed meat. I consider unprocessed as "not in a can". No more supermarket-purchased lunch meat, of any type. Canned soups containing meat is still acceptable. I'll make exceptions for this on a play-by-play basis.

This means, once I begin to eat in the school cafeteria once more (classes in 4 weeks), I need to see the food be cooked myself before I eat it. I need to see other people get the food and not return it before I eat it. I will not order from strange restaurants, only ones I am familiar with. While dining out, I will make note to see what everyone else is eating, if they are eating it and not becoming violently ill, I will assume the food is safe.

This is really frustrating. Maybe I'll just abandon food altogether and live off of flax seeds for the rest of my life.

I decided to start working out again and my body is mad at me. All of my muscles have rebelled against me and they have tightened to the point where I can barely straighten my arms. Today has been very good. I have seen an endless stream of hot women. I even saw a few of my friends that I had not seen in quite a while. My plans for tonight include drinking until I can't move and then taking one more shot for luck. I hope to find myself in the arms of a beautiful woman by the end of the night but that rarely happens and when it does it is usually my best female friend and for however much that is worth she is still my friend and nothing can come of it. Oh well, I will just enjoy the drinking and see what happens. Happy trails!

This feels weird, I've never noded in a daylog before. But for once in my life, I have a lot to say and nobody to tell it to. My girlfriend, Pam, went to her school today to pick up some books and just spend the day. She's going to Albion college, in beautiful scenic Albion, Michigan. Its a liberal arts college, one of those schools that knows exactly how many students are enrolled at all times of the year. Since she's two hours away today, nobody is around to hear my anxieties.

School starts on September 6th, but Pam leaves on Saturday. She wants "time" to build a social life out there and make sure she can get started on the right foot before concentrating on our relationship. I really can't complain, because she still loves me, and keeps reassuring me that I'm her boyfriend and that I'm #3 in her life after her education (which is costing her $24,000 a year), and her family. In all honesty, that is all I could ever ask for from anybody, possibly more. But I know that my sweetie is going to be meeting hundreds of people, half of which will be guys, most of which will probably want to get on her. If I didn't trust her 100%, that might actually bother me, but I'd rather be around with a baseball bat just in case they got an idea or two. Ok, thats not realistic, and definately not me, but it sure would make life simpler.

That same Saturday, I'm going to have to move out of my mothers house, who I haven't lived with in ten years until this summer, and get everything ready to go to Ann Arbor. After two years apart, I'm living with my best friend again, kaytay's boyfriend Aaron. I think that it'll be the coolest thing since sliced bread to have somebody around all the time to talk to, and with my personal schedule I know I won't be around enough to get sick of him. There are so many possibilites that lie ahead of me at Michigan, but for once in my life, I'm freakin happy and would rather just stay where I am. Change is your friend when you're unhappy, and I'm as far from unhappy as I've ever been in my entire life. Now it just brings uncertainty.

For now, I get to stew with all these thoughts in my head as I stare at my poster of X-men the movie that hung up in my cubicle. Tomorrow will be my last day working for Meijer in their ITS department, and I'm probably going to miss it. After all, Kornshell scripting, basic support issues and Active Server Pages aren't exactly busting your hump for $10.50/hr, an 8-5 job, and working 10 minutes away from Pam's house.

Having such a perfect life right now makes me think of all the people I know whose lives suck right now. It really makes me wonder what I've done to deserve such great treatment from life. God has given me the world, and more. I mean, I'm 19 years old, I'm starting my third year of college, I've been dating the greatest, most beautiful, intelligent, independent, and caring girl I've ever met, who I "loved" at first sight for three quarters of a year, I'm going to a school that I wanted to attend since I was eight years old and even more so when I got rejected from two years ago, I've got a great running car, I'm barely in debt from college, I've got a loving family...and I'm going to complain because something is changing? I'm a fucking moron.

I guess I'm just really scared that I'm going to screw something up and lose everything that is so beautiful to me.

This has been mostly a week of soving problems about transportation.
Number One Son is still quite overwhelmed with starting college. He's in the midst of trying to decide which classes to keep and drop, getting a job for his work/study award and finding the building where he can purchase a year round city bus pass

Me: Did you try the red brick building son?

*long pause*

Number One Son *rolling his eyes and a crooked grin: Not funny at all Mom!

(All of the 30-40 buildings on campus are red brick;)

He got his bus pass today and was interviewed and hired at the library. One of the university's Vice Presidents asked him the other day how it was going, he said it was boring. I encouraged him to do some socialising in between classes, go to the rec center and work out. Take a break. It'll all get sorted out soon. I still wonder if having him stay on campus would be better so he'd be more involved and make friends sooner.

Number Two Son....has missed the bus 4 out of the last six days. Now some confusion and missing the bus is understandable and I was curious as to why. His answer was that he didn't know what time the bus left. I was concerned that he might be having problems with stuff going on at the bus stop or on the bus, however he assured me things were fine. His mission today, should he decide to accept it and ever be able to use the computer again, is to come home with a bus schedule.

It's been streesful for me the kind where muscles ache, sleep is elusive, and I'm hungry but can't eat.

The father instantly replied, "I do believe, but help me not to doubt!"
- Mark 9:24 (NLT)


Today is Techno Thursday.

I went to bed super early last night. I tried to watch the "Survivor Reunion", but I just couldn't stay awake. I went to bed at 10:15, and fell asleep right away. I didn't wake up again until about 8:30 this morning. I got up and attempted to get my ass in gear. It didn't work. I sat on the couch and read the paper, then channel surfed until I realized it was 11:30. So, I did some dishes and cleaned up in the kitchen. I'm waiting for the dishes to dry so I can put them away and do the rest. I'll go to the post office later to get my mail and some potato salad for dinner.

I put on techno CD's to get my ass in gear and get some work done. Seems to be working. I am declaring today to be Techno Thursday. Does anyone call this club music techno anymore, or am I just old? Not all of it was really club music though, or at least I don't think of The Prodigy as club music. I guess it is though. I don't know. I'm lumping it into my Techno Thursday. Anyone remember the "Smack My Bitch Up" controversy?

I'm going to dinner at my dad's house tonight with Alex (my boyfriend). So, I'm bringing the potato salad I'm going to go buy when I get my mail. Going to dinner shouldn't be too horrible since relations with my parents are at an all time high right now. I can't believe how well I get along with my family when they treat me like an adult. I guess I should have tried acting like an adult a few years ago. :)

This virus I picked up seems to be exiting my system slowly. My throat doesn't hurt today, which is good. I'm still a little stuffed up, which sucks. I figure as long as I keep drinking lots of water, it will flush itself out I won't end up with a sinus infection.

Nothing much to report. It still feels weird not having a job. But, I'm still glad I quit.

Nodes That I Wrote Today:
why don't you do drugs?

CD’s I’ve Listened To Today:
The Prodigy - Fat of the Land
2 techno compilations that came with Revolution magazine

Today’s Horoscope on my Calendar - Feeling hesitant about making big moves? Trust your intuition. Scale back business plans and work efforts. Complete what you've started, but don't launch new activities. Be a culinary wizard under tonight's Cancer Moon.

Culinary wizards go to Albertson's deli to get potato salad when faced with the concept of cooking.

No storm to hit Florida. This is a good thing. I wasn't there for the last one, but my parents got hit pretty hard. Where I was living actually felt a lot of the effects. I felt a lot of the effects. I wasn't talking to my family at the time, and with the storm, a lot of friendships were washed away as well. I stopped calling. I hadn't given any of them my number because I needed to close a chapter. Emails on both sides were not answered.

I came back home in December of last year, to see where everyone stood, family and friends both. My mom had cancer to deal with, so any old pains were put aside as I sat with her in the hospital. Family works like that. You may never get along with them, but there's a real chance that's the one group of people you have to fall back on. There's also a chance they will dissappoint you the most, but thems the odds. I think it's because we all pulled together that my mom made it through that. She apologized for the things that had passed in the recovery room. She turned around and blamed it all on me again two months later. Hey, at least I did what I knew was right by being there when she needed me the most. The rest weighs on her.

I dropped off a CD and a bottle of Appleton at one friend's house with a birthday card, saying how I hoped he was doing well. A bottle of Jack at one doorstep, Peach Schnapps and Vodka at my old residence. I know they're all still there, but things have changed and we're both long gone. It was meant to play out that way. I love you, if you can hear me.

I hate hurricanes. I can appreciate how the cicadas shut up as they approach, the luminescent purple clouds as they roll in. I love some good old thunder as the heavens just rip open. But it's not worth it. I can't forgive these big storms. I feel as if they stole something fragile from me, washing it out it out into the sea and drowning it.

This morning I passed an opera singer as I walked my dogs through the park. Full tones of musical expressioin floated through the trees. And I noticed how much that is missing in america. People don't sing sor pleasure here. They sing on stage, and, every now and then, quietly to themselves, but it is so rare to hear people just being musical to be musical. And, I think that is very sad. I imagine that even in the days of american slaves working the cotton fields they must have found some small joy in singing as they worked.

As the afternoon moved on I started reading "The Tipping Point" by Gladwell, a book about how ideas can become infectious. And, I wondered, "If I could make an idea infectious, what would it be?" But I had no answer. If I were took expend the energy to make something really happen I would want it to be something really worthwile, something really good. But, I can't think of anything right now that I would enjoy devoting that much of myself to. And, that too is sad, because I used to be filled with so many worthwile dreams and desires.

This evening I did a very odd thing. I turned on the TV for no apparent reason. As I flipped through channels I passed one of, if not the, largest New Hampshire channel, and heard a name I haven't heard in about twelve years, Eric Shiner. He was the drummer in an old band I was in. I thought, "Did she really say that? A report by Eric Shiner? Is it him?" I could totally see him going into newscasting. So, I waited through the ad and through a report on NH politics, until I heard his voice and knew instantly it was him. Memories of a basement plastered with Monkeys posters and stuff that was only technocally music emanating from one of the crappiest garage bands under the sun.

I wonder if I'll ever see him again. That was a lifetime ago...

<<   {hojita} Day Log Navigation   >>

Things that made me *smile* today (in no particular order): managing to install and set up openBSD on my dinky secondary computer despite having no clue what I was doing; the peaceful, relaxing breeze that made band practice a gajillion times more enjoyable; remembering to call sister #2 for her birthday despite having forgotten sister #1 three days previous; having no classes tommorrow; talking to good friends on IM.

I'm deeply affected by the way people act towards me. I have an ongoing debate with myself whether this is just because I care a lot about my friends, because I have a lot of empathy, or becuase I just have so little self esteem that the way people act towards me can greatly influence my mood. When people smile at me, give me a friendly touch on the shoulder, compliment me, or even exchange a backrub, it can put me in an incredible mood for the rest of the day. Something about any of those exchanges between people is almost blissful for me. It makes me feel more alive, more like an individual, like I'm cared about.

I wish I could give some of that feeling back. I have friends who just being around them gives me a sense of peace inside. Whatever troubles I have are OK. Whatever problems I have don't matter. Whatever is worrying me can be talked about. I can just be, and it doesn't matter. These people can smile at me and my day can be brightened immediately. I wish I could give that back.

It's not that I mean this in any sort of romantic sense, or that this is something that I feel only about people I have some sort of crush on, but more for any of my exceptionally close friends who I care about. I've seemed to have picked up a lot more of these friends since highschool. Maybe highschool isn't the place for a lot of close friendships. Not that I didn't have any, but I think I have more now. *smile*

What can I give to these people whose very presence lifts whatever burden my life holds? I don't believe myself to be a negative influence in these people's lives, but I wish I could be the same sort of positive influence that they have on me, naturally. At best now, all I can give back is some reciprocal kindness, definitely motivated by caring and not by obligation, but even that seems empty compared to the joy that the mere presence of these people bring to me. If I could be anything in life, that would probably be it. Just to be that kind of person to the people around me. To be somebody who makes other people feel peaceful, and happy, and just by being there make their lives easier as well.
there are little soldiers marching up and down my arms:
I’m shivering and I’m not sure why; coldness or anticipation are my usual reasons, but I have no basis for feeling either.

today was strange, exhausting and marked by an invalidated sense of uneasiness. I’ve been having disturbing dreams. not nightmares, because I never have those; but dreams of irritation and discontentment. In my dream last night I accidentally aggravated a moth, which was kept from flying to attack me so long as I kept my stare on it.

I’m listening to crowded house – distant sun. it makes me feel better. I cried so much when neil finn played that to me live last year. it makes me feel better that I don’t cry anymore.

I’m not so competent at the bit after I realize that I am happy. I have to always spoil it by getting annoyed or tired or lonely.

Everything seems to be moving. There were parachutists scattered throughout the sky as if a big wind had blown them, bright seeds, from a gigantic tree. "You know, when something is that big, you can't see anything at all.."

Lblack is gone, on to adventures and away from E2 for a while. Mike calls to tell me he's leaving tomorrow for Boston, and Albuquerque, and Vegas, and LA. Ginny's packing, and everything is scattered throughout the house. Miana's on her way back to Ithaca and has taken my car for the semester, on the condition that she doesn't cover it with butterfly and Dave Matthews stickers. I've only thought about packing, and my room has assumed that falling-apart feeling.

Kelly doesn't have a place to go. My plans are off-the-cuff and tentative. I watched a movie tonight that makes me cry every time, and i am not a crier. Look, i say, it's Willa! and that's me! It is a very sad movie. It's probably better to get up and go then to stay and be defeated.

I would like to be able to move on momentum, but i have been a mossy rock without knowing it for too long.

Until the moss had reached their lips
And covered up their names

Someone with a good eye for color molded those clouds into a masterwork, but no one is looking. I'm looking.

Here's a little something I captured out of the Chatterbox last year. I found it on my hard drive (the file was dated 8/24/2000), and I thought you might enjoy it.
This is not a daylog.

<sensei> Oh oh. dbrown is in town. We might go down. Don't let us go down, dbrown.
<sensei> So, I gather not so much.
<Ground Control> Let's go for a night on the town in an evening gown, dbrown
<me> . o O ( Sensei = Dr Seuss? )
<sensei> dbrown, dbrown. Such a nice sound.
<Gorgonzola> Will we go down from a server crash? Will we go down from corned beef hash?
<sensei> It makes me feel round to say "dbrown".
<sensei> You know what I've found about Mr. dbrown?
<sensei> When he is around, the server goes down.
<Gorgonzola> Will we get a new perlfu script? Will the big red switch be flipped?
<sensei> Under the mound is where we'll be found until the server goes up again, thanks to dbrown.
<ailie> not for me! i sent dbrown cookies in exchange for a promise that e2 would never be down. MUAHAHAHAHHA!
<sensei> Ah! It is because of ailie that we are here daily!
<sensei> I thought it was nate who controlled our fate.
<ailie> i sent nate cookies too.
<dem bones> CHECK.
<simonc> A host is a host from coast to coast, and no one will talk to a host that's close, Unless the host (that isn't close), is busy, hung or dead. - RFC 1127 "A Perspective on the Host Requirements RFCs"
<Gorgonzola> If it's truly nate who controls our fate, then it's not too late to be EDB bait!
<sensei> POOF
briiiiian want cookie
<baffo> Methinks the collective mind has taken a dip into methanol.
If a guy hits on you, and you totally miss it, and even though you like him alot, you simply don't realize he is all up in your shit cause you are like me, and not in tune with body language, and then after you click with his best friend and spend all evening on the couch molesting each other someone tells you that the 1st guy relly likes you and is upset now, and you liked the first guy to begin with. And now you like both of them, and they both want you, which one do persue you without hurting anyone's feelings?

This sounds like a 90210 riddle, doesn't it?

By way of an answer, let me regale you with a story from my own youth, back in the 1900s.

One of my close friends dated this girl for something like two months. They broke up, but stayed friends.

She became interested in me. My friend claimed that he and she were only friends and nothing more, so I figured it would be all right if she and I dated.

After we were firmly established as boyfriend-girlfriend, it became apparent that my friend was still carrying a major torch for this girl. He sank into a deep, bitter, angry depression. Ultimately it destroyed our friendship and rendered much of my relationship with this girl crazy and bad.

I learned two lessons from this:

  1. Never date a friend's ex unless you're willing to lose that friend.
  2. Any love triangle will always involve hurt feelings. Either don't get involved, or resolve that you're going to deal with whatever negative consequences arise from the relationship.

May you escape the hell I went through.

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