Sesame Street was today rocked by more drugs scandel. Some of our long term readers may remember that fateful 1 October 1993 when Big Bird ran rampage after taking some "bad seed". After that fateful day the cast slowly recovered, went cold turkey, and replacements were found for the injured or dead muppets. But now the ugly spectre of drugs has risen its head again.
DEALER
Our reporter was shocked to find that COUNT VON COUNT (aka THE COUNT) is the main dealer for Sesame Street. We have tapes of The Count plying his evil trade and in one deal, with ALOYSIUS SNUFFLEUPAGUS he is heard to say "One bag of cocaine, muhahaha, two bags of cocaine, muhahaha".
BAD EXAMPLE
Indeed from seeing pictures of Snuffleupagus we can see the damage that drugs do to the body, years of sniffing cocaine have obviously affected his nose and lengthened it to un-natural proportions.
LED ASTRAY?
What is perhaps most worrying about Snuggleupagus's habit is the possibility of corrupting his two year old sister ALICE, indeed the early warning signs of addiction can be seen in her repetition, often repeating the last words she hears.
GIGGLING FOOL?
But the scandal does not end here. If viewers watch each Sesame Street character closely they may be able to identify characteristics of drug abuse. ELMO, favourite of many children has a very positive, optimistic view of himself and life and never uses pronouns, often referring to himself by name: "Elmo wants to go to the park." Combine this with his manic giggling and shaking and you have some of the classic signs of a long term canabis smoker.
When you examine the COOKIE MONSTER's often ravenous hunger it again points to a side effect of long term canabis abuse. Are these the sort of examples you want your children to grow up with?
ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE
BERT and ERNIE have also been dabbling in drugs, amyl nitrate, which is a popular drug within the homosexual community. Small bottles have been found amongst Bert's paper clip collection.
DEPRESSING
OSCAR the "grouch" is obviously on some type of depressant or "downer". His mood swings and also permanent bad temper lead this reporter to believe that it will not be long before he "snaps" and runs amok beating innocent passing humans with large, styrofoam letters.
NEW ADDICT
It is not just the older muppets that affected by the growing drug problem, ZOE a new muppet, introduced 4 seasons ago has a obvious problem. With her excited attitude about everything and problems getting her words out fast enough we watched her closely. When she was seen buying a "wrap of speed" from the Count we were not surprised.
What is more worrying is that it seems she feeds some to NATASHA, an infant Muppet who then crawls very fast, making it difficult for her baby-sitters to keep an eye on her.
DELUSIONAL
GROVER has a recurring fantasy as "Super Grover" in which he can fly and leap over tall buildings in a single bound. This is obviously a side effect of taking PCP, commonly known as "Angel Dust". It cannot be long until in one of his drug fuelled fantasies he causes a serious injury to himself or others.
DRUGS HOTEL
Most of these deals went in the Muppet Hotel, "The Furry Arms", owned by INGRID and HUMPHREY. Parents to baby NATASHA they obviously care nothing for the lives they are destroying. Rumours that they rent rooms out by the hour to PRAIRIE DAWN are as yet unconfirmed.
POLICE
But perhaps hope is at hand, Drugs Detective Sherlock Hemlock has been called in to investigate.
However he may not be safe, as a large monster has been following him around. We can only hope and pray for his safety.
FALSE SENTIMENT
It is this reporters fervant hope that he will be able to think of more stupid things to write about Seasame Street, so he can make more money. However my cover here is blown, so I must move on. Keep an eye out for "Just what is in those Scooby Snacks?" my next drug expose.