Cunnilingus FAQ: Section Five

In my experience, when you try to explain to a man "in the moment" that he is doing oral sex (or sometimes anything) wrong, often the result is a disaster. You aren't into it, because you are trying to direct, and I guess for many guys it comes off as simply insulting. It isn't a very "supportive process," to borrow a friend's phraseology.

Example: "No, not there,...there..." (Quizzical looks, no change in behavior.)

Now, if you go looking for diagrams of women's vaginas, you will find yourself either looking at medical textbooks or special references, such as Our Bodies, Ourselves --- which, is presented as a "for women only" sort of thing. The original edition even gave this little rap to men about not buying it "for" women. Yeesh! Good book, but talk about "attitude." The new edition has thankfully dropped this negative proscription.

You will sometimes NOT even find a clear picture of a woman's vagina in a general sex reference, such as the original The Joy of Sex. And you won't find a discussion of the parts of the vulva in most places. Now, go look for a picture of a man's penis that is reasonably edifying, and you'll find them all over. I only discovered this when I tried to look it up, and since I had never purchased Our Bodies, Ourselves, I was SOL (corrected that, recently). I however, and all women, have a ready-made "reference manual," provided we have gotten over the idea, or never had it, that looking at it will somehow be a "bad thing." Men don't have this reference manual readily "at hand," at least if their partner, if they have one, is not immediately available and cooperative.

I have also read, and just reread, the Cunnilingus FAQ. Though it seemed excellent in terms of mood, style of approach, all the "beginning" stuff, I found when I applied her technique suggestions to me and my experience as a recipient, or my experience as a giver, it was a bit short on specifics. I am sure the described approach works very well for the woman who wrote it :), but I have a few things that seem unsaid.

So, you have gone through all the beginning motions, taking a reasonable amount of time, and you are starting to "get down to business." First, PLEASE turn on the lights. Working in the dark is for experts at best. I am assuming you are sitting between her legs, facing her, or some variation on this. Now really LOOK at what is there. Where her hair is (or was, some people shave) is the mons veneris, the pubic mound. If she is not aroused, everything is likely, but not guaranteed, to be enclosed within the outer lips or labia majora, the edges of the pubic mound that comes together to enclose her vulva.

As you spread this apart (she can bring her knees up and out, and/or you can use your hands), you will now see the inner folds of skin of the vulva, the inner lips or labia minora. These (usually) go all around the vaginal opening, and come in a variety of interesting and pleasing shapes and textures.

As you observe that this encircles the vaginal opening, at the top of this you will find what might look like a button or might look like a very tiny penis, covered by an additional flap of skin. The flap of skin is the "hood" of the clitoris, and is very sensitive, as is the clitoris. This is the female equivalent of the male foreskin, though it is much looser than that corresponding organ.

If you see what looks like a button underneath the hood, then what you are seeing is the glans of the clitoris, exactly equivalent to your own penis glans, or head of the penis. If you see a bit more than that, then there is probably some of the shaft of the clitoris extending in your partner. I stress this since most men would not be particularly enthused by a blow job that only gave attention to their penis head and extended not a centimeter below there. Many might find it annoying or even painful, depending on how rough their partner is with them and how sensitive they are to pain in that area. However, told "give attention to the clitoris," by fable and book, many brave soldiers run to do battle on the field of their woman's desires with their tongue, only to find their partner is telling them to please stop, it hurts, or it doesn't do anything for me. This may or may not be a comment on your technique, some women don't like oral sex. I would just like to suggest an approach that probably has a higher average success rate.

The shaft of the clitoris is attached internally, back into the body of the woman. Pressure on the spot above the glans and underneath the hood will generally give you access to the part of the shaft equivalent to the part of your penis that is towards your body, whereas underneath the glans will give you access to the part of the shaft that is equivalent to the part of your penis that is away from your body. It is likely that the skin directly below the glans will be functionally equivalent to what is for most men the most sensitive and pleasurable part of the penis for play, and the inner vaginal lips are also usually quite sensitive "in a good way." Going down/in/back, you may or may not see the urethra, if you do this is the location of the grafenberg spot (g-spot), which we have all heard on this newsgroup is quite varied in response, some women love stimulation there, others do not. Try licking your tongue around there, if it is visible, and see, in the course of your "investigations."

O.K., so now you have the picture. You did trim/file your nails first, didn't you? Play with your hands, play with your mouth, go all over, gently at first, increasing stimulation and focus as her body responds, and coming in "closer on" the clitoral area as she becomes more aroused. Lick, suck, point your tongue and apply pressure, use it like a "miniature penis" under the glans, penetrating her as you go, make little circles with your tongue, lick up and down along the skin in front of the clitoris, up and down the inner vaginal lips, etc. These are ideas, find some others, listen to her responses and comments. Remember to GO SLOW --- I believe impatience and expectations of quick response are "generally recognized as" the most common error in sexual encounters. Eventually the clitoris will become probably become erect, and stimulation that is "more direct" (like enclosing your mouth on the area and gently sucking) will stimulate a sufficient amount of the organ in question to be interesting. Watch what you are doing, and what happens, the entire area will become "engorged" and swollen if things are proceeding closer to orgasm.

Some women may not, or may prefer not, to orgasm this way. Most will probably, however, enjoy the experience a great deal. Hopefully this "explanation and comparison" to the corresponding male body parts will allow you to not be (still) in the dark with the lights on.

Cunnilingus FAQ: Section Four or Cunnilingus FAQ