Have you ever accidentally clicked on one of those online posts that says something along the lines of - 'I did a thing, here's how it went'? I'm just warning anyone who wants to get out now that I'm about to tell you about the thing I did, why I did it, and how it went. So here goes. Not long ago I was living in a fantasy world. This world included my ability to go to the stores, buy a lot of things, and not really keep track of anything. Neither of my children live with me anymore so I can no longer count on any checks from their dad for that, I'm technically entitled to a maintenance check, periodically he cuts it (without any advance notification), and I finally decided that I can be mad at him, or I can pretend that he no longer exists, and any checks I do receive aren't going to go into my budget. Once I started adding up my monthly expenses, I discovered that rent is about half of my take home pay. That's a lot, and that means I'm really glad to report the following.
I stopped buying groceries and started eating the food I already had at home. At first this wasn't too bad because I still had a lot of things that many might consider staples - milk, eggs, lunch meat, cereal, etc..., right away I had to fight myself when I drove past stores. I kept thinking, if only I had eggs, milk, whatever I had just run out of, I also started missing things and craving them. Juicy steaks, roasted chicken, dark chocolate. At work a towing company dropped off bags of really nice candy. I took it home with the noblest of intentions, got into it, and made myself fairly ill by gorging on that. My sister invited me over (this was this past Saturday), and initially I felt no desire to leave home, then I decided that getting out of the house might be good for me, and it would be nice to have someone else to go to church with so I drove out to her place. Church was fine, we went back to her house, and started talking. She said something that I found upsetting, but that led to an insight and change that I may get into later, no promises though.
One night I was bored and lonely so I called a guy I used to have a thing for or with, I'm not really sure what you would call it, but whatever, you get the idea. More than just a friend. He's been on a salad kick lately, he works at a place where he walks miles a day, usually 12-13, so he is active and needs something substantial to eat since he also works 10 hour days. While I was on the phone with him I started going through my fridge to see what I had, and what I could do with it. I sent him a snap of it, he asked a couple questions, and I got a lot out of that conversation. I have no idea how long the broccoli had languished, long enough to it to be limpish, ditto for the carrots, however, I still had an entire onion, and I chopped up part of that, toasted some rice, and made a risotto. It turned into 8 cups of food by the time I was done, and it isn't the most delicious thing I have ever had, but splashing salad dressing that I had bought on sale helped with the blandness.
I made a fabulous squash soup, cut up celery, chopped carrots, and even managed to get a nice large salad of torn butter lettuce, the carrots, and some wrinkled tomatoes that were still tasty enough into a Pyrex container. The next morning I opened my fridge and ate the salad for breakfast. While I was eating it my mind kept telling me that this was strange, but I kept eating it. I still have cups (not a typo) of sunflower seeds, so I've been liberally adding those to whatever I feel I can, there are times when it works, and others when it doesn't. I put all of my dried cranberries into a glass jar, and have gotten into the habit of sprinkling those onto or into things. Yesterday morning I still didn't have eggs, or milk, but I wanted something other than the things I had for breakfast. I'm ashamed to admit that I have had these apples long enough for them to wither, but I chopped them up along with some onion and celery, added spices, raisins, and served that over sausages. I have tea left from when I worked at the grocery store so I had a mug of that along with a glass of red wine (I used some of that in the apples).
Last night I had another long conversation with this guy, I don't know when he started watching cooking shows, but his advice has really been a Godsend. He doesn't have much money either, and it's just nice to hear a friendly voice when you are going through something that is difficult, probably especially so since this is largely self inflicted pain. He told me I was getting sick and I denied it at the time, I still think it is just a really bad allergy attack, but I do look and sound sick so there is a strong possibility that he is right. Thankfully nobody at work did any of those Secret Santa things, and neither of the two men I work most closely with got me anything either. A girlfriend ordered a travel mug for me after I broke my trusted ceramic one. I had only paid $1 for it years ago, but it was an old and trusted friend and I felt like crying when it shattered against the flooring near my desk.
I made another rice dish, it is really challenging to get things to taste like anything when you are ingredient challenged. So much of the food looks attractive enough, but once you get it into your mouth there isn't a lot of flavor or sensory input which apparently is something I prefer in food, hence the sunflower seeds for crunch, and the Craisins (TM) for a tiny burst of flavor/color. I'm not entirely sure when I started this, sometime last week, so it isn't as if I have been doing this for that long, but it has really opened my eyes and helped me see how much I spend on food, how much I waste, and what I actually have lying around. The good news is that I go home to a completely stocked fridge full of ready to eat meals. Another thing that helped was having so many glass dishes, and I am saying so many prayers that I stocked up on good quality spices when I worked at the grocery store. Spiced apples are really nothing without, you know, the spices.
Another thing I want to brag about is the cornbread I made. Now I know that some of you may be wondering why I am going to devote so many written words to this boxed cornbread mix, but I warned you right away that this was going to be like this, so keep reading, or leave if you have gotten this far. I buy King Arthur products when I can because despite the price, they consistently perform well and I believe them to be on par, if not superior, to products with traditional flour in them. I have no way of testing this, but there are a couple people at work who beg for those brownies, and everyone knows that whatever I bring in is going to be free of gluten and a lot of other things. One of the most critical components to me is the crust on cornbread. Quick breads are great in my opinion, easy to make, simple to serve, a nice way to use up bits and pieces of things, and I've had to give up on a lot of these over the years for various reasons, mostly due to food allergies or intolerances, but in certain cases, cost, or the inability to find a gluten free flour blend that consistently functioned the way I needed it to in recipes.
The cornbread box had been sitting on my shelf for a while, I like to keep a box or two of things like that in case I am ever asked to bring something anywhere, this time I was hungry, I was bored, I was tired of so many rice dishes, and I had everything I needed except the eggs. Since my oldest has an egg allergy I have dabbled with substitutes with varying degrees of success. I went online to do some research, I had chia seeds - again, so many seeds... :( but I also had one lone 4 ounce container of snack size applesauce, and a jar of bacon grease. Since I grew up in the deep South, I am used to really great cornbread. I remember it coming to the table piping hot, with the serving person's hand wrapped around layers of whatever was protecting it from the heat. After cutting it into wedges, we ate it with butter, and sometimes honey. Gluten holds things together, if you remove that your cornbread becomes dry and crumbly, it can be a challenge to get it moist enough even with traditional ingredients, so I was pretty proud that mine turned out as well as it did.
Here is my secret to getting a good crust on your bread. Your oven must be hot enough to bake the bread before it goes into the oven. I no longer remember the temperature, but it's hot, above 400 for anyone who uses the Fahrenheit scale. Once your oven is the correct temperature, drop bacon grease, or your preferred fat, into the cold pan, then stick it in the over until it melts and glides around your pan. I usually tip the pan to get an even coating, but you must work quickly or your pan will start to cool too much. Be liberal with the fat, do not skimp or I have no confidence that this will work for you. Add your batter to the pan, the box tells you to rest the batter, this time I did, but I don't prefer that. Pop your batter filled pan back into the oven and leave it there until you can really smell the cornbread, or your timer goes off. I feel as if my nose is a better indicator than the timer, but I try to set it regardless. Done right, you will get a crisp browned edge to your cornbread, and it makes all the difference to me. Essentially you are heating enough fat at a high enough temperature to get a deep fried effect. It's beautiful, and I'm excited to share this with you.
These are theories of mine, do with that what you will, but if you use enough fat, but the temperature is too low, it will make your edges greasy. If the temperature is right, but you lack sufficient grease/fat, you risk scorching your edges. Done properly, your edges will pull away from the pan just enough to make your pan easy to serve as well as clean. I used an 8 x 8 glass Pyrex pan which is probably older than some of the people reading this, but am relatively confident that similar results can be obtained regardless of what you use to bake your bread provided it is an oven safe container (I felt like that disclosure was important in case someone tries to come at me with some sort of foolishness). I've gotten my crust to turn out before, but what really surprised me about this batch was how moist the bread was once it was finished. More like a muffin consistency than a cornbread one. It took a bit to get past the chia seeds in there, and I'm really glad I didn't try to use them for both eggs, but along with the applesauce, which you can't taste at all (at least I can't), this ended up being my favorite recipe ever even if it is a bit on the sweet side.
It feels as if I am always cooking or making something which seems odd because I have fewer things to make than I did previously, but maybe I am still learning how to be a single person living by themselves, for the past 44 years I have been a part of some family unit, and it can be depressing to cook for just one person. I'm not used to it, it's hard to scale, and when I make things like this cornbread, that means I have to eat the entire thing which means indulging, or wasting if I can't preserve it. One of the blogs I read recommended writing down all the money spent on a single category such as food. I've been putting this off because I really don't want to go there. I have no interest in seeing how much I used to spend, or reliving those days. Perhaps at some future point in time I will face that past, but for today, it's a good feeling to have stayed out of stores for the most part. I did put gas in my car not long ago, but that's a purchase that needed to be made. I drive a lot, today I drove around for a while, and I could have saved some money by going straight home, but you have to live your life too. Change must be sustainable to last.
Another surprising thing is the foods I am craving. I thought it would be junk or treats, but after that salad, I was close to tears when I realized how badly I wanted another one. I'm also seriously in the mood for oranges, grapefruit, and persimmons which are so sweet and juicy this time of year. I want a beautiful piece of tenderloin, chicken that falls off the bone, Chinese Five Spice powder, I miss so many foods, and oddly, it makes me appreciate the things I do have, most importantly, the ability to cook, and be creative in the kitchen. Not every dish has been a smashing success, the broccoli that went into the risotto turned a sickly hue, but it tastes fine so I do my best to get through those meals. Initially I went through a period of despair, is this really my life? Has it come to this? How could I have been so stupid, foolish, wasteful, etc..., I went through many emotions, and continue to do so daily, even hourly, or by the minute. I was surprised by how this new lifestyle, if we can be generous enough to call it that, has made me view things so differently. I went to my mom's and was shocked by the amount of food she has stockpiled in her pantry.
I've been wanting to lose weight, get back in shape, manage my spending, give myself the life I want and need to live rather than taking the easier way out and letting Visa or Discover finance my fantasies for a while. But that never lasts. I'll get paid one final time in 2019, and I'm praying that I get some money from my mom for my birthday, typically I do, but I can't count on anything. I've thought about turning in my iPhone and going back to my older version, I could drop collision and comprehensive coverage on my car, but there are dangers associated with that as well. I could sell things that I own, get another part time job, try and find a roommate, go back to apartment or condo hunting, there are many things I can do and I'm fortunate to realize how many options I have. My credit card balance on one card is negative, go me, but the other is up to $1200 something, and that sucks. I'm not going to be too hard on myself since the money is spent, and almost $600 of that was dental expenses since I received a new crown and had some cavities filled, but I denied myself very little and am not proud of how haphazardly I behaved with the plastic during 2019.
My Discover card has a 5% back on groceries during 2020, and I can feel the insidious and seductive pull tempting me to spend more than I should. I got into some trouble with my Visa card, Discover allows you to use your accumulated rewards to pay your balance, but Visa does not, so I was charged a late fee plus finance charges since according to them, I hadn't really paid anything. That was another unpleasant surprise, however, after a call to them, they agreed to credit my account so I was able to get back the almost $60 that would have cost me. If you are ever charged something like that, at least call, the worst they can do is say no, and sometimes, like in this case, they will reverse fees and interest charges for you. My advice is to be humble, I was confused about the charges and said so, fortunately I have great credit, and a history of paying off my bill in full, but even if you don't, they may work with you, and if nothing else, you can take the lessons you learned from that experience forward. It's not a good feeling, but at least I faced that demon.
I would really like to be able to pay that balance off in full, but I don't see how that is going to be possible. I'm disappointed in myself, but also am profoundly thankful that I didn't dig myself into an even deeper hole. Work had told me I could sign up for flex spending, it turns out they didn't actually enroll me in the plan so that was frustrating beyond belief, ditto for 401(k), and I'm really going back and forth about how much I want to contribute. I think I will eventually drop my vision coverage, while keeping medical and dental since those are the ones that carry greater costs, and I actually use them. My dentist is terrific, and I am beyond thrilled with my new crown and fillings. Part of me wants to write a scathing review of the dentists who failed me previously, but I'm kind of over that grade school mentality even though in my opinion they have earned and richly deserve a roasting on the world wide web. The work is done, the money spent, and my mouth is happier than it has been in a long time. I had no idea how much daily pain I was in until it lessened substantially.
Life is good. I'm still taking a break from the dating scene, I was crushing on a guy at work and decided to let that go since he is either not interested, or not in a place where he wants to move forward, and I waffle as to which it is on a routine basis. The intellectual side of me can point to signs where he displayed interest, and the emotional side of me is secretly glad that I don't have to let anyone get any closer than he has. I talked to him for a bit the other day and it was a very flat conversation. I never know if that is because we are at work, he is in a mood, I'm reading things incorrectly, or there is something else going on that I don't know about. Whatever the reason, I'm letting go. No other person can really ever save or rescue you, it's a nice thought, they can enhance your life, add to it, subtract from it, but at the end of the day, you have to do the work to get the you that you want, desire, and deserve. I am the product of all the choices I have made, and to some extent, that's a pretty cool feeling. From time to time it is terrifying, but I am learning to better work with these feelings, emotions, and transient moods that can't last.
I would like to get back to writing more routinely, but I don't want to make any promises I'm unwilling to keep. But until we meet again, I wish you well.
Xoxo,
J
P.S. I haven't painted anything in a long time and it feels as if the blood in my hands is slowly drying like acrylics on the canvas. I can't wait to get back.
j