display | more...

Everything Day Logs
Yesterday | Tomorrow
Editor Log | Daily Evil | Dream Log

Everything Snapshot

Time: Tue, 26 Dec 2000 00:20:57 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) Debian/GNU mod_ssl/2.4.10 OpenSSL/0.9.4 mod_perl/1.21_03-dev

Number of nodes: 784672 (290 new since December 25, 2000 [636.2 wa7])
Number of users: 22057 (30 new since December 25, 2000 [47.7 wa7])
Number of links: 3010056 (6259 new since December 25, 2000 [9386.9 wa7])
Number of writeups: 435858 (101 new since December 25, 2000 [309.9 wa7])
Number of cools: 53029 (127 new since December 25, 2000 [172.9 wa7])
Number of votes: 1635293 (4386 new since December 25, 2000 [6420.5 wa7])
Number of hits: 27078456 (82912 new since December 25, 2000 [114052.3 wa7])

Node to user ratio: 35.575 nodes per user
Link to node ratio: 3.836 links per node
Link to user ratio: 136.467 links per user
Link to writeup ratio: 6.906 links per writeup
Votes to cools ratio: 30.838 votes per cool
Cools to user ratio: 2.404 cools per user
Hits to user ratio: 1227.658 hits per user

New Nodes: [Just Say No] [Concept II] [What's It Like to Live on Death Row?] [Talking like a pirate is fun but annoys people] [Riverside Boat Club] [The Everything People Registry : Canada : British Columbia] [E2 nuke request] [E2 nuke request] [Jubilee Line] [Swiss Cottage] [Fallen Horses] [Henley-on-Thames Royal Regatta] [puredang] [Road Man] [single]

Users Online (32): [Uberfetus] [The Custodian] [perdedor] [break] [mcc] [Jinmyo] [Wuukiee] [achan] [baffo] [Eco] [TW] [briiiiian] [vivid] [dead] [Phyllis Stein] [semprini] [Aresds] [WyldWynd] [Sirius] [anemotis] [dreamwalker] [sid] [salimfadhley] [incarnadine] [Fushi Ryu] [Schmoe] [Professor Clingerman] [legolog] [Evandar] [eponymous] [Holly] [Golem]

JeffMagnus node count: 4067 (1 new since December 25, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience: 10163 (-12 more since December 25, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 2.499 XP per node
JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.519% (Via alternate method: 0.934%)
JeffMagnus node of the day: Microsoft

*sniffing the smell of food in the air*

The smell of my uncle's world famous fajitas fills the air more by the second. Food is almost ready and the gifts have been given. Mom won't get away from the DVD player I got her. Dad is installing Windows ME thinking it will fix his slow internet connection. I've done all the free Tex-Support I can give. It's about time to head home soon and once again start the Christmas shopping. Fun was had by all, even my cat JarJar Binks. He ran and played in the wrapping untilhe just layed down in the middle and went to sleep.
What ever God is, I thank him for these beautiful family days.

Happy holidays, yo.

Christmas was great. There was only one bad thing about it this year – my brother and his IBS troubles. He was in a lot of pain, poor guy. It’s hard to enjoy the moment when the person you’ve been sharing it with every year since infancy is so ill he can do no more than curl up into a ball and wait for the prescription Zantac to kick in. I patiently ate English muffins while waiting for the pills to do their thing. Eventually everything was fine, though, and I was able to begin on my stocking now that Adam was feeling up to it.

Watching people open their presents is almost more fun than opening your own. Adam got one of those tech deck mini skateboard things, which he loves to pieces for some reason. He was as excited as a seven year old would have been. I got a ton of U of M paraphernalia, and quite a few Hello Kitty knickknacks. A brand new purple Mentadent toothbrush was the highlight of the morning. I love toothbrushes.

I made copies of every Prodigy cd I own for my dad, and printed out my own personal revised versions of the cover art to go along with them. He was pleased, and I was happy with his happiness. Now he will stop being polluted by Celine Dion every day on the way to work. I also bought him the nicest edition of Dune that was the be found at any bookstore, which he was content to stare at for several minutes. It’s his favorite book, although the copy he owns in held together with scotch tape older than I am.

I had purchased several Manchester beverage, double old fashioned, and juice glasses for my mother. The cooler glasses weren’t in stock at the time, but I expect them to arrive sometime next year. All the glasses we have now are as old as the afore mentioned scotch tape.

For my brother, I compiled a lovely cd of the most elite techno bass available to man. He was happy to have an excuse to sit in his car and listen to it get pumped through his sub woofers.

I received insane amounts of clothes, all of which I love. Usually my parents don’t have much luck picking out wearable items for me, but they did extremely well this year. Most of it was AéroPostale, the Gap, and various non-famous brands. My dad decided it would be funny to call AéroPostale Air-o-prostate. Now whenever I look at the name, that’s all I see.

I also got a kick ass portfolio for lugging around all my in-progress artwork, instead of just throwing it in my trunk and hoping nothing happened. I opened it up to inspect the inner dimensions, and was surprised to find it full of canvases, sketchbooks, dozens and dozens of tubes of acrylic paint, every size paintbrush imaginable. and every other art supply I could have wished for. I never would have been so extravagant with my own hobbies, but my parents indulge me so. I spent the morning trying to decide if I could bring myself to get paint all over such beautiful brushes.

Went over to my grandmother’s house around one o’clock. Adam had to stay home due to his tummy problems, and my dad didn’t want to leave him alone and sick on Christmas. Had a good time, ate a lot of red velvet Christmas cake, and listened to my cousin (Kelly) talk about her upcoming move to Brazil to become an English teacher. Her boyfriend is a tri-athlete d00d who does the Iron Man every year, and that’s his mother country. They’re gonna get married eventually, I think. My other cousin, Buffy, was showing her new boyfriend off to the family. She manages to have a new one every year, as well as a new kid. She’s still losing a lot of weight, and I’m still not used to seeing her with those breast implants. She and her former husband just got divorced after a rather messy fallout involving suing and money-grabbing. I was disgusted with the entire situation. Her entire existence is based on appearances.

Made the drive home from Muskegon down Lakeshore instead of the highway. I fell asleep while listening to Andrew Lloyd Webber’s wife singing in Italian. That makes for some interesting dreams.

Now I am here awaiting word from my Aaron. Maybe Pikachu is home.

When China came into Tibet and took over
A&E tells me that 25% of the population were nuns or monks
25%!

24 hours ago, my mother woke me up from a sound sleep on a green chair under a white sheepskin blanket.
I had thunder in my head and guiness on my pants. I had a bruised knee from wrestling
wrestling!
on the floor of the night gallery at a show the night before
with an ex-coworker.

I feel like a very bad man

X-mas went well, and it's good to be home, but the television and my weakness for imported malt products are making the holidays a very dangerous time indeed, ethically speaking. Saturday, my Isis comes down from the north country. I get to find out what's up with my romantic life, or lack of it, then.

I entered this Christmas fearing the worst. But along the way I received the two most touching gifts I have ever received in my life. I don't know if i will ever really be able to express just how much they mean to me.

In my whole, "This is going to be so depressing." mood I managed to put off sending other peoples cards out. And, seeing what the cards i did receive did for me I wish I had of sent the rest of my friends cards out on time. They are ready to go in the mailbox Tuesday. I'm sorry I didn't get them to you by today.


Thank you Dana. Thank you Miller. You both touched my heart and made this a Christmas I will never forget.

The usual Christmas activities for the RimRod family, being Jewish and all: RimRod Family Movie Day!

We saw Miss Congeniality, which was a HELL of a lot better than I expected it to be.

Took a nap, then dinner with all the other Jews at a local Chinese restaurant. Gotta love 'em.

Saw The Emperor's New Groove at night with friends, only because ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE was open on Christmas Day and we'd seen all the other movies already. We were originally going to see What Women Want, but opted for the ***1/2 children's movie over the **1/2 chick flick. A good decision, in my mind, as it was very funny indeed.

Das' about it. Basically everything was overshadowed by yesterday's great evil. See here.
The Gods of mass-consumerism have been sated. My wonderful (spoiled) kiddies have trundled off to play with their newly-obtained loot. My wife and I were given the gift of 550 yards of shredded gift wrapping and a few bows by our kids. No, correction: that and the laughter and smiles. We've overspent again, but I'd rather spend the excess on the kids than hanging out in a bar on a daily basis. We invested in more family things this year too, so our three times per week Family Night should be a lot more enjoyable. I hope your holidaze went well too!

/me wishes Demeter luck

Christmas Eve

i had to work. get there at 7:00 am and get started. Grizz arrives an hour later. Despite being at work on Christmas Eve, it was an absolutely amazing day. Got home around 3:30pm, and finally got to chill out with Man. Went to dinner, got Chris a $50 Outback Steakhouse gift certificate, and then bought wrapping paper to wrap the last of Jenn's gifts. Rented four movies, bought four bottles of wine, and some firewood. Man and I watched movies in front of a fire that wanted to roar, but the logs were a slight bit damp. As usual, I fell asleep during the movies.

Christmas Day

Wake up and realize that I forgot to turn the dryer on after I put my clothes in. This is happening far too often. Either I forget to close the lid of the washer and it never starts, or I forget to turn on the dryer. I feel like I'm thinking slowly (imagine a big bowl of mashed potatoes. insert a drinking straw into the mashed potatoes and blow bubbles. blub... .. blub. ... blub. that's how quickly my brain is working ). Start the dryer, hop in the shower, let Man sleep in a bit later than he would have if I hadn't forgotten the laundry. Go to Jenn and Chris'.

Jenn and I made dinner: pan-seared New York Strip in gravy, with twice-baked potatoes. Everything was from scratch, including the ice cream we had for dessert. Yum. Then we make margaritas and shoot the shit until it's time to get back home.

Man and I watch the last movie we didn't get to last night. I fall asleep during it. Eventually, Man has to head home to prepare for the coming work week. I try to cuddle up and be cute to get him to stay but it only works for about an half hour. He leaves and I fall asleep on the couch.

The Day After

Wake up at 6:30, walk the cozmo, smoke a cigarette, and decide I'm just too tired to go into work quite yet. So I set the alarm ahead and hour and lay down. What seems like two seconds later, the alarm is making its annoying sound, and I finish my morning routine and head to work. Arrive there at 7:50 am. Make coffee, drink ]coffee], start on some stuff, drink more coffee, have a cigarette.
I didn't want anything for Christmas

Well, that's what I said, at least. I would have enjoyed getting a few books, or maybe a new beard trimmer, but I wasn't thinking of those things when my parents (the only people I figured I'd get presents from this year), asked me what I wanted.

"Maybe a coffee maker," I said. "Actually, on second thought, I don't think I even have any place in my kitchen where I could put one, so I don't know, anything."

So christmas morning, I got through some very decent gifts of fine clothing, to the last box. It was big, and I knew it was a coffee maker.

I tried to hide the look of disappointment on my face from my family. It wasn't that I don't want a coffee-maker, I just don't feel like I need one. I usually don't have time to get up and make coffee before I go to work, and there's already one at the office which spews out some of the most nasty brew I've ever drank. I rarely have the time or the inclination to brew a pot at home (much less clean the pot), and I'm the only person in the house who drinks it.

I realized I should have been more assertive in telling my mom that the wish for a coffee maker was a mistake. "DON'T get me a coffee maker," I should have said. "I already have more than what I need, and I don't know where to put it all...don't weigh me down with more stuff, please."

It's not that I'm not grateful to them for getting me something I said I wanted. It's not that I don't appreciate a generous gift. I've never taken back a gift someone gave me, but now I'm wondering whether to make an exception. If I take this coffee maker out of its box, It's going to be used only occasionally, but will constantly be additional clutter in my kitchen. If I don't take it out of the box, I'll still have to put it somewhere (prolly the attic or garage), and I'll wonder what the point of having gotten it was. A few years from now, I may buy a house with more room, and I can use it then, but it seems silly to be carrying around a superfluous coffee maker until then. After all, in the 8 years I've been drinking coffee regularly, I've never owned a coffee maker, and I've done fine for myself.

I'm not disappointed that I got a coffee maker when I really wanted something else. Sure a few interesting books or a new beard trimmer might have been nice, but I hardly NEED those, either. I'm really disappointed by myself. That I made myself such a hard person to shop for, only to have someone give me something that actually does more to inconvenience me than anything else. That I didn't just tell my parents to take whatever they were going to use to buy me presents this year and give some durable shoes to people who don't have any.

Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad. I love you, but I hate this coffee maker.

Lately I've been listening to The Beatles a lot and I can't seem to find my sanity. It's as though my life revolves around one person and it sucks! I'm changing that, no more revolving, fuck that, I need something better than that. Kenata, I know what you mean, I should go find my love, but I fear that she has already left me.

Surprise.
I am tired. My flight left L.A. at 10:00 pm, and landed at JFK in N.Y. at 6:00 local time. That makes it 3:00 a.m. on my body clock. I got a cab home, only to find myself locked out. Damn the wimmin I live with. If both locks are are taken care of, there is no need to use the bolt, especially since there is no key for it.

This is my pet peeve. I don't like feeling accountable for my comings and goings, we are all adults and cohabitation should not include any sort of monitoring or responsibility for each other.

I had to wake Dina up so she could let me in, and believe me it is not fun to stand outside in 15 degree weather in a grey hooded sweatshirt knocking on your friends window so she will wake up and let you into your own house.

Shower, change, subway, work. Notice there is no mention of sleep. I am one of those people who need to shut down every night, and I am not functioning properly right now. That is, I am sitting at my desk, upright, but my thought process is none too logical, and scrap any notion of productivity for today.

New York is a frigid awakening at 27 faranheit, after a week of 60+ balminess. I'll be okay. It's good to be home.

I woke up very early after a night of heavy boozing with some females we met at the bar . I felt horrible but ready to work a double shift hungover. I'll never drink again I told this stranger as she was getting ready to leave. We said goodbye, as she was leaving I recalled I never got her name, or if I did, I forgot it.

I showed up at work, not remembering I was scheduled for the night shift so I went home, usually on Tuesday I work both. Oh well. Can't go back to sleep so I decided to read some nodes.

After reading I must hack and the cracking nodes I realized it had been a while I had committed a crime on the computer. I decided to get root on a random foreign university server just to see if I still had it. Twenty minutes later I'm in. I gained access via an *old* phf.cgi bug. I could execute remote commands via an URL string. 'id' showed me as user nobody. The site had X running so with xhost +server.name i executed an xterm -display my.box:0 and succesfully had a working shell to play with and not mess with those damn URL strings and % format characters, what a pain. After exploiting an old bug in Oracle, I had a working .rhosts a la root. Game over. I patched the phf.cgi and deleted the .rhosts and logged off after erasing my presence from utmp* and wtmp*.

All systems crackers should have a catch and release policy if you ask me.
Usually, I'm at home for a little bit in the morning, and by the time I get home from work it's dark, and I can't see the dust in the corners and the cracks in the walls of the house, and I'm too tired to be interested in impromptu home improvement projects. After living with all the crookednesses and imperfections for the past few months, we've been wondering whether we'd overpaid for it. We bought it in April at the height of the local real estate market boom, when any ad you found in the paper was for a house that was already sold. We ended up buying an oversized 1908 semi-Victorian with all major systems in working order, but still in need of serious TLC.

We've been keeping a lot of the radiators turned off to cut down on our heating oil use, but this backfired on Friday when a radiator valve in the bathroom (which had been leaking only gently) abruptly gave way, releasing several gallons of water into the guts of the bathroom floor, which proceeded to leak profusely into the kitchen, forming a dripping eight feet of (formerly) drywall seam. After an emergency call to a random plumber from the yellow pages, my husband figured out that if we opened up the valve, the leaking stopped. Emergency averted for now.

Because I've been spending more daylight hours at home over the holidays, I've been noticing lots of little things that don't make themselves known or seen in the evening when all those cracks and smudges are hidden by darkness. This morning, I decided, again in an attempt to save heat, to fix the latch on the attic door. Because the door doesn't really close securely without being locked, the cats have figured out how to open it in order to hang out in our carpeted but unheated attic. All the heat that usually pools on the second floor has been escaping upstairs through the open door. I removed the old door latch and opened up the case. I also removed and opened a working door latch from the bedroom that we use as an office, thinking that if the first one was irreparable, I could just switch them. No go on the switch -- the channel in the office door won't accomodate the lockset from the attic door.

When I open both locksets, I discovered that a spring was missing in the one for the attic, and it prevented the latch from extending into its neutral, "door closed" position. I painstakingly fashioned one from an old bobby pin. It worked! It obediently retracted with a turn of the doorknob and popped back out on release.

I reinstalled both locksets in triumph, only to discover that the strike plate on the attic doorframe is positioned in such a way that the latch can't set into the hole in the frame, so the door still won't stay shut! My husband says, in an "I told you so" sort of way, that the door has warped enough to move the latch out of alignment --it's only by a measly millimeter, but it's enough to prevent the latch from snapping into place. More wasted effort. Argh.

It has been one of the best Christmases in years. Stupidly, I am feeling really contrary because I just won an argument with my three-year-old nephew. He was putting his hands in the juice and I told him to "stop it" and he wouldn't. He then started throwing a fit and running to my sister. I felt so mean. Then he is like "aunty won't let me play!" even though I had been playing with him all day. It was an awful feeling to dissapoint him that much. I guess adults are "like that" for a reason.

My new step-sister is great. She is totally into living her dreams and very natural around everyone. I also got along with my brother's new girlfriend pretty well. They have only been dating for two months and he is already going to ask her to marry him. She is also almost ten years younger than him (which makes her my age). Anyway, she is nice, and I heard her being kind of bitchy about getting her bridesmaid dress and liked her even better.

Somewhat of an uneventful Christmas in comparison to last year's.
I am here alone with my grandmother. My parents are in Florida, my Love is in Halifax, my sisters are elsewhere. We had a dinner yesterday, but today, it's been rather quiet. I suppose it's better than spending Christmas and New Year's Eve alone and drinking wine and champagne. Yes, I've done that before. It was when I was in my second year of studies and turmoil enveloped my life. My Love at the time resented me, I didn't want to spend time with my family, I was generally unhappy. My, how times have changed.

This afternoon, I find myself watching Oprah once again because I can. It was about how couples had to rearrange their lives as well as their attitudes once they have children. It's a different way of living after you have a child.

I think about my life. Most of it, I don't want to divulge, because it's too private. I need to talk to my Love. I miss her dearly.

She's coming tomorrow to Toronto, and my life will be so much more fulfilled because of that.

My Christmas was truly wonderful. Best thing of all, my son worked very hard and thoughtfully to make the holiday special to me. His consideration and care filled my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I am truly blessed as a parent.

Christmas at my parents' house usually borders on a nightmare quality - my parents relationship and communication ideal are rather like that of George on Seinfeld. But this year, my mother didn't drink, and neither did my least favorite sister. I think that went a long way toward relative calm.

Two of my nieces are new mothers of 9-month and 2-month baby boys. These are the first of the new generation. My nieces appear to be stellar moms themselves, and their children are joys.

My beautiful son (see above) played some kickass blues kazoo (like about 10 minutes of traditional-type blues, played wah-wah style with his hands over the kazoo a la trumpet) for the babies - the babies loved it.

anyhoo, I worked xmas eve (quiet) I was off xmas, spent the morn @my house opening presents -

  1. Sony FM headphones, so I can listen to my music anywhere in the house - pretty damn good sound through them too, considering there's no wires...
  2. money (havn't got it yet, dunno exactly how much) - basically, I couldn't decide what else to get, so I asked for £££££
  3. chocolate
  4. chocolate
  5. chocolate
  6. chocolate
  7. GEB!!! yay!!! I asked for this from pigpoo's Mum&Dad, and they got it 4 me!!! ;-) I've only started it, but I'm in love...
  8. Some adam sandler videos. cool. ;-)
  9. Aphex twin albums, can't remember the names jus now... later

I can't remember everything else, but I will later, I promise. ;-)

about 1300, me and pigpoo got a lift from mum over to her house, in Rutherglen, for xmas dinner. It was pretty nice, even with neds hitting the house w/ snowballs...

went to bed, woke up and went to work. :(

It was pretty quiet again today, surprising since it's boxing day and the sales started... hmmmm

still coughing and spluttering, I somehow made it home after work on a ridiculously full bus.

Time for dinner.

Boxing day dinner was - prawn cocktail (mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm), ham w/ cloves (yummy), red cabbage, cranberries mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, pototototoes.

played Smackdown 2 for a while, (my lil bro got it for xmas) I just kick soooooo much ass at that game...

If Ya Smell-La-La-La-La-La-La-LA!
What The Rock!
Is!
Cookin'!

11:14PM

I woke up several times. I didn't get much sleep. There was too much noise and nowhere comfortable to sleep on my side.

I finally woke up at around 2pm, packed up my stuff and was about to leave when my dad pulls up bringing uncle over. I wasn't feeling too well, so I wished him well and went anyway.

I took care of my car bill at the post office, and stopped by to see a friend on the way back. I spent about two hours there.

By the time I got home it was 7pm, and I remembered it was a Tuesday, which is pool night. I checked my answering machine and had a message from CR asking if I was going to come along.

I went and spent about 3 hours there. I'm getting better each time. Sometimes I'm making shots without doing much aiming now. When I do take the time to aim, my chances are usually pretty good now.

CR was kind of stressed out; he just went steady (is that what we still call it?) with a pretty young lady he had been hanging around closely with for a while; however, his old girlfriend (who he broke up with a month ago) is going postal. I tried to give him some good words, but I know nothing of these situations to be of much help.

So here I am. I'm all caught up on my daylogs. I'm pretty tired, I don't expect to do much this week since everyone will be gone.

I assume Sara will be back after new years, so maybe I will give her another call (read: leave her another message) on Sunday night to let her know I was thinking about her. I'm kind of nervous about this relationship thing now, I can see from CR's troubles what kind of problems it can cause if you go out with someone who is part of a large group of friends. Oh well, I'll give it a try anyway...

This day after Christmas has been very satisfying. The tree is on and the whole family is sleeping. All manner of new delights are strewn about. I am sipping pinot grigio. My stocking is flat and my tummy is not. We had left over ham and those funny green beans cooked in mushroom soup with fried onions from a can. I have heard so much Christmas music I am almost tired of it, but his year we have expanded our collection with some really cool jazz and blues from the radio. We now have nine and a half hours of Christmas joy, every off the wall, blues or jazz number we could find with no Bruce or Barbara to muck it up.

I have been making really amazing foods and scarfing them in hedonistic delight with my husband. Cranberry bread, left over pork tenderloin strips marinated in lime and garlic, simmered in hot enchilada sauce and rolled in a tortilla with fine sharp cheddar and a drizzle of plain yogurt to take the edge off. Oatmeal raisin cookies and egg sandwiches with the yolk just right (my husband insists on runny yolk for dipping, I need solid with a bit of mush to it). Chicken pot pies with basil crust. Crusty bread baked with spinach that has been simmered in lemon juice and six or seven cloves of minced garlic. Kalamata olives. Feta. Fresh oranges so cold they shock my teeth, so juicy they embarrass me.

We have been drawing with new colored pencils. Taking turns on the sit ‘n spin. Playing with puppets, beating our drum. Watching home videos of long loving pans of the bookshelf, shots of the floor, Katie dancing in prism rainbows to the Sesame Street theme song.

We stayed up last night and laughed until two, making love in front of the Christmas tree, listening to old audio tapes we made of our life before we got married or had children. Apparently we taped what can only be described as a “home improvement party”, our friends in one room discussing the finer points of rolling a blunt, telling stupid jokes with long set ups, laughing while we run the vacuum in the other room. While listening to this it struck Jay and I as funny that we were off vacuuming while our friends were waiting for us to join them. When it would get quiet in the other room we might have been off polishing something (“we can’t party ‘til these spots come off this glass!”) We were such frightened and ridiculous new homeowners. What a learning experience that was. I used to stand in the middle of my “backyard” and freak out on the amount of space that we had all to ourselves. I thought of it as more than nine acres. It was really millions, all stacked up right on top of each other. I owned it all the way to the core of the earth. (Well, perhaps.)

The family is still strange. Grandma is stable but still on a respirator. When I called the family gathering it was really strange. My parents did not ask to speak with me. Grandpa is freaked out and sounds tired. Everyone is edgy. Who knows what any of them really think about anything? They are very confusing and I really don’t know them very well at all. Am I supposed to make more of an effort because I was the one who moved out of state? Because I am younger? Because otherwise they sit around and keep score. They do not really hear me. I probably don’t hear them. Maybe I should not worry about it, but it is hard not to. Even when everything else in the world is going right, there is still that apprehensive sense of ‘what now’ whenever I deal with my relatives.

I decided to make a writeup about my day - this was my third attempt. My backspace key is being used quite a bit. Every time I try to recant my day all that comes are tears. No, nothing bad happened - but on the same note, nothing good happened - Nothing, even when I tried to be a jackass of a catalyst. I keep experencing this too - day after day, but that fact has only really recently set in.

Too my knowledge there is no real word that can describe my feelings; "Indifferent", "Indecisive", "Lossless", "Hopeless", etc. Just dont work. Nothing dose - Theres an odd irony in that. The best way to describe it however, at least as far as I'm concerned is that feeling some have when in meditation, when you and the world seperate. But thats still not close.

Perhaps I have a death wish, but I question that. Death would not make any difference, No one would remember me - no one would care. Seucide is in a seperate plane, done by a different kind of person. I too lazy to kill myself, but if someone wants to kill me feel free.

I just would'nt care. I would'nt care - thats it.... or is it? But now I have a feeling I'm using the wrong word again, * sigh *. Why do we communicate vocally, when vocally we cant communicate? I guess we just diddent care about making somthing better.

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.