Bill Brasky

To Bill Brasky! A ten foot tall, two ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!

Bill Brasky is a character to whom several Saturday Night Live skits are devoted. He is a giant mountain of a man who works as a damn good salesman by day and spends his free time doing many a manly thing. His testosterone levels are so high, he makes Charles Bronson look like Richard Simmons. His booming voice is so deep, he makes James Earl Jones sound like a Backstreet Boy. He does not allow society's standards to keep him from his manly pursuits. He does what he wants, to whom he wants, when he wants, because he is...Bill Brasky.

His buddies like to sit around in bars (once, a Little League baseball game and even a Chuck E. Cheese's), drink and reminisce about all the eclectic things Bill Brasky has done in the past. Even though some of those deeds were done to the guys themselves, they have a deep, yet manly, love and respect for the guy because he is everything they wish they could be. While their tall tales sound like yarns spun by a bunch of drunken loons, the resonant voice announcing the arrival of Bill Brasky and the glimpse of his brawny arm in the high up, over the shoulder camera view at the end of the skit lends credence to their claims. The effect is similar to Sauron peering down upon The Last Alliance of Men and Elves in The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.

The following is a list of toasts and boasts made in honor of Bill Brasky:

"Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!"

"Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!"

"Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!"

"One time I was with Brasky in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Brasky goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Bill Brasky! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Billbrasky'... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"

"He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!"

"His poop is used as currency in Argentina."

"He sweats Gatorade"

"He once breast fed a flamingo back to health."

"He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!"

"I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury."

"He sheds his skin once a year."

"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!"

"I once saw him eat a whole live chicken."

"His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson."

"He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."

"Bill Brasky was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!"

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Brasky takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and, sure enough, someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found 'em!'"

"Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with ricotta cheese."

"He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road."

"He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child."

"They found $60 in change in his stomach."

"He did all the makeup on The Planet of the Apes movie."

"He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault."

"Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'"

"They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Brasky talk in his sleep."

"He date raped David Bowie."

"He once inhaled a seagull."

"The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress."

"It was the sight of Brasky's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane."

"He once had sex with a cigarette machine."

"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."

"He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel."

"He once ate the Bible while water skiing."

"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."

"He sired a baseball team.. an orchestra if you count the bastards!"

"You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!"

"He has dandruff the size of mice!"

"He jogged with a fridge on his back!"

"Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!"

"His first name is Bill! ....... I'm drunk."

"He's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi."

"He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wesson."

"He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives...except Fleagle."

"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."

"Brasky once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart."

"He has a toenail on the end of his penis."

"Brasky once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms."

"Brasky's family crest is a picture of a baracuda eating Neil Armstrong."

"Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Poll."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of The King and I? On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews."

"He breastfeeds John Madden."

"Brasky named the group Sha Na Na. They did NOT want to be called that."

"If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'"

"They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium."

"Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels."

"All the Yes album covers are Brasky family photos."

"He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom."

"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would've happened sometime."

"Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from Terminator 2"

"Brasky still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films."

"He thinks that Iron Man is gay."

"He framed Roger Rabbit."

"The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men."

"He gave a handjob to a manta ray."

"He uses Old Spice aftershave as nasal spray."

"He fashions graven images from frozen seawater."

"He brushes his teeth with a meat cleaver and rock salt."

"This one time, Brasky burned a CD with nothing but the sounds of his bowel movements and the screams of his manservants. It went triple platinum within the month."

"He owns the PAX network."

"He thought The Princess Diaries was both charming and sweet depiction of one girl's emergence from youth into womanhood."

"He made Styx BITE IT!"

"They say he bleeds peppermint vodka."

"Did I ever tell ya about the time that Brasky and I took a hot air balloon trip over Los Angeles? Brasky brings an atomic bomb and drops it on the city! Then, he looks at me and says, "It would have happened sooner or later."

"The movie Deliverance was based on Brasky's experiences as a kindergarden teacher."

"His memoirs are tattooed on Ruth Buzzi."

"He's producing Battlefield Earth 2"

"He recieves radio messages from Mars on his scrotum."

"His big toe is holding up Australia."

"He took The Blair Witch to his senior prom."

"He makes N'Sync keep Chris."

"He invented the Cleveland Steamer."

"Most people don't know this, but Bill Brasky has children! This one time, he was banging a hooker and wouldn't ya know it, his semen shoots straight through her tailbone, up through the ceiling and into the sky where it hit a plane! Nine months later, every woman on that plane had Brasky's children! When they tried to get child support... he paid it every month."

"His pubic hair was woven into the Sri Lankan flag."

"His favorite actor is Greg Kinnear."

"His middle name is Julian."

"He uses live elk for toilet paper."

"His cover version of Limp Bizkit's My Way appeared on the soundtrack for Titanic. The pope himself thought the song crackled with energy but he didn't like the sound of burning preschoolers in the background."

"Did I ever tell you boys about the time that Bill Brasky wanted a World Series ring? Wouldn't ya know it, but Brasky kills the entire starting lineup of the 1998 New York Yankees! All except Clay Bellinger. They beat the Atlanta Braves in four games. Brasky was the MVP."

"He pisses farm fresh orange juice."

"He makes his grandchildren call him "The Anal Astrologist"."

"His favorite contestant on Survivor is Teresa."

---

The Bill Brasky boasts were gleemed from http://planetwill.jt.org/media/characters/brasky.html and http://snlyou.jt.org/archives/01kjackblack/brasky.phtml

Permission to republish has been requested from NBC by dem_bones.

For Fair Use compliance purposes all writeups in this node are considered jointly -GrouchyOldMan.

Bill Brasky once visited the Pope,

OR, how Our Hero's life was saved by a Vicuña
a Tall Tale invented by a maggotty old Cheese, on October 31, 2003, inspired by all the surrounding Catbox Merriment
this Tale has been altered slightly from the comments actually typed in to the Catbox.

Bill Brasky once visited the Pope. The Pope was so impressed with Brasky's hat that he offered to swap hats, but ol'Bill couldn't bear to part with his.

This was the same hat, of course, that had saved Brasky's life after he fell off the cliff in Utah while running from Vinny 'Coffee Bean' Ambrosiano, head of the Salt Lake City crime syndicate.

Three weeks later, as Brasky staggered into a motel on the outskirts of Reno, he jumped into the swimming pool and yelled, "I LOVE THIS HAT!"

Brasky sauntered dripping into the lobby, put a quarter in a nearby slot machine, and won the $500 jackpot. He took the hat off to catch all the coins that were pouring out of the machine, and out fell a half gallon of water and a solid gold Book of Mormon, which he sold to the Christian Scientist Reading Room for $20.

After that, he gathered together some friends and they were off for frisco, but his car broke down in the Donner Pass and they were forced to kill and eat the frat boy. Several truckers offered him a lift, but ol' Brasky was a stickler for tradition and waited until the spareribs were done.

The conductor on the ferry from Oakland tried to make Brasky take his hat off. Brasky told the conductor, "I barely know you!" and tossed him in the bay.

As they pulled up o the Friscoside dock, Brasky leaped off the boat eight feet onto the Embarcadero. His trusty sidekick Hennepin attempted the same feat but missed by several inches. Brasky considered letting him fall, but decided his Workmen's Comp payments would go up too much, and reached out and pulled Hennepin away from a certain mangling.

For about six months, Hennepin worked as longshoreman while Brasky was the fancy man at a whorehouse in the Tenderloin. Then one day Hennepin disappeared, and Brasky was faced with filling out that Workmen's Comp form.

Brasky eventually discovered that Hennepin had been shanghaied onto a whaling ship returning to Nantucket. He hijacked a Vanderbuilt steamboat and set off in pursuit.

He caught up with the whaler just as they were rounding Cape Horn in a storm. Brasky rammed the whaler with his steamboat. Three days later, with all hands lost, Brasky dragged himself onto the Patagonian shoreline.

It took him two weeks to walk to Punta Arenas, having to chase down rheas for food and eggs. After working as a bouncer at a fish auction for six months, he had enough for his steamship ticket to Buenos Aires. By then, he had passable Spanish, and was able to get passage to New York as a tutor/bodyguard to a general's son bound for Princeton.

Brasky had to kill several crewmembers who attempted to compromise the young man's virtue. Their parting at Castle Garden was embarrasingly emotional but one of Barnum's agents spotted Brasky and offered him a ridiculous salary to be a fire eater.

After about six weeks of this humdrum existence, Brasky became restless again and decided to visit his old flame Angelique in Chicago.

On the train, Brasky received a telegram from Miguel back in Princeton, saying that the Provost was making 'googly-eyes' at him.

Brasky was arguing with a ticket-vendor in Altoona, trying to get his ticket changed, when someone tapped him on the shoulder. Brasky wheeled, fists at the ready. But who should it be but old Hennepin, now a vicuña hat milllionaire!

Hennepin sent one of his yes-men to New Jersey to get Miguel straightened out, and they continued on to Chicago where Angelique was delighted to see them both. Less pleased to see them was her husband, a former guanaco hat tycoon fallen on hard times due to the vicuña fad started by Brasky's former sidekick. The guanaco tycoon challenged Hennepin to a duel, but Brasky shot him before the glove hit the ground. They fled to Rome, always one step ahead of the Pinkertons.

Pinkerton himself bribed the head of the carabineri to haul Brasky in on a trumped-up vagrancy charge. But a magnificent vicuña hat arrived at the Lateran Palace one day. It wasn't long before Brasky was standing before Pius X himself, having to kiss the pontiff's ring. It reminded Brasky of Salt Lake City. Then he heard, "Cool hat! Wanna trade?" The Pope wasn't too happy with his refusal, no matter how polite, and so it was steerage back to New York.

A Halloween Brasky Nodermeet

Everything2.com is so übercool that Bill Brasky sometimes comes and parties with us.  Yep, that's right, THE MAN himself swings by on occasion just to catch up on the news, boink a few newbies and warp the fabric of the nodegel.  Turns out Bill Brasky actually wrote the original code for E2 on the back of a napkin when he and Nate were quaffing a few martinis in a lounge at the Holiday Inn in Des Moines...

Anyway, the big fella dropped in last Halloween for a gab session with the Catbox crew that many noders will long remember:

--Note, some names have been changed to protect the innocent

<shyHyena> Bill...Bill...Br... (gurgles as throat is cut from behind)

<Lometa> Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Brasky takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.'

<Lometa> We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em'

<briglass> Bill Brasky was 10 feet tall! No, 12!

<allseeingeye> "He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!"

<allseeingeye> "I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury."

<Bill Brasky> Iron Man is gay.

<allseeingeye> Bill Brasky prefers gin to a glass of LSD!

<Sister Anna Livia> Bill Braskey made me who I am today.

<Sister Anna Livia> And I loved every minute of it.

<allseeingeye> I find the sister very attractive.

<IWhoSawTheFace> ASE it would be good if you could pair-bond with the Nun. (S)he looks like a pity fuck would do h(im)er a world of good.

<Sister Anna Livia> There is no sex after Bill Brasky, IWSTF, believe me.

<allseeingeye> "He once inhaled a seagull."

<ac_hyper> I am dressed as a cool goth kiddie wearing all black. Coworkers do not seem surprised, but I've been told I should wear collars more often. How should I take this?

<allseeingeye> Take it standing, like Bill takes a shotgun blast

<pinocchio> Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!

<Sister Anna Livia> Bill Brasky is *my* son of a bitch!

<pinocchio> His memoirs are tattooed on Ruth Buzzi!

<Sister Anna Livia> I watched Bill Brasky make Sister Tallulah in the back of a taxicab.

Terence the Teratoma is the tumor you don't take home to momma

<pinocchio> Bill Brasky pisses farm fresh orange juice

<Babraham Lincoln> Why does Bill Brasky's name appear in bold and not mine? I am, after all, the President.

<Bill Brasky> I'm Bill Brasky.

<nota> servo is lever 5-and-up

<Simulacron3> checks to see if he is Level 5.

<Terence the Teratoma> You may have been president, Babe, but Bill Brasky's got a better rack.

<thefez> ol' bill brasky gotta contract with the company back when the chinamen were still layin the rails

TanisNikana goes from door to door getting candy as himself.

<Bill Brasky> I once punched a hole in a cow just to see what was coming down the road, dude.

<ueni> here's to Bill Brasky

ueni drainsh a pint

mkb is now known as Funk Scientist

<Babraham Lincoln> Well, that does beat my rail-splitting feats. But have you ever had smallpox? If not, I have something to share.

hashbrownie wanted to dress up as Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Noders ... sigh ...

thefez checks his lengthy list of innoculations

Orange Julius engineers a virus to circumvent thefez's innoculations

<Bill Brasky> I named my first four daughters 'smallpox.' Just thinking on it brings tears to one of my eyes.

<Mitzi> I'm so glad that the religious right here in my town has practically done away with Halloween. Nothing is as evil as a two-year-old in a tiara and princess dress. I feel MUCH safer these days.

<mirv> VC It's a costume party, and he's not the only one.

<DejaMorgana> Things have changed, Squarepig. We have a union now. We don't do the cannibalism thing anymore. That Tolkein guy, he done give us a bum rap.

<RMSzero> i bet you people wish you were dressed like john bender

<Squarepig> i'm attempting to attract the saucer men. so that i may EAT THEM!

<Squarepig> GNASH GNASH! happy halloweeeeen and to all a good night! hohoho! bye.

<loquacious> Bill Brasky is the pooftah fairy.

<pinocchio> Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky went hunting?

<pinocchio> Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits! He stomps and chews every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives... except Fleagle.

<Terence the Teratoma> Bill Brasky once ate the Bible while water skiing.

<Terence the Teratoma> Bill Brasky date raped David Bowie.

<TenMinJoe> Bill Brasky framed Roger Rabbit

<Terence the Teratoma> Bill Brasky came over and smoked all the cigars in my house. When he wasn't satisfied, he smoked my playing cards.

<bananaramaus> He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! ... And he hated irony!

<Executionatrix GiGi> Bill Brasky ... oooh. There's a real man. Who pays real C-notes to keep his secrets quiet ....

<bananaramaus> I once saw him breast feed a flamingo back to health.

<QXZ> Bill Brasky is so manly he shattered his homenode picture.

<bananaramaus> I hate Bill Brasky... but I respect him!

<bananaramaus> He makes his grandchildren call him 'The Anal Astrologist'.

<kthejoker> I think in a perfect world, we're all Bill Brasky.

<Bill Brasky> Nevermind what it means. Say it.

<PTBee> Bill Brasky nodes for numbers and gets away with it!

<Raspy> Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with ricotta cheese.

<ueni> I hate Bill Brasky, but I respect him.

<georgejmyersjr> Toast to Bill Brasky, may he always have a manicotti heart.

<kthejoker> He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health.

<georgejmyersjr> I'm sure it was ticked pink, his breast that is....

<ueni> Bill Brasky mentored Cool Man Eddie when they were living in a tent in Nepal.

<Raspy> He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident.

<Terence the Teratoma> Hell, Bill Brasky *sodomized* Cool Man Eddie. He said it would "teach him right."

<PTBee> Bill Brasky ate Admiral Stockdale, but spat out the beard.

<ueni> Bill Brasky invented the internet on the back of a napkin while he was taking a dump at Superbowl XX.

<althorrat> ah. it all makes sense now.

<Terence the Teratoma> Bill Brasky once ate a sheep testicle on a dare. It was still attached to the sheep.

<Bill Brasky> He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!

<PTBee> Bill Brasky looked Order dead in the eye and spit in its' belly button.

<ueni> To Bill Brasky!!~

<ueni> I took a picture of Bill Brasky once. After I got it developed I hung it on my refridgerator. Long story short, photo-brasky raids my ice-box and then eats my pets in the middle of the night... >

<ueni> and I'll be damned if he didn't crap out Muffin three days later, healthy as a horse!

<loquacious> Bill Brasky once wanted a little salad with his buffalo steak, and the remnants are still there to this day.

<PTBee> Bill Brasky raised my taxes, and forced me to like it!

<ueni> After that I heard the LAPD were after him, they sent 500 squad cars in a chase that got to 140 miles an hour! They lost him when he took off on foot in LAX!

<ueni> ...his middle name is Egmont.

<EDB> Bite my shiny metal ass!

<Terence the Teratoma> Bill Brasky makes his own sausages. And his own LSD.

<PTBee> Ugh EDB you need a manicure..badly!

<runaway> Did you know Bill Brasky parted the Red Sea once, like Moses?

<ueni> Only he parted it to one side, because that was the style at the time! To BILL BRASKY!

<PTBee> EDB washes Bill Brasky's balls...

<Terence the Teratoma> Bill Brasky kept his old baby bottle, for sentimental reasons. It still has a half-pint of Jack in it.

<kerawall> William Weatherbee Brasky IV, esquire.

<Casu Marzu> Is that like Janis's bottle of Southern Comfort?

<Terence the Teratoma> When they cancelled "Three's Company," Bill Brasky vowed revenge. And he got it.

<ueni> I heard his passport photo will blind you if you look at it too long.

<runaway> Brasky's hand strength is incredible, if he squeezes a diamond in his palm it turns back into coal.

<ueni> He once made Bob Barker eat a live sea urchin.

<Raspy> Bill Brasky spent five years hunting down the man who killed his wife. He finally found him in a juice bar in Boca Rotan. By this time, Brasky has a pretty good beard going, so the guy doesn't recognize him.

<loquacious> He once made a sea urchin eat Bob Barker...

<Raspy> Brasky lets him have it, reads him the riot act and everything. The poor guy tried to apologize, but Brasky gave him the cold shoulder.

<loquacious> Raspy++

<PTBee> Bill Brasky can put a hunk of shale between his butt cheeks and squeeze out oil from it...

<Bambizilla> I see the Bill Brasky club is in full attendance.

<Casu Marzu> Bill Brasky once visited the Pope. The pope was so impressed with Brasky's hat that he offered to swap hats, but ol'Bill couldn't bear to part with his.

<runaway> Brasky takes his coffee two cream, two sugar, and three gunpowder.

<bananaramaus> Bill Brasky once XP Pack Raped TheBooBooKitty single-handedly!

<ueni> Bill's parents were Paul Bunyan and that ox, Blue.

<Casu Marzu> This was the same hat, of course, that had saved Brasky's life after he fell off the cliff in Utah while running from Vinny 'Coffee Bean' Ambrosiano, head of the Salt Lake City crime family.

<Bambizilla> A short-lived homenode picture revealed that Bill Brasky has two sea urchins and a rather longish sea cuccumber as part of his anatomy. Don't touch the sea cuccumber.

<runaway> ...and one of his grandparents on Blue's side is a Komodo Dragon!

<Heisenberg> there's some bloke topping the users list I've never seen BILL BRASKY, explain yourself...

<Walter> I heard Brasky went to the moon, killed all the moonmen, made delicious moonjuice from their pulverized bones, and called it Slim-Fast.

<Casu Marzu> Three weeks later, as Brasky staggered into a motel on the outskirts of Reno, he jumped into the swimming pool and yelled, "I LOVE THIS HAT!"

Heisenberg hands walter his psychotropic drugs...

<runaway> Those McDonald's signs should really say "Over 99 Billion Served to BRASKY"!

<Bambizilla> BB is Klaproth in halloween disguise. Don't disturb himmer

<Terence the Teratoma> Bill Brasky is a lot like Captain Kangaroo, only with more man-raping

<ueni> I hear he once used Prince Charles as a pogo stick.

<amnesiac> It was Bill Brasky's idea to make the colour elements in Schindler's List red, they were originally going with blue.

<PTBee> Besides I thought the ringleader of the Salt Lake Crime family was Pimp Daddy Elder Tobias!

<runaway> Bill Brasky is the patron saint of rug burns!

<bananaramaus> dannye once deleted one of Bill Brasky's writeups. Brasky drove all the way to Arkansas in an electric golf cart and made him apologize!

<ueni> BILL BRASKY let the DOGS OUT!

<Heisenberg> you are all weird...

<Bambizilla> One two Bill Blaskys were sitting in a bar ...

<Casu Marzu> Brasky sauntered dripping into the lobby, put a quarter in a nearby slot machine, and won the $500 jackpot. He took the hat off to catch all the coins that were pouring out of the machine, and out fell a half gallon of water and a solid gold >>

<runaway> Brasky shot the sherrif AND the deputy!

<Casu Marzu> >> Book of Mormon, which he sold to the Christian Scientist Reading Room for $20.

<ueni> ...and he drives a car! Well, I guess that's pretty normal.

<PTBee> Brasky had sex with Whoopi Goldberg, and didn't go blind!

<runaway> Brasky's personalized license plate is a picture of him beating up Burt Reynolds!

<ueni> Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch, but I respect him.

<Casu Marzu> After that, he gathered together some friends and they were off for frisco, but his car broke down in the Donner Pass and they were forced to kill and eat the frat boy.

<Bambizilla> He can drive a car, but he can't drive my car.

<PTBee> Actually Brasky drives a car made from the bones of professional wrestlers

<Casu Marzu> Several truckers offered him a lift, but ol' Brasky was a stickler for tradition and waited until the spareribs were done.

<Bambizilla> Bill can piss into the wind and change its direction.

<Casu Marzu> . o O ( sob. I'm talking to myself )

<bananaramaus> One time Brasky was at the zoo and brutally raped a polar bear! He still sends her a card every year at Christmas.

<runaway> Brasky did all the special effects for the Star Wars movies using only finger puppets.

<Bambizilla> CM we're all talking to ourselves. Except for Bill, of course.

<ueni> If he thinks real hard, he can change into a '69 mustang, like a Transformer!

<Casu Marzu> The conductor on the ferry from Oakland tried to make Brasky take his hat off. Brasky told the conductor, "I barely know you!" and tossed him in the bay.

<Bambizilla> Brasky collects trick 'r treaters and returns them in the mail.

<ueni> The jaws of life are based on Brasky's dental records.

<Terence the Teratoma> Brasky axe-kicked Jacques Cousteau for a dollar.

<runaway> I hear he uses Excalibur to shave.

<PTBee> Aw heck Albert Belle collects trick or treaters too....with the front grille of his truck!

<Terence the Teratoma> When his plane crashed in the South Pacific, Brasky systematically ate his copassengers. One a week, every week, for twelve weeks. When he was discovered, his rescuers pointed out that Brasky's "deserted island" was only 12 miles from Guam. He knew.

<ueni> Anyway, he eventually cracked the Enigma Code but those punks, Turing and Church never thanked him for it.

<georgejmyersjr> Bill Blasky bought it back!

<Angry Emu> "Bill Brasky" Absurd Liberal Myth

<Casu Marzu> For about six months, Hennepin worked as longshoreman while Brasky was the fancy man at a whorehouse in the Tenderloin. Then one day Hennepin disappeared, and Brasky was faced with filling out that Workmen's Comp form.

<runaway> Brasky went back in time and built stonehenge. It's actually part of the world's largest still!

<Raspy> In high school, the track and field team used Brasky's penis for the high jump bar. They took second in regionals his senior year.

<Casu Marzu> Brasky eventually discovered that Hennepin had been shanghaied onto a whaling ship returning to Nantucket. He hijacked a Vanderbuilt steamboat and set off in pursuit.

Teiresias orders in another 100 gallons of holy water and sharpens the stakes, ready for the invasion of the undead

<QXZ> That's just Walter DRESSED as an emu.

Angry Emu raises an eyebrow at Walter

<Casu Marzu> He caught up with the whaler just as they were rounding Cape Horn in a storm. Brasky rammed the whaler with his steamboat. Three days later, with all hands lost, Brasky dragged himself onto the Patagonian shoreline.

<ueni> Bill Brasky has five o'clock shadow at 430 the previous day.

<Casu Marzu> It took him two weeks to walk to Punta Arenas, having to chase down rheas for food and eggs. After working as a bouncer at a fish auction for six months, he had enough for his steamship ticket to Buenos Aires.

<Casu Marzu> By then, he had passable Spanish, and was able to get passage to New York as a tutor/bodyguard to a general's son bound for Princeton.

<Terence the Teratoma> Bill Brasky once frenched a rat.

<Raspy> Bill Brasky's ejaculate can escape the Earth's gravity.

<Casu Marzu> Brasky had to kill several crewmembers who attempted to compromise the young man's virtue. Their parting at Castle Garden was embarrasingly emotional but one of Barnum's agents spotted Brasky and offered him a ridiculous salary to be a fire eater.

<briglass> Bill Brasky once quelled a bolshevic revolution with his perineum.

<Terence the Teratoma> Bill Brasky cuts and shapes his own fiberglass. Nude.

<Casu Marzu> After about six weeks of this humdrum existence, Brasky became restless again and decided to visit his old flame Angelique in Chicago.

<Walter> I heard Brasky can make a nuclear bomb out of one of his toenails, a donut, and a tooth from a baby hippo.

<Casu Marzu> On the train, Brasky received a telegram from Miguel back in Princeton, saying that the Provost was making 'googly-eyes' at him.

Lord Brawl despairs of understanding his inbox.

<amnesiac> One time Bill Brasky sneezed and the water droplets formed a 42" Plasma TV that was PAL as well as NTSC compatible.

<briglass> Bill Brasky's morning breath is so fierce that Hopi Indians use it as a fire kiln for pottery.

<Casu Marzu> Brasky was arguing with a ticket-vendor in Altoona, trying to get his ticket changed, when someone tapped him on the shoulder. Brasky wheeled, fists at the ready. But who should it be but old Hennepin, now a vicuña hat milllionaire.

<Raspy> In Nam, Bill jumped on a grenade to save his CO. It blew a hole in his sternum the size of a mason jar. That's what he used later to incubate the fetus of his first clone.

<Casu Marzu> Hennepin sent one of his yes-men to New Jersey to get Miguel straightened out, and they continued on to Chicago where Angelique was delighted to see them both. Less pleased to see them was her husband, a former guanaco hat tycoon fallen on hard times>>

<kthejoker> Bill Brasky once ate twenty eight lemons between a stripper's breasts!

<kthejoker> And then he hocked a loogie in my face and my nose melted.

<briglass> Theodore Roosevelt tried to pass off one of Bill Brasky's jogging trails as the Panama Canal.

<kthejoker> I hate Bill Brasky ... but I respect him.

<Casu Marzu> >> due to the vicuña fad started by Brasky's former sidekick. The guanaco tycoon challenged Hennepi into a duel but Brasky shot him before the glove hit the ground. They fled to Rome, always one step ahead of the Pinkertons.

<kthejoker> Bill Brasky gave Justin Timberlake his lovely falsetto by removing his gonads with a broken light bulb.

<Terence the Teratoma> Bill Brasky sleeps standing up, and he pisses hanging from the ceiling.

<kthejoker> Bill Brasky's blackface won him several Tony Awards throughout the 1970s.

<briglass> Bill Brasky harvests Guatamelan pigmies in his backyard for toothpicks.

<kthejoker> Bill Brasky likes to hang from the rafters while drinking his daily liter of infant blood.

<Terence the Teratoma> Bill Brasky thinks hockey is for fags.

<jefewe> Bill Brasky was once so hung over he drank the entire contents of the Twin Buttes Montana water fountain.

<Casu Marzu> Pinkerton himself bribed the head of the carabineri to haul Brasky in on a trumped-up vagrancy charge. But a magnificent vicuña hat arrived at the Lateran Palace one day. It wasn't long before Brasky was standing before Pius X himself, having >>

<kthejoker> Bill Brasky regularly dons a William Shatner mask and slays people on Halloween to keep the fear alive.

<Terence the Teratoma> When Bill Brasky had his testicular cancer removed, the tumor was a perfectly-formed miniature Bill Brasky, complete with a miniature bottle of whiskey.

<briglass> Bill Brasky has the decapitated heads of forty eight former sovereign nations trophied in his smallest bathroom.

<Casu Marzu> >> to kiss the pontiff's ring. It reminded Brasky of Salt Lake City. Then he heard, "Cool hat! Wanna trade?" The Pope wasn't too happy with his refusal, no matter how polite, and so it was steerage back to New York. THE END (?)

<jefewe> Bill Brasky is thee only person to ever successfully piss all the way up a 50 ft rope.

wertperch wonders just what the feckin' heck is going on

<Bill Brasky> I'm Bill Brasky.

<kthejoker> Bill Brasky goes 45 in the left lane with his turn signal on.

wertperch waves vaguely at Bill Brasky and checks the nametag in his pants, in case that's also changed

<jefewe> Now Bill, I didn't mean what I said about you at the Nobel prizes, I know your intentions towards Miss Kounicova were entirely honorable.

<briglass> Bill Brasky is a silicon based life form.

<briglass> Bill Brasky has procreated out of his species thrice.

<Bill Brasky> I'm Bill Brasky.

<Raspy> Brasky uses a three wood which he carved out of his own femur.

<jefewe> It was the sight of Brasky's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane

<briglass> Bill Brasky once told people all over the world to simultaneously shut up using his fingers.

<kbatman> Bill Brasky once set fire to a group of Buddhist monks, because they were blocking his spot.

<kbatman> One time I licked Bill Brasky's armpit. and my tongue turned into solid gold.

<kbatman> Like it or not, Bill Brasky's contract calls for seven virgins a day, and your wife meets the criteria.

(Content Editors) (45.2 min) Apatrix says From your hosts Bill Brasky (dem bones), Terence the Teratoma (Cletus the Foetus) and Pumpkin Blossom (yours truly), thank you for taking part in our little Halloween dress-up party. Except for Quizro, who wanted to sleep in his costume, we think that everyone has been restored to their former self without problems.

<LavaLamp> /me *groans* OMFG! My head hurts, my mouth tastes like an ashtray and I woke up dressed in a tutu. That gawddam Bratsky sure knows how ta throw a party!

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For Fair Use compliance purposes all writeups in this node are considered jointly -GrouchyOldMan.