(This delightful little ditty should be imagined sung in the style of a Lancashire folk song, like Sammy Shuttleworth's Party, or Our Bill and the Concrete Mixer, or maybe even Sarah's Gettin' a Chap. Yano, bloke with accent as thick as a pea soup fog wi' an acoustic guitar up t'Dog & Trumpet, like.)
The benefits of global warming
are very much plain to see.
As long as you stop caterwauling
and start thinking logically.
The greenies' pathetic and boring
crowing cuts no ice with me,
as the benefits of global warming.
are very much plain to see.
Some say sea levels are rising
by up to 30 feet.
Some say the ice caps are dying
and breaking off in sheets.
But don't listen to those carpers
with their doom-laden piss and moan,
Just buy yourself a house on a hill
it'll soon become a beachfront home!
And what about people in Norway?
It's really cold up there!
With a little bit of global warming
the fjords become rivieres.
As temperatures go up to a hundred F
clothing's cast towards the bin.
Scandinavian beauties in the buff
my God, how the money rolls in!
There's a lot of worry that climate change
will cause deserts to expand.
But also the tundra will start to recede
and become a lush, green land.
Siberia goes up in value like a rocket
up and up exponentially.
Thus stimulating the property market
and boosting the economy!
Climate chaos will lead to a rise
in "extreme weather events:"
Things happening when they're not supposed to
and the seasons getting all bent.
But what's wrong with Christmas on the beach
like the Aussies do?
Or skiing in May, in November catching rays
and no more winter flu?
And climate change helps the banks
as the papers print headlines scary.
People then get all terrified
and pray to God, Jesus and Mary.
So then they rush to buy carbon offsets
from former Vice Presidents
Thus making work for City boys
and encouraging investments!
So, then, huzzah for global warming!
Three cheers for climate change!
A toast, my friends, to the Earth's movement
into a higher temperature range!
You ask if global warming is a good thing
I say, you're damned tooting!
So get in your Corvette, fill her up,
get out there and get polluting!
(I was going to submit this to the Wordmongers' Masque: Poets' Ball in 2009 but lost it. It would probably have given me away far too easily anyhow.)
(Node 23 of 30 IRON NODES.)