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Father Ted, Series 2, episode 8

It is Lent, and Mrs. Doyle leaves the three fathers to go on a pilgrimage to cleanse her catholic soul and leaves the three priests to their favourite pasttimes. Unfortunately, that nemesis of Ted, Father Dick Byrne calls and asks for a sacrifice for lent. Ted remembers his catholic faith and agrees to the challenge: give up something the lads truly love: Ted ceases smoking, Father Dougal rollerblading and Father Jack alcohol.

FR.TED: I mean, Dougal, could you not knock the rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks.
DOUGAL: I know Ted, I know Ted. I used to be happy enough with the old bike you know, I used to get a great buzz just going down to the shops, but you know after a while it just wasn't enough. I kept going for bigger and bigger thrills. Oh I can handle it Ted, I can quit any time I want.
FR.TED: Well you tried to quit yesterday and you couldn't!
DOUGAL: You're right Ted, I admit it. I have a problem.

Soon enough the three of them get delirious with cravings and secretely try to give in to their sinful addictions. Nevertheless Father Jack finds himself being sober for the first time in years:

FR.JACK: Are these my feet? Floor!.
FR.TED: All coming back to you is it Father?
FR.JACK:(ponting at Ted) Gobshite!

After the first unsuccessful attempt they hire Sister Assumpta from a dial a nun service to get them on the straight and narrow. Unfortunately for the fathers, her methods (caning, icecold baths, kicks in groins) are a bit too harsh for the fathers. Dougal has his usual memory problems:

FR.TED: Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta?
DOUGAL: Ah... no.
FR.TED: She was here last year. And then we stayed with her back in the convent back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that! And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card. Ah you must remember Dougal.
STR.ASSUMPTA: And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? And then we had to go down to the police station to get you. And the police station went on fire? You had to be rescued by helicopter!
FR.TED: Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter!! When you fell out of the helicopter. Over the zoo. Do you remember the tigers! You don't remember! You were wearing your blue jumper!
DOUGAL: Ah Sister Assumpta, now I remember.

Fleeing the good sister, they escape to Father Dick Byrne, just to find out that he and his mates have been ignoring lent completely, so they decide to let Assumpta give them a visit.

The credits roll over footage of a furious,enormous nun racing after 3 half naked priests with a large branch and kicking their groins as soon as they fall.

Those Irish, ay?


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