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"I hate Christmas."
Let me say it again, "I hate Christmas."

Idiots poorly feigning cheeriness, bright flashing lights whenever I go skulking around in the dark, and those incessant Christmas carols! I can barely stand to sit through lunch in a restaurant in the months of November and December because a conspiracy of amazingly sadistic and conspicuously absent restaurant managers think that every last one of their disgruntled employees and shopping-crazed customers needs to be subjected to an endless Chinese water torture of so-called "Christmas Music".

Outside of full-fledged arson, I've found only one talisman against this constant onslaught of Velveeta JuJu -- Cthulhu Carols. Take them with you. Grin toothily and think of the really chilly origins of religion on our planet.

What follows here is just a meager, human-sized sampling. If you're looking for a full cornucopia of evil mirth, you might try:

  • http://webpages.marshall.edu/~matson1/cthulhu.html
  • http://www.darklair.net/carols.html
  • http://www.duke.edu/web/DRAGO/humor/coc-songs.html


"Azathoth, Azathoth" by Bryan M. Ball to the tune of "Jingle Bells" Azathoth, Azathoth, Azathoth, the King, Center of the Universe, Insanity he brings, Hey! Azathoth, Azathoth, Azathoth, the King, Center of the Universe, Insanity he brings. Writhing round the place, Insane pipers pipe, Takes up lots of space, The stars are getting ripe. R'Lyeh soon may rise, Nyarlathotep plots, Earth will be the prize, We'll all lose our spots. Ohhh! Azathoth, Azathoth, Azathoth, the King, Center of the Universe, Insanity he brings!
"The Carol of the Old Ones" by A.H. Leman to the tune of "Carol of the Bells" Look to the sky way up on high There in the nigh stars now are right Eons have passed now then at last Whence They were penned They will descend They will retun mankind will learn New kinds of fear once They are here As They reclaim all in Their name Watch only can powerless man Ignorant fools mankind now rules Where They ruled then it's Theirs again Madness will reign terror and pain Woes without end where They extend Scary scary scary scary Solstice Very very very scary Solstice Up from the sea from underground Down from the sky They're all around They will retun mankind will learn New kinds of fear when They are hear They will return followed by a glorious arrangement of four part harmonies.
"Great Old Ones Are Coming to Town" by Sean Branney to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" You'd better watch out; you better go hide. And Elder Sign's needed for this Yuletide Great Old Ones are comin to town. They're making a fist and shaking it twice. They're going to hit you, naughty or nice. Great Old Ones are coming to town. They're bringing ugly Shuggoths, And horrid Deep Ones too, Shub Niggurath is waking up And so is Cthulhu So you better watch out, you'd better go 'way, Before the big guy comes up from R'lyeh. Great Old Ones are coming to town.
"Hark! the Nameless Cultists Sing" by James Westbrooks to the tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" Hark! the nameless cultists sing, ``Glory to our dreaming King, Deep beneath the ocean waves, dreaming in his wat'ry grave. Soon the stars will all be right, usher in eternal night! When Cthulhu comes to reign, things here 'bouts won't be the same!'' Hark! the namesless cultists sing, ``Glory to our dreaming King!'' Cthulhu whose name strikes fear, speaks to those whose souls can hear: Late at night an artist dreams, wakes up with an awful scream. Then in clay his visions mold, pretty outre so I'm told. Visions of a scene from Hell, near impossible to sell. Hark! the nameless cultists sing, ``Glory to our dreaming King!'' Hark! the Great One's Priestly Son, Hail or you will be undone. Death and pain to most he brings, Ris'n with darkness in His wings. Waked at last no more to lie , proof that death itself may die, Born to crush the human race , wipe them out and leave no trace. Hark! the nameless cultists sing, ``Glory to our dreaming King!''

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