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Last night I went to see an exorcist to try to extricate the dark spirit of Friend Behr from my consciousness and my soul. I had to wait in the lobby of an ancient church for almost an hour before a 200-year-old man came out in priest robes and took me inside. It was cold, dark, and wet. Like an old woman's mouth. Inside of her mouth. Climb right in there. See what it is LIKE.

Hi, I am Dr. Peter Swilling, discredited and possessed psychiatrist. Please call me. We'll have coffee. Appointment.

I am not allowed to discuss what happened inside the exorcism chamber, but when I emerged, I had burn marks all over my arms and legs from the many, many cigarettes the priest put out on me while cackling. He also took one of my balls. Cut it right out of the scrotum. And then ate it. To show me he is serious. About exorcisms.

He says it may take up to seventy-two hours before I know if the exorcism took. I will have this cult leader of everything2.com cult out of my body soon. SOON. SOON.

I have hope.

Medically yours,

Dr. Peter Swilling

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