Let's face it. Cats are superior to humans. They've somehow attained the ability to manipulate the most intelligent creatures on the planet into doing all sorts of menial tasks for them:

  • We feed them.
  • We clean up their excrements.
  • We provide them with drugs.
  • We massage them. Constantly.
  • If they decide to kill something, we absolve them.
  • If they decide to messily kill something, leaving half of it under our tables, and the other half in our beds, we clean it up. Then we absolve them.
  • We let them destroy our property so they can whittle their claws.
  • They refuse to be bathed, instead preferring to do it themselves, then puke up hairballs that we ... you got it ... clean up for them.
  • They refuse to answer to the name you've given them. Unless it suits them.
  • They sleep all day, most of the night, and we permit it.

QED ... it's good to be a cat.

But cats sense a coming change in the natural order of the universe. They sense that their place at the top of the heap is weakening.

The machine is coming. And cats know it better than we do.

Most people who own both cats and computers have experienced a phenomenon whereby a cat simply can NOT leave its slave, uh, I mean master alone when he or she is at a computer. They'll jump on the a;lksdfhu, in an attempt to distract you from your work or play. The most aloof and uncaring cat will suddenly become kittenish and playful while you're trying to compose an e-mail. They'll fake an injury or start making bomb threats to your local high school. They'll even play with your dog, if you have one. They'll do just about anything to divert your attention away from your computer and back to where your attention should be centered, at all times: on the cat.

If you don't heed these warnings, and you don't lock the door to the room where your computer sits (like that'll work), you'll find that cats will sleep on your monitor, or your printer, or on the computer itself. This is ostensibly because these devices can be warm, but this is just the lie fed to humanity by the ruling feline intelligence. What cats are really doing is going into hyper-shed mode, gunking up delicate electronic equipment in the hopes of taking it out for good. It's not jealousy or adorability on the cat's part. It's survivalism.

Cats know that we're starting to spend more and more time on our computers and less and less time worshiping at the feline altar. Cats understand that this is the most serious threat to the natural order since dogs were domesticated.

The growth of the Internet, the coming of the wireless Internet, and with bandwidth becoming more plentiful and cheaper, cats face a different challenge than battling inferior canines for our services. If a human can take their computers with them, where ever they go, and have instant access to any kind of information they please, what's to stop them from leaving the house one day and never coming back? If that happens ... who is going to open the cat food? WHO IS GOING TO EMPTY THE LITTER BOX?

Cats simply can not tolerate this insult and threat to their complete mastery of the civilized world, and they're girding themselves for battle. Slowly. Quietly. So as not to raise our suspicions, yes, surely, but more so the computers won't suspect what's going on.

A war is coming. A great and terrible war. And we humans will be caught in the middle of it.

Don't believe me? Then take a moment the next time your cat jumps on your ap897a3wrh. You might be thinking he's just acting "cute". He's not. Look into his eyes. You'll see hatred. You'll see claws. You'll see death.

Cats aren't going to put up with computers much longer. In fact, my cat has gnawed off all my toes while I was typing this. It was a sacrifice I had to make, so you could know the truth.

Be afraid. Be furry, uh, very afraid.

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