Brian Regan is a stand up comedian, one of the
funniest men alive. I will write parts of his
standup here so you get an idea, but it loses a lot with out his
incredible delivery. Brian doesn't use any
curse words and i've not heard him ever talk about anything even remotely
controversial.
How you doing,
folks? Looks like you're all sitting there like, hey
pal... you got some
jokes? Why don't you start
cranking them out,
circus boy?...
...Sometimes you'll say the right things but at the wrong
time. Something like, "
you too." I was getting out of a
cab at an airport and the cab driver goes, "
have a nice flight." "You too." You too; You have a nice flight too, in case you ever fly somewhere. Don't anyone look at me, I'm a
moron. Don't know when to say the the "you too" phrase.
Can't handle it...
I remember my teacher asking me, "Brian, what's the '
i before e' rule?" "Um... i before e... ...always." "What are you an idiot, Brian?" "Apparently" "No Brian," so she explains it. "I before E/Except after C/And when sounding like A/As in neighboring way/And on
weekends and holidays/And all thru out May/And
you'll always be wrong/No Matter What You Say!" Oh, that's a
hard rule. That's a
rough rule. Pluarls were hard too. "Brian how do you make a word a plural?" "You put an S. You put an S at the end of it." "When?" "On weekends... and holidays..." "No, no, Brian. Let me show you." So she asks this kid who knew everything, Irwin. "Irwin, what is the plural for
ox?" "Oxen. The farmer used his oxen." "Brian?" "
what?!" "What is the plural for
box?" "Boxen. I bought two boxen of donuts." "No, Brian, no. Let's try another one. Irwin, what is the plural for
goose?" "Geese. I saw a
flock... of geese." "Brian?" "
...?! what...?!" "What is the plural for moose?" "
Moosen! I saw a flock of moosen. There are many of them. Many much moosen! Out in the woods. In the woodes! In the woodsen! The meese want the food. Food is to eaten-s-en! The meese want the food in the wooden-s-en!!--" "Brian, Brian. You're an
imbecile." "...Imbecilen."
I didn't know what to do for my science project, so I brought in a
paper cup filled with dirt... just hoping she'd know I'm an idiot and walk right on past me. "What do you have there, Brian?" "...It's a
cup of dirt." Just put an
F on there and let me go home. "Well, explain it." Well, it's a CUP with DIRT in it. I call it 'cup of dirt.' You should
move on now. You should go ahead and move on down the line now.
I never understood
log trucks that pass each other on the highway. I mean, if they have logs over there... you'd figure a phone call would solve a whole lot of trouble. ...You had logs... but i was told... to order... logs...
You know what you
do when you go into these places? You order an "extra
medium." That just
throws them for a loop. The guy turns around and is like uhhhhh.... You see him talking to the
manager, "
I don't know. He said he wanted an extra medium, and I'm looking at the mediums, and I don't know how to extra it." You go into these
fast food places they got the cup sizes hanging from a string. You know, some kid had to tie them in the
air conditioning duct. "There they are. There are the
cup sizes. Check 'em over carefully, 'cause it's time to
pick a cup." Next to the big one there's an arrow that says, "
Best Value!" Wha-- What kind of thing is that to do-- Why do you have the two?! What does that have to do-- Why, why are you doing that to your customers? "You want the best, that's the best. This is the
nitwit size. That's our
fool's cup. That's the best."
Check out Brian Regan Live (the
CD) if you'd like to hear more or www.laugh.com which has some of the those tracks in
mp3 format. Brian Regan has some pretty close ties with
Opie and Anthony in
New York City.