Why is it that
baseball players are attracted to the
mullet? Perhaps it is because
baseball as a
sport attracts
white trash. Perhaps it is
genetic cross-breeding with
hockey players with
hockey hair. Or perhaps baseball players think that
looking bad helps you play well (i.e.,
Babe Ruth).
In any case, here is the mullet list. We'll begin with recent players, then go back through history. Without further ado:
- Randy Johnson, Montreal Expos/Seattle Mariners/Houston Astros/Arizona Diamondbacks/New York Yankees
The king. A wild mane of unkempt hair, an acne-scarred face, a large nose, a strange moustache. This dirty blonde's six-inch-long excess flaps like the sail of a jibing sailboat when the Big Unit hurls a 90-mph-slider. Johnson's pitches cause strike outs, but his hair is a home run.
Photo! http://www.geocities.com/let_oslo/bart5.jpg
- Mike Piazza, Los Angeles Dodgers/Florida Marlins/New York Mets/San Diego Padres/Oakland Athletics
A furry mullet. This strongman is never fluff enough when he swings from the heels. If you look closely, in big games the mullet grows like The Blob. Beware of the Piazza Mullet.
Photo! http://www.geocities.com/let_oslo/bart2.jpg
6/28/2001 update! Mike Piazza has offended the baseball gods by shaving his mullet and dying his hair blonde! He now looks like Zack on Saved by the Bell, if you can imagine Zack with a little brown goatee and about 10 years of weight training. I hope this is just a phase for Piazza; he really looks like a dork.
- Mark McGwire, Oakland Athletics/St. Louis Cardinals
It was a sad day when this slugger shaved his permmullet. Before joining the St. Louis Cardinals, Big Mac had big hair — a blonde, jerri-curled-permmed-cascade down the back of his batting helmet. They looked like ribbons hanging from a Christmas Tree. Joined with teamamte Matt Stairs to form the Massive Mulleted Men, the bane of AL pitchers from 1996-1997.
- Rod Beck, San Francisco Giants/Chicago Cubs/Boston Red Sox/San Diego Padres
A totally flaming mullet. His straight, split-ended hair exploded out from underneath his baseball cap. I gather Medusa looked somewhat like this. Beck (and his mullet) died unexpectedly in 2007.
Photo! http://www.geocities.com/let_oslo/bart3.jpg
- Dennis Eckersley, Cubs/A's/Red Sox
A case where the mullet and the pitching windup were in perfect harmony. The hair was massive but not overbearing, and Eck's cyclical wheelhouse motion complemented the curvature of the mullet. A badass, but lookin' good.
- Vinny Castilla, Colorado Rockies/Tampa Bay Devil Rays/Atlanta Braves/Washington Nationals
The altitude was high, but the hair was low for this third baseman. Wisps of black hair pointed to the base of the neck in a violation of physics. But what did Castilla care? He jacked homers like he jacked fashion sense.
- Danny Graves, Cincinnati Reds/New York Mets
He's a mullethead with a fan club — early in the 2002 season, a Reds fan came to Cinergy Field with a cardboard sign reading, "Go Danny Graves! Fear the Mullet!" Oh, we'll fear it baby.
Photo: http://espn.go.com/i/mlb/profiles/players/5649.jpg
- Rafael Palmiero, Texas Rangers/Chicago Cubs/Baltimore Orioles
This mullethead is so groovy he won a Gold Glove as a designated hitter. A Fro-mullet so soft you can sleep a baby in it, this dude hits line drives so mean you pity the poor second baseman who has to field Raffy's wicked pulled shots.
- Brian Weber, Anaheim Angels
I'd never heard of this guy, but I'm watching him on television now. This relief pitcher has a sick mullet. Weber could easily play a distant cousin on Eight is Enough. But then he shaved it ... boo.
- Gary Gaetti, Minnesota Twins/Cardinals/Cubs
A Bible-thumping mullet. This evangelical third baseman "knew" how to spread his hair across the four corners of the Earth. Thanks to a grandfather clause, Gaetti was the last player to not have to wear earflaps on his helmet. Blessed is the hair, for we can see it better that way!
- The Entire Philadelphia Phillies Roster of 1993
Oh where do we begin? John Kruk. Darren Daulton. Curt Schilling. Lenny Dykstra. Pete Incaviglia. Mitch Williams. Dave Hollins. Mickey Morandini. This team was incomparable. (Extra points to Dykstra for breaking his collarbone every three weeks. Extra-extra points to Kruk for telling a fan, "Ma'am, I'm not an athlete, I'm a ballplayer.")
Thanks to BrooksMarlin for reminding me about Morandini. Moreover, Morandini later went to the Chicago Cubs, so he and Gaetti had a little mullet party going on there too. Here's a photo of Morandini — http://sportsmed.starwave.com/i/mlb/profiles/players/4556.jpg — looks scary, don't he?
- Tony La Russa and Matt Stairs, A's/Cardinals
When McGwire and Eck sported their monsters, these two were right behind him. Coach La Russa and 1B/DH Stairs came in with their own beauties, with Stairs opting for the McGwire style and La Russa fashioning his after Eck. (Note: Teammate Jason Giambi also tried to grow one, but it was pretty lame.)
- Mitch Williams, Paul Assenmacher and Les Lancaster, Cubs
These three relief pitchers with beastly tufts of hair sprouting from their caps threw strikes and took names as the Cubs won the NL East in 1989. But they lost in the NLCS, and "Wild Thing" Williams gave up a World-Series-ending homer to Joe Carter in 1993. Ah, the life of a mullet head is sorrowful.
- Dan Gladden, Detroit Tigers/Minnesota Twins
This left fielder looked like he never washed his hair. Dirty bleached blonde, diving on the astroturf, scowling at the plexiglass, this man's style said, "Don't mess with the Twinkies!"
- Juan Samuel, Phillies
Last of a vanishing breed — the Dripping-Oil-Jerri-Curl-Mullet. This power-hitting speedster was a threat to turn the batter's box into mud. No wonder he never took a pitch.