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I've looked over a number of my past nodes on here and I'm quite aware of how much has changed about me and how much I've been through during the last decade. Some of my more personal pieces are bold and very different from who I am today. This is both good and bad, since I'm still in the throes of mental problems, loss of connection and a feeling of worth in the world, and a heavy dose of just straight up confusion. I feel as if I've had multiple lives that progressively worsened due to my idiocy as well as unusual circumstances, but if ever manage to find my way back to a better, more whole self identity, I would appreciate even more all the different experiences I've had and people I've known. Perhaps I'll be able to write again, better than I used to and better than I do these days- which is a lot of hit and miss.
Trying to work on looking outside of myself more, and being more positive. -But I still will say I'm a whiney mess, out of touch and one of the dumbest "intellectuals" around, as Bill Maher might say.
Some think I'm a liar. Some say I'm a chameleon, which I find much less wrong. I long to connect and miss the feeling of love so I try to connect too desperately sometimes.
I'm a work in progress, but there's a quite a mass of pylons surrounding me.
I'm supernaturally good at saying things wrong a lot.

"The shortest distance between two points is under construction." ~I forgot who said this.


I also have started praying more again. I need to because I'm lost and scared. The higher power has plans for me and for you. We all matter, even when we feel we matter the least.


THE ROAD AHEAD
By Thomas Merton

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road...
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone...


The world is suffering so much right now and we need God to be with us. I send out prayers of peace, love, hope, and comfort. May everyone have a better year in 2021.

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