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I am always trying to capture that moment of panic when adrenaline makes my heart race. I am not interested in death or dismemberment, but I want to feel blood racing through my veins and I want the extreme awareness that comes from fear, anger, competition, passion or any of the other items on the excitement buffet.

I want the rush. I want that tangible physical proof I am alive and vascular. It is the antithesis of intellectual detachment and the antidote to the tranquilizing nature of routine.

I want that intoxicating feeling that is usually associated with NEW . A new car, a new date, a new job - new experiences that force me to concentrate while I grapple with confusion. It is a mixture of loss of control and absolute focus.

I want the window ledge on a windy day. Not so narrow that I cannot sit comfortably, but high enough that the wind whistles. I imagine the sharp curve downhill, the mogul that shoots you LEFT, when you were aiming right, away from the steep incline.

And, mostly, I want this painful anticipation as I walk toward your table. You, looking away now, after smiling at me moments before. Are you being shy now after sending me a message? Coy? Or are you annoyed that I would be so forward to approach you? You, who are adjusting glasses that did not need any help in the previous twenty minutes.

I know what I want-I want you to tilt your head to one side and place your Number 2 in the corner of your smile--- a sign you want some high level flirtation.

I don't want you to squint your eyes and shoo me away like another distraction.

So I approach and wonder. Trying to memorize this delicious heart pounding silence when I don't know. When I am not sure. When I am most alive.

title from life is more true than reason will deceive

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