Autofellatio is the name given to the art of sucking your own cock. This can only be performed by the very flexible and extremely lucky individual.

I first heard about this in Secondary School. That's High School for you Yanks. It started like an urban myth. I mean was it really possible? Of course we wouldn't admit to each other that we'd gone home that night to attempt it, and all failed miserably. I for one couldn't get near the thing. One of my mates has sinced admitted he got to touch it with his tongue. Man that's gross!

The technique advocated was the "walking down the wall" one. You got naked, or if you were worried about your parents coming in, just unzipped your flies and laid on your bed, your head nearest the wall, your feet furthest away from it. You then brought your feet over your head and placed them on the wall, then slowly walked down bringing the offending object towards your mouth.

One myth that started up at this point, was that someone had attempted this and succeeded, unfortunately they had then broken their neck and died. Their mum then walked into the room some time later to be confronted with this horrific scene.

This myth goes along the same lines as the kid who came home from school, and was laying on their bed with their headphones on listening to some loud music. They then decided to crack one off, and closed their eyes to fantasize about whatever. When they next opened their eyes their dinner was next to them on a tray. Isn't that nice? Mummy didn't even disturb them.

Oh God I've ruined my life!

<-- Edited typos and grammar errors May 2008 as noder had been gone 4.9 years - XWiz -->
Noder's Note: There are some comments under go blow yourself that pertain to this subject rather than the phrase “go blow yourself”. Anyway, onward to the node:

Autofellatio, that is to say, the act of performing fellatio upon yourself. This isn’t as good as you would think, but I’ll get to that later.

Before we go any further, let me disclaim myself and E2 for any hard-to-explain-to-parents/SO strain injuries that you may suffer while undertaking this. Never do this without a proper warm up, and never do this in the morning because your muscles, ligaments, etc. won’t be ready.

Somewhere on E2, I read that apparently 50% of men can do this. The best way to find out without going straight in to it is to kneel with your legs apart. If you can touch your forehead to the ground between your knees, or closer to your body still, you have a good chance of success. Your penis size makes little difference, so if you are around average size you should be okay.

There are several positions in which you can do this, but most of them involve super-human contortions possible only for dedicated Yogi’s. I can only tell you how to do the easiest one [ Do I look like a dedicated Yogi?] . This is what one might call “the upsidedown kneeling clamp position”. To do this, best done completely naked for manuverability, lie on your back and fold your legs up onto your chest. Then tip forward your head and let your knees go either side of your head. To make your job that much easier, you may lift your hips and support them with your hands. With any luck this will put your genitals right where you want them.

Now here is the kicker: Autofellatio isn’t as good as you thought it would be, is it? The bizarre position you are in restricts the vast amount of fellatio techniques E2 has put at your disposal. And if you do manage to have an orgasm while in this position, the muscles which cause ejaculation [ Unless you are a male multiple orgasmer too...] usually cramp uncomfortably [ Not, however, excruciatingly ]. It must be said that if your tastes run to anal stimulation, the combination of the two should be quite interesting...

Anyway, even if autofellatio isn’t going to revolutionize your solo-sex life you should try it. It is quite an experience. Now, if anyone I know finds E2, I am utterly screwed

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