August 27, 2002

1. "Remains" (ie. "barely identifiable corpse")

2. "sales decline"

3. "airport screening raise rates"

4. "sin tax"

5. "divorce law"

6. "bombing suspect"

7. "Iraq action" (ie. "WAR")

8. "killing of police"

9. "cuts" (ie. "people getting fired")

10. " refugees"

11. "Millions behind bars"

Negative/postive stories ratio = 14/5

Source: Today's Salon.com

Well, I've sold my house and moved from Baltimore to Washington, DC. I've moved from a five bedroom rowhouse with kids and dog and four cats and yard and trees and two cars (both art cars) to a studio with a dog and two cats.

My son John leaves for Frostburg State College soon and I am sad and happy. My son Brad is now living with my mom, and he is struggling with everything, I think, the move to her house, still not quite over the Army kicking him out, and school (although he is doing well in that area). He is a very troubled person with some basic deep issues that will take him years to overcome.

Anyway - I am feeling very down, very sad about these changes in my life. I am feeling afraid about living on my own - happy about it in one way, scared and sad about it in another way, feeling very lonely in a way. Still sorting through these feelings and wishing they didn't exist.

It's wierd, because I know they have to do some growing up and separation stuff, and so do I - and at the same time, I can't help but worry whether or not they will do what they need to do. I feel like crying. I feel lost without them in my house, getting on my nerves, making a mess. I miss my children, I miss living in my house with them. I feel sad. I was so blessed and so lucky to have such wonderful children in my life and now they and I have moved on to another phase. It feels very strange and odd. I feel alone and disconnected from them.

I have something of an issue with the Day Log. It seems to me that in a database, personal diaries are silly and extraneous material. In the few short weeks that I've been writing on e2, I've considered writing something in the Day Log almost everyday - you see, I've had a pretty exciting last few weeks. One way that I thought up to get around the discrepancy was just to put personal info on my home node, and then the people who cared could read it at their leisure. The problem with that idea is that I want to introduce myself to the e2 crowd who wouldn't think to look at my home node, and somehow entice them to check me out in the future. That's what I'm doing here now: this is a sort of introduction to me and what's going on here today, but after this no more day logs. Visit me at the home if you want any more info.

Today I started my TA job at school. I'm running three discussion sections in intermediate algebra, and only about one student from each section told me that they were too smart for that class. After the first two, I had a break for an hour and decided to spend that time checking my email and buying the books for the three classes I'm taking: Complex Analysis, Error-Correcting Codes, and Abstract Algebra. Altogether my materials were almost exactly $300. My email wasn't all that interesting. I need to buy some new tires following a little nail incident in the rear driver's side, and I've been trying to get my mom and step-dad to add me to their Sam's Club membership. My step-dad sent me some mail informing me that he'd be stopping at the store on his drive home from work to work that all out for me. I now check my email about 20 times a day just to see if I have anything from one individual in particular, and he had sent me nothing. Because I can't seem to go 2 minutes in a row without thinking about him, I decided to send him something, and then I headed out to my third and final discussion for the day.

Upon returning home I started up the computer and almost instantly received an instant message from Mr. Wonderful. We only talked for a few minutes, but it was enough of a fix for me to manage to live a normal life for the next few hours. That is, I went to take a nap for a few hours so I could dream of the next time I'd see him.

I feel like something of a moron for falling head over heals for a guy who lives 800 miles away, but I couldn't help it. We met because we're so much alike, and the similarities never cease to amaze me: we have matching tattoos, we have matching piercings, we both love math, we both have below average basal body temperatures, we both love bluegrass and ska... I could go on, but it's all sappy bullshit and you get the picture. We recently ended a 2.5 week stint where we spent 24 hours a day together, and I can't wait until the next time we meet: Friday at approximately 8:30pm somewhere in the middle of Kentucky. A long weekend in the close quarters provided by a two-person tent.

I can't wait for Friday to roll around. It seems that the rest of my week is dragging by. I can't think of an increment of time any slower than the one I spend alone waiting in anticipation. Even with others, I wait for them to ask what I'm doing for the weekend, or if I'm still smitten with the boy, just so I have the chance to talk about him again - to get giddy and glowy and to show everyone how happy I am. I sit online for hours waiting for him to sign on, sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring.

For now all I can do is think of a forum (any forum) where I can release a little of my tension. To say or to write about how I feel now does nothing but make me feel it even stronger. Perhaps for now I will actually take the time to go replace those tires.