COWBOY JESUS VERSUS ROBO-CHENEY
(A Short Play)
Parts: Doctor,
Vice President Dick Cheney,
Cowboy Jesus, St. Pete, Two Secret Service
Ninjas
(Cheney is lying down on an operating table, with the Doctor tinkering in his chest. A covered basket is in front of the table.)
DOCTOR: Well, that should do it, Mr. Vice President.
Your software upgrade is complete.
(Cheney sits up.)
CHENEY: Excellent. Did you install my new
plasma rifle as well?
DOCTOR: Of course, Mr. Vice President. With a flick of your wrist, the most destructive weapon available in modern
cybernetics is at your fingertips.
(Cheney gestures with his arm. His hand submerges within his suit arm, and a weapon emerges. He surveys the audience with it.)
CHENEY: Most exquisite. The CheneyBlaster™ 2005 is operational. -long villain laugh- Have you found a solution to fix my other CheneyBlaster? Lynne's getting awfully frisky these days.
DOCTOR: No, sorry sir, but we're still working on it.
In order to have an erection you have to have blood running through you. We're looking into some interesting synthetic possibilities, but so far we haven't had much luck.
CHENEY: Well, I'm sure you'll figure it out. I'm certain you wouldn't want anything to happen to that little
soul of yours that I happen to have! -villain laugh- Now, lunch time! Not eating for twenty-four hours before surgery has left me feeling quite famished.
(He gets down from the table and takes the blanket off of the basket and takes out a baby. Sounds of crying fill the theatre.)
CHENEY: Now now, little one.
Your frightened cries serve only to heighten my craving for your young flesh! -villain laugh-
(He raises the baby to his mouth and is about to take a bite out of it, when… Enter Cowboy Jesus and St. Pete!)
JESUS: Not so fast, Cheney! Put that baby down, nice and slow, partner. I'm fixin' to stop you and your evil ways.
(Cheney tosses the baby back into the basket. The Doctor flees the scene.)
CHENEY: Cowboy Jesus! You're too late!
Haven't you heard, we've got a mandate! And our mandate means an end to men dating men!
PETE: Say it isn't so, Jesus!
JESUS: I'm afraid it is, Pete. But the people didn't know!
CHENEY: The people didn't know what? That you liberal hippie scum want to sell this country down the river to peace, love, and understanding? Oh, they knew. And that's why you lost, why you'll always lose.
PETE: -to Jesus- What's so funny about peace, love, and understanding?
JESUS: They didn't know about your plans to privatize social security and impoverish millions of older Americans!
CHENEY: Nine-Eleven.
JESUS: They didn't know about your budget plans to cut money from
Head Start and
Pell Grants so that poor kids would lose the opportunity to advance in life!
CHENEY: Nine-Eleven!
JESUS: They didn't know you planned to gut bankruptcy laws so that regular people would become debt slaves to Corporate America!
CHENEY: NINE-ELEVEN!
JESUS: People thought they were voting for Freedom, when all you've given them is
Freedom Fries! And
you eat babies!
CHENEY: I'm tired of your sermonizing, Son of God! SECRET SERVICE NINJAS, ANSWER THY MASTER'S CALL!
(Two people wearing suits, their heads covered with Ninja! style black masks rush onto stage from behind Cheney. They show off their ninja chops by moving their arms around very quickly, in a threatening fashion, to Jesus and Pete.)
JESUS: Where did those hombres come from!?
CHENEY: Government dime, boys, government dime. And they're mammals! Now they're going to totally flip out and kill you both! -villain laugh-
(The ninjas stop their menacing exercises and attack Jesus and Pete. The fight takes a about thirty seconds, and at times it looks as if the ninjas have the upper hand, but Pete and Jesus manage to knock them out with the famous “Cowboy punch”.)
PETE: Lights out before the cock crowed once. Not bad for two old cowhands.
JESUS: I reckon you're right, Petey. I reckon you're right. Is that all you got, you plundering plutocrat?
CHENEY: Not hardly, Jesus. Behold the CheneyBlaster™ 2005!
(Cheney does the same arm gesture as earlier, and the super-weapon replaces his hand.)
CHENEY: I've had enough of your meddlesome ways, Cowboy Comrade. Get ready to meet your father!
(Some really cool sound effect or something, and Jesus stumbles and falls to the ground.)
PETE: NOOOO!!!!!!!
CHENEY: YES!
PETE: You won't get away with this, Cheney!
CHENEY: I already have, one-dimensional sidekick, I already have. C'mon boys, let's go drink ourselves silly off the drilling wells of the
Arctic National Wildlife Refuge!
(The ninjas get up, and follow a laughing Cheney offstage.)
PETE: We can't let it end this way! I believe in the cowboy, and I know you do too! Clap, clap, clap if you can, and bring him back to life with your love!
(So, we're going to do two endings here. If the audience doesn't clap…)
PETE: Well, nobody cares then.
Shit, I guess he's dead. I guess you people don't vote, either…
(Lights out.)
(Second ending, if the audience does clap.)
PETE: It's working, it's working!
JESUS: I feel the resurrection! I am the way, the truth, and the light! And it didn't even take three days this time.
Who says the fast-paced modern world is a bad thing? Thank you folks, I really do appreciate it. Now, let's get after that villain Cheney, and give him some "frontier justice".
(Firing guns in the air, they exit.)
(Lights out. Pause. Lights back on. The doctor stands on stage by himself.)
DOCTOR: The preceding was parody. It was not to be taken seriously. Threatening the Vice President with frontier justice is a crime under title 18, part 1, chapter 41, paragraph 871 of the federal criminal code. And we are certainly not criminals.
Also, the Vice President is not a baby-eating cyborg from hell. We made that part up.
(Lights out.)