Is another "mommy porn" novel, this time written by former Twilight ripper-offer Sylvia Day. I was recommended it because my local WH Smiths had a poster up of it saying that if I liked Fifty Shades of Grey, I'd lust after this.

From that moment onwards, I knew it was my destiny to return to that branch of Smith's after work and hide in the corner reading it and trying not to harvest too many dirty looks from staffers as I sniggered into the pages and shouted out invective at it. Because there was no way I was going to actually buy the wee bastard. And this writeup is the result.

Executive Summary

Relationships based entirely on sex are really, really, boring.

A bit more detail, if you wouldn't mind?

Eva Trammell is the name of our protagonist. I don't know what she looks like, what she works as, or anything about her as a person but I do know that she's got a lady garden that twitches and drools like an epileptic on speed. Usually at the protagonist, the late-twenties billionaire Gideon Cross. He has a sexy voice and long fingers and a hard body. Upon meeting him, she spends about three pages describing him and how she wants to have a "sheet-clawing fuck" with him. At the very same time, every kitten within five miles of New York, where the novel is set, turned into a pillar of salt.

Needless to say, she has no characterisation whatsoever and from the moment she runs into him (literally) in the lobby of the CrossFire building where she works (and he owns), and admires him all over, feels her clit start throbbing (natch), they keep running into each other again. And again. And again. Then he makes the first move by asking to fuck her. In those words. She balks at this initially because she doesn't want to be seen as just a "vagina with legs," yet the reader has no reason to think of her as anything but. All she does is go on about how Gideon makes her let loose her juices on an unprecedented scale. And describes what everyone's wearing.

Of course, there are no ugly or old people in this novel as that would ruin the mood. I've been to New York. It was not a munter free zone by any stretch of the imagination.

Naturally, Eva's attraction to Gideon is not diminished by his colossal net worth. Or by the fact he owns a Bentley SUV. I screamed with rage upon reading this, because firstly, the real life upper crust do not go in for such disgusting and vulgar footballer's cars, and secondly, Bentley SUVs do not exist. Not until 2015 at least (that's the sound of every rapper ever spunking themselves, by the way.) Or by the fact that he has a ginormous... character. Actually, that's a lie. The only thing bigger than his net worth (he's 29 by the way, yet a self made man worth over nine figures, which makes no sense whatsoever) is, of course, his manhood.

Cue the first sex scene. Eva gasps at him "You're so big!" and he, of course, gasps back "You're so tight!" This is after he's stoked her fire with something described as "decadent licking." At this point I had visions of Oscar Wilde eating an ice cream. Also, his penis has a "crown." This is another image I couldn't get out of my head that led to intense cackling.

These antics carry on for some time. Needless to say, whenever he so much looks at her, sorry, impales her with his sharp, hard eyes, she can't help but wish for him to impale her with his purple-headed yoghurt warrior, or as she puts it, to "stroke pleasure through {her} melting core." Much stock is made out of how he's all ropy with muscle and has hair just long enough to be a bad boy but still conservative and how he dresses well. She also gets loads of descriptions of her clothing. Both of them have no discernible personality, though. Because who needs personality when you own Manhattan skyscrapers and have a knob roughly the same size. Similarly, who needs personality when you are the kept woman of such a person.

The prose is very annoying beyond belief. Every single page contains Eva describing him. Every. Single. Page. Even the ones where they aren't busy boning. She's imagining him doing things to her. Constantly. In fact, although she allegedly works at an ad agency, eats, goes to the gym after work, and has a rich divorced gold digger of a mother, we don't know anything about her as a character. Other than her propensity for imagining Gideon's long fingers (anyone else thinking of ET here?) crawling all over her skin.

But she's not just a vagina with legs, oh no. She's... Gideon's vagina with legs!

While we're on the subject, let's have another hilarious and wacky quote from one of the book's many naughty bits:

"I gripped his straining thighs in both hands, frantically working my lips and tongue, desperate for his climax. His balls were heavy and big, an audacious display of his powerful virility. I cupped them, rolling them gently, feeling them tighten and draw up. "Ah, Eva." His voice was a guttural rasp. His grip tightened in my hair. "You’re making me come."

And now, let's talk about child abuse.

Your reaction to reading that sentence was probably the same as mine upon the shocking swerve that both Gideon and Eva were abused as children. Because apparently this allows Sylvia Day, the author, to tick the boxes labelled "character development" and "tackles hard hitting issues." The rest of the novel, in between purple-prosed sex scenes, serves as a ham-fisted exploration of whether two folks with abusive parents can have a meaningful relationship. Indeed, this is listed on the back of the book as a selling point, but while it would make an interesting novel in and of itself, here, it just seems like pandering and a pointless effort to try and doff its porno novel status.

Also, let's be frank, abusive parents as a backstory are as old as the hills. Nice going, Sylvia, you lazy fuck. Especially considering the revelation that both Gideon and Eva were abused as children crops up two thirds of the way through the novel with no real indication of it beforehand or anything. I rather suspect that this little development originated in the author's lower intestine. Also, once the novel is over, after you've sighed in relief, you are then confronted with one of those odious suggested questions for reading groups lists which just screams "pretention" from every pore. A lot of it centres on this abuse-related shocking swerve. Yeah. Sylvia, you lazy fuck. Try to be original for once in your hacky life, rather than just ripping off Fifty Shades of Grey of which this is a shameless carbon copy.

And it's not the first time that the author's jumped onto a bandwagon of what's selling. Previous novels by her include several rip-offs of Twilight.

There is the promise, or threat, of a sequel, called Deeper in You Reflected in You, coming 2013 October 2012 (the publisher reckoned the original title was too obvious.) I dread to think how this is so considering how Gideon's so big and Eva's so tight, but needless to say, we'll find out. (Kill me now.) But anyhow. That's Bared to You. The only person who's bared to anyone by this crock of rancid shite is the Emperor, who is quite naked.