Boris Johnson
Journalist, former Mayor of London, and Conservative prime minister who introduced many highly praised and innovative transport solutions to London as mayor and fought tirelessly and uncompromisingly for a No-Deal Brexit to the end
Prime Minister Boris Johnson has died today aged fifty-five. His totally skinless body, glistening and twitching, still taking shallow breaths at the time of its discovery, was found tied by its wrists from a meat hook in a Lewisham warehouse with hundreds of two inch strips of skin piled beneath and a potato peeler embedded in its eye. He was put out of his misery at 9:16 AM with a swift cut across his throat by the quick thinking police constable who had stumbled upon the hideous scene. Upon hearing the news of his passing Johnson's dear friend and ally President of the United States Donald Trump fell out of his chair laughing.
It is no secret that Bojo, as he preferred to be known, was a highly contentious figure. Much like Jesus Christ the tousle-haired middle eastern divided houses against themselves all throughout the country, turning brother against brother and child against father.
During his term as prime minister (24 July 2019- 20 December 2019), the shortest term served by any prime minister since the Viscount Goderich (1827-1828), Bojo was defeated in parliament a record breaking 100% of the time and withdrew the whips or accepted the resignations of twenty-four cabinet ministers and members of Parliament as well as one member of the Scottish Parliament.
Born in a New York slum to a Turkish court dancer and an English button polisher Bojo rose from his humble beginnings to winning a scholarship for Eton College where his calculated eccentric manner quickly gained him popularity among the upper and upper middle class boys, eventually becoming elected in 1986 as President of the Oxford Student Union where he read Classics at Balliol and Belcher College. Single minded and deaf to opposition even in his youth, as President Bojo oversaw the first Oxford Tramp Hunt, an Oxford tradition that was abolished immediately upon Bojo's graduation, as well as creating the Young Fascist Society of which he had always claimed to have no recollection.
While at Oxford Bojo was a prominent member of the Bullingdon Club whose membership also included David Cameron, Michael Gove, and William Hague. As the 'poor boy' of the club Bojo was often subjected by the others to humiliating and occasionally painful treatment verging on torture but he had always maintained that it was all in good fun, it was just boys being boys, he was always in on the joke, and he had no recollection of it.
After graduating from Oxford and following a series of short-lived jobs and a scandal during his traineeship at The Times, of which he had no recollection, Bojo took a job as columnist at The Daily Telegraph's bureau at Brussels from which he began to sow the seeds of euroscepticism among his Conservative readership. His articles were a great influence on Nigel Farage who took over as leader of the UK Independence Party in 1997 and were much beloved by Margaret Thatcher who often affectionately referred to Bojo as her 'Turkish merkin'.
Buoyed up by Thatcher's praise Bojo began a career in politics in 1993 but his path to power was not without its speed bumps. Following a series of embarrassing failures he was eventually selected as Conservative candidate for Clwyd South, a mining village in North Wales, during the 1997 General Election but unsurprisingly lost to the Labour candidate.
Undeterred by his promise to the editor of The Spectator that he would abandon his political ambitions as a condition for writing for that publication he went on to stand for Henley in 2001 and 2005, achieving landslide victories both times. As MP Bojo voted in favour of Britain joining the American invasion of Iraq and joined a campaign to have Tony Blair impeached.
In 2008 and 2012 Bojo stood for Mayor of London, marginally beating Ken Livingstone both times. Despite his Turkish parentage he was publicly endorsed by members of the British National Party as 'one of the good ones'. He had always declined to comment on the various substantial donations made to him by the BNP, citing his poor recollection.
Bojo did not stand in the 2016 Mayoral election as he wished to return to Parliament. He had been selected as Conservative candidate for Uxbridge and South Ruislip and won with over 50% of votes in every general election since 2015. But Bojo had had his sights set even higher still. With Machiavellian dexterity he subtly pushed the timid and aging Theresa May finally to resign as leader of the Conservative party in May and as prime minister in June 2019. With Stephen Bannon as his campaign manager Bojo's election was assured. His supporters maintain that Bojo lacked the capacity to engineer such a complex plot and he always denied having any recollection of his involvement with Bannon.
Immediately as he gained power Bojo began to dismantle British democracy, first by withdrawing the whips of all Conservative Party members who opposed him, next by exploiting the Queen's royal prerogative to prorogue Parliament. The people responded to Bojo's creeping totalitarianism with grim compliance and on December the 12th 2019 the Conservative party won their greatest victory since 1979. He appointed a number of ethnic Cabinet members.
London Metropolitan Police have ruled Bojo's death a suicide and there are no suspects. There will be no official state funeral but the people are encouraged to pay their respects as they see fit. He is succeeded by seventy-nine children.
Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, journalist and politician, born 19 June 1964; died 20 December 2019