I found these while deleting some old emails, so i figured I'd post them to give some a laugh.. Enjoy.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Evening Massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lead him the electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday from 7 to 8 p.m.. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eight-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in the fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which, as usual, fell upon her.

(On a church bulletin during the pastor's illness) GOD IS GOOD. Pastor Hargreaves is better.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

The Rector is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join their choir.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m.. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

I've seen those and more of that ilk going through the eMail rounds, but lately I've been finding the actual church bulletins much more amusing, you know those handy tidbits of information that you find on the signs outside of churchs, spelled out with those letters that they use ioutside of supermarkets to inform of the latest bargain. The information that they hand out is so corny, trite, and religiously inclined that most atheists can't help but to start chuckling as they walk past. Some of my favourites I've seen include the following:

  • The secret to coping, is hoping in god.
  • If money talk$, what says your$
  • If you play with sin you're going to get burned
  • Warning: Exposure to the son may prevent burning
I'll add more as the churches in my area change their signs.

Some of the churches' changeable signs in my area (Bergen County, New Jersey) can be very amusing, and sometimes almost witty. They're usually funny in the way one sometimes laughs at the patheticness of things that fail at being genuinely funny, though.
A few excellent church signs seen in my area:

(around mothers' day)
"Wise moms seek Jesus"
My friend's brother suggested that it should be "Choosy moms choose Jesus"

"A midlife crisis is better than a life Christless"

Just days ago, for Thanksgiving 2000, a church had "Count your blessings"
This week, joking about the 2000 presidential election, they had "Recount your blessings"

One church has a double-sided sign, with one phrase that can be seen when driving by in one direction, and a different but related phrase that can be seen from the other direction.

One side:
"Truth stands the test of time; lies soon crumble and fall"
and the other side:
"The Bible prevents truth decay"

See also:
church message sign
More Church Bulletins with multiple meanings...

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