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Why can't I be sensible and go to sleep early?

Last night, I'm sitting in the conservatory at the back of the house - it's all spick-and-span now, thanks to the efforts of the wonderful delfick - nodelling away, I've watched the customary hour of Frasier, it's getting late, I've had some late night pita. I should go to bed. It's midnight, or thereabouts.

And I would have done, except I heard what sounded like Late Night Poker coming from the living room. Naturally, I had to watch it. Who wouldn't? And who could be strong enough of fibre and will-power to leave when the master reader Dave Colclough is battling for a place in the final?

Not me, that's for sure. So, I didn't sleep till 3 a.m. Which meant missing the early bus, which meant being late for my meeting, although this didn't stop me from turning on the George Costanza meeting wit. I expect I was over-compensating.

And, of course, I'm even more tired than I was yesterday, so I'm at the vending machines all day, sucking up the coffee pipes, smoking two at a time, but not before 1 o'clock (day 56, and I'm beginning to wonder what the next stage of NIRP should comprise...), happy not to have any meetings in those small rooms where you just know they're deliberately raising the ambient temperature to your specific sleep capacity. (My propensity for sleep at any time: I once fell asleep during my work experience. I was in a meeting with only one other person at the time.)

I'll be tired all week, I'll go out friday, shimmy the night away, and sleep the clock around.

I can't help it, I just love being awake when no-one else is. I like staying up all night sometimes, just to be around when it's suddenly light again, when the sun is back, or getting up early and being the only one doing something. Or staying up late, and doing things most people wouldn't think of pre-dawn, probably just so I can say to myself that I chose to be there doing that, no-one else did. Besides, it doesn't hurt that because no-one else is doing it makes it probably the coolest thing to be doing right then. Anywhere.

You know, smokers metabolise caffeine twice as fast as non-smokers do. I think that justifies buying another coffee. Right now.

So I started this morning with a nice not on my desk from the Trust Department.

I get an error when trying to connect to the Citrix server, and I tried several other terminals and had the same problem. Just wondering if you could take a look at this and get it fixed right away as its important, I have closings I have to do and customers will be upset if I can't get this done.
Sure I'll take a look at it, I have nothing better to do then meet your every whim.

First of all this message was dated at 7:15am, I was told to be here at 8am, which means just under an hour of waiting for me to even get your note.

Second, this is not a 24 hour place of business, its a bank, bank hours are 9am to 5pm, so by getting here at 8am, it gives me an hour to solve all the world's problems before the bank opens. Also I am not on call, so you can just wait.

Thanks for letting me vent, just need to rebuild the local cache of the database, no big problem.

I want my mom, but not the mom I have. I want someone whose wisdom and decisions I trust enough to believe when they tell me I did the right thing, someone innocent of my sins. I want arms to cry in and I want to feel the safety and strength people look for in religion. Cause if I don't cry soon I'm afraid I'll shake apart into little pieces.

It's funny there are some mistakes you just make over and over and forget each time because you can't tell, when it comes down to it, whether you were right or wrong. I promise from now on to stay in my cubicle, in my text editor at my command prompt where there are right answers and it's easy to evaluate whether you've found them. I want to know, does it feel this way every time? Am I just deluding myself into thinking I've dismissed the best thing I ever had? Have I had these same achey thoughts every time I've said goodbye?

The hardest part is waiting to be sure. Wanting to believe that just a little time to clear heads is what's needed and after that you'll both realize where your responsibility is for making shit work how it does in the movies. And knowing that it's not going to end with a fairy tale, but with the same stubborn lonliness you vacationed from.

It's like a chemical addiction. The first few days you quit are the worst. Can't sleep without waking up suddendly thinking oh god, what the fuck did i do? Can't eat because your stomach is twisted all in knots trying to figure out if you're going to be ok. And so forth. The truth about breaking up is a set of merciless laws of sociology that everyone is susceptible to.

And all I want is to cry and never stop.

It is as I suspected: at night, demons walk the Earth in the desert behind my workplace. I have discovered the print of cloven hooves in the dried mud as well as doglike tracks which I take to be their Hounds of Hell.

I have never spied these monsters during the day. Perhaps they fear the sunlight, but more likely it is my purity that keeps them away. If ever my employers seek to dismiss me, I will have to impress upon them how vital my presence is to their safety. They must not be allowed to fire me -- it's for their own protection.

Today was my birthday, so yesterday I baked a cake and
took it to work today.
Ninjapenguin didn't want any. Oh well, I gave out all the slices already anyway.
I think I only got one. Perhaps I'll bake another to make
up for it. (second chance!)

She picked up my DSL modem from the UPS hub. She took me to dinner! She showed me where she works, although we couldn't currently go inside the building. Unfortunately, we really didn't have much time together last night. It was late to begin with (8:30 ish) when she came over, and we both had to wake up early the next morning.

This weekend, though, we will surely have enough time to relax a bit. Movie, dinner, and maybe a walk or two in a park somewhere.

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