Today was Sunday so it was time for me to march my 18 political prisoners from their torture cells in my Abu Ghraib style basement to the industrial shower I use to wash them (the kind they use for livestock - but what are political prisoners other than livestock, really). They were forced via cattle prod into the holding area, the water was turned on (ice cold) for three minutes, and then they were paraded into a refrigerated area where one of my more mentally unstable friends beats them repeatedly around the head and torse for as long as twenty minutes before they are marched back to their cells. I love doing this to these people who used to be my neighbors and random liberals who wandered through the area "leaf peeping," which is a truly sickening activity done by liberals.
I had to take some time to survey the work being done on my Bible and Consitution theme park and then it was off to the Straight White Men's Cultural Center to watch a new film, Elves in America created by noted film maker Dineesh De Soto. During the film I met a lady named Gertrude and asked her out on a date.
As you know, my dating life hasn't been so good since my Honeymoon in 1978, so I'm very much in need of a seriously hard lay. I could fuck a moose most days and sometimes I do. A man has needs, even a bald man in his 80s who has a distended belly that has grown hard, as well as going from a deep purple in color to a black color. Fluid has also been leaking out through my belly button and my anus but it is nothing to worry about, despite what the great lie of modern medicine teaches us. There is a reason why I protest at the Capital building every spring holding up a sign "Death Camps for Doctors." It is what I believe in most of all.
Gertrude was confused. She'd wandered into the Straight White Men's Cultural Center by accident while looking for a place to urinate. She didn't expect to meet an available man like men while going to the bathroom, but this is a story we've heard before in our society. We began an April to May romance that has only just begun. I am hoping to shove my fingers forcefully into her vagina next weekend but haven't made a move yet.
Tomorrow I have to go to court on the charges stemming from me slamming an frail old man's head into the edge of a dumpster so hard that his brain shot out the back of his head. Wish me luck, my friends, and wish me luck with my new romance. Right now I need to work out some frustrations, which I will do by taking my neighbor's four year old son, giving him lemonade with Xanax in it, and then placing a burlap bag full of stones on top of his prone body and then placing my full weight on top of the bag of rocks. The sound of the child screaming and the way it feels as his bones snap one after another is so exciting and such a great stress reliever.
Thank you for believing in me and supporting me in all I do.
My friends.