Bathing cats in the toilet

This is such a great method--it keeps your cats clean, for one thing. Plus, it's the worst thing you can do to them, so it works great to both punish the cat and relieve your own personal tensions.

The rules are simple:
1. Put a little shampoo in the toilet.
2. Put the cat in the toilet and shut the lid. The cat will suds itself up nicely, but you may have to sit on the lid. I do.
3. Flush the toilet until the cat is soap-free.

Your cats won't like you for this, but they'll forgive you eventually. And they come out sparkling clean.

No. Do not do this.

Me being lazy and my cat being dirty, I decided to give this a go. After the third flush I opened the lid to see if my cat was clean, only to find that she wasn't there. After panicking for a while, I looked again and she still wasn't there. I opened the sewage pipes outside to see if she was stuck, but no. Later that day I put in a call to Werribee Sewage Farm ("Fresh sewage 'cause we grow our own") and yes, they had filtered out a very irate cat of the same dimensions and colour as the one I described. I explained to them that, no, the cat wasn't an unwanted Christmas gift and, yes, I did want her back. If anything, she was even dirtier than when I put her through the cleaning process.

Remember: Flushing the toilet is to get rid of things. Don't put things you want to keep in the toilet bowl.