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As society marches on and political tensions rise endlessly across the globe, it is important that our nation makes up its collective mind and throws its support behind one domesticated animal. Although I personally prefer the companionship of dogs, through comparison I feel compelled to back the feline agenda. The benefit of the feline agenda is that, under strict government supervision, a new force of efficient cats will flood the streets and our homes. Efficiency means success, and the nation’s success means the assurance of freedom and democracy for those who seek it. Considering the certain necessary intangibles, I must conclude and insist that the cat is the more efficient domesticated animal.

Dogs have larger brains than cats, but lack their craftiness and cunning. They suffer obvious fatal weaknesses. No matter what kind of training the dog has undergone, focused light from flashlights or laser pointers can too easily captivate its attention and focus. Should the enemy ever become aware of this under a canine agenda, the nation’s cause would be doomed. The cat’s brain is smaller; focus is much easier to manipulate via blinking lights or long blades of grass. If the U.S. Government were to fund research on LED mind control helmets for an all-animal army, the cat’s mind would prove more compatible for the program. The feline brain is more suitable for the nation’s cause, therefore, more efficient.

Dogs and cats are both fairly affectionate creatures, but for overstated reasons, the dog is seen as more loyal. A dog will give his affection freely to anyone who walks through its front door, be it a family member or a burglar. A cat, on the other hand, is wise in that it trusts no one without subjecting them to intensive character evaluation. A cat’s trust is earned, never given.

If one were to keep a small dog in captivity and let it free, it will run away for a couple of hours, but would come back with a slobbery tennis ball. A cat will go missing for weeks afterwards, but it will come back with a dead rat or sparrow. The point is that, after undergoing the traumatic pressure of the battlefield, a cat will leave for a longer period of time, but would be willing to kill for your love. The dog’s gift is selfish and unhelpful to any agenda. The cat’s selfless gift is testament to its true love and loyalty. With minimal government brainwashing, the cat’s undying loyalty proves more efficient for the cause.

In a rural environment, the dog has the upper hand. Wide-open fields allow the dog to chase down its prey. But in urban environments, the dog is too conspicuous and bulky to move around freely. Dogs are unable to gain footing on hardwood and tile surfaces, which leaves them vulnerable, immobile, and easily pushed around. In an urban environment, where rodents thrive, cats have the upper hand. Their sleek and flexible frames allow them to slip under fences and through cracks in the wall. Felines have no qualms with scaling a fire escape ladder or braving skyscraper scaffolding to hunt its prey. A cat will only submerge itself in water for survival purposes, never for its own entertainment. Nowadays, more wars are being fought in urban environments, where the cat’s guerilla tactics and agility prove more effective than the dog’s brutish, straightforward style of attack. Dog warfare is gone the way of the redcoat; cat guerilla warfare rides the crest on the wave of the future.

In a world overrun by rapidly expanding urban centers, cats are the more efficient survivors and military machines. The nation has little time left to decide, the globe’s patience wears thin. We must band together and arm the country’s cats with mind control helmets and jet packs, and set them off into militarized zones. Together with our boys in blue, the cats will storm the frontlines of the enemy and secure victory for the nation. The cat stands for solidarity and independence, as does our cause. The feline agenda is the only logical next step for the nation to take.

God, save the nation.

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