Big Mouth Billy Bass

Words can not express how totally obnoxious this thing is. One of my co-workers decided to bring his in and show it to everyone. I have heard "Take Me To The River" and "Don't Worry Be Happy" more times than I care to.

There is also another version of the singing bass out there that spews out wisecracks and sings all at once. My boyfriend claims he saw a commercial for it on TV, and I saw an ad for it in the Sunday paper.

According to kbkids.com, there is also a Travis Trout who sings, except he sings "Doo Wah Diddy" and "Rock the Boat". What's next, a singing salmon or swordfish? How about a shark?

Will the madness ever end?

I'm almost certain that this is one of the signs of the Apocalypse, or maybe just the downfall of civilization.

The other wise-cracking fish is the "Funky Boogie Bass", or at least he sings that song: "I use batteries, not gas, I'm the funky boogie bass." Oh, yeah, and the smash hit, "Pretty Fishy" (yup, you guessed it, to the tune of "Pretty Woman").

I recently saw the Billy Bass at...umm...Carolina Pottery or something. I commented to my girlfriend on the type of people who would buy such a thing. When we left we saw the poster child for Poor White Trash buying one, I would guess, as an anniversary present for her lucky hubby.

This has spawned a whole slew of other crappy products. Singing fish skeletons for Halloween, singing Lobsters, singing dolphins, etc. When will it end?

If the idea of a talking, moving swordfish appeals to you, you should check out the wacky movie Loves Serenade.

This thing is terribly annoying and tacky like a lawn gnome. One nice feature, though, I recently discovered is that you can press the button once he's singing to stop him. You can get him to shut up.

However, I did discover something more sinister than most people realize. One annoying little feature of this heathen is that he comes with a built-in motion sensor! That's right! Set him up right and he can turn himself on whenever somebody moves.

Not waving your hand a few inches in front of him.

Not three feet away.

Not from ten feet away.

He will turn himself on if you blink your eyes from across the room. It's that bad. And the red button won't stop him if you've turned on the motion detector. Beware.

I saw one of these for the first time ever at ShopKo last night. They seem rather well designed for a glorified lawn gnome. The thing looks like a fish on a plaque, but when the button is pushed or the sensor tripped, it turns to face you, and sings, perfectly lip synched, "Don't Worry, Be Happy." The box proclaims the use of an exciting new idea called "Synchromotion Technology" One wonders how many diseases could have been eradicated with the brains that created Synchromotion Technology.

Scarier than these robotic singing fish themselves is the list of people who own them. While one might think that the only place these things would be at home is on the wall of a double-wide trailer, this is, sadly, not the case. Inexplicably, they seem to be as popular with world leaders as they are with guys who think "Dogs Playing Poker" is the acme of western art. The list includes not only the obvious (U.S. President George W. Bush), but former U.S. President Bill Clinton, British P.M. Tony Blair, and even H.M. Queen Elizabeth II. A spokesperson has confirmed that the singing fish does indeed adorn the walls of Buckingham Palace. Spokespeople for Tony Blair have also confirmed that he owns one, and the blasted thing was actually spotted hanging on a wall behind Dubya during one of his election campaign press conferences.


This info was gleaned from a CNN article which could be found at http://www.cnn.com/2000/US/12/20/mcdermott.debrief/index.html when this was submitted.

I remember a Slashdot story about someone who modified a Big Mouth Billy Bass so that you could record any sound onto a custom chip and have it say that when it was triggered.

Since this was when these things were being fire sold for less than $10, I seriously considered it. Can you imagine someone walking into your office, having the fish on the wall face them, and say, "Obey me, I am your dark master"?