Happy birthday to me! I thought this would be a lot scarier than it is. I ran out of my B Complex vitamins, this is one of the most important things I take, and when I'm aware that I haven't taken them I can tell by the way my mood deteriorates and how my energy reserves seem depleted regardless of how much I've eaten. Work is the last place I want to go on my birthday, but I'm going to go buy those stupid vitamins because they help, and it's even dumber to deny myself something my body and brain seem to need. I've experimented with different brands and combinations in the past, unfortunately there's one brand that seems to work the best, I've had trouble accepting this because they're some of the most expensive, but they also work so there is that to consider. This company manufcatures a multivitamin called Perfect Calm, I've taken that for years, I've also tried Perfect Energy, but I haven't had as much success with that. Years ago I went to an MD who told me I was taking too many B vitamins. Maybe she's right, but I seem to function so much better when I layer Perfect Calm with that B Complex. It's the only time I wonder if this is how people who don't have some of the issues I do feel on a regular basis, it's pretty amazing.
Last night I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine who helped me discover the MBTI personality profiling system. Our initial conversation was hardly profound, I've been thinking about people and events that were game changers this past year. I thought about doing a heroes and villains breakdown, but then I decided to do what I always do and just write whatever comes most naturally as sometimes I learn things I didn't know about myself and others. This morning I spent some time reading up on types that are close to mine. A main character of mine is an INTP, I'm more familiar with this type as I think I remember learning that I was in the middle of the P and J scale, whenever I read about this type I find myself nodding along although there are a few discrepancies. Today I read more about the INFJ, this type also makes a lot of sense to me as I do have compassion for others, I wouldn't say I'm incredibly empathetic, but I am strongly motivated to make the world a better place and I do have a very strong value system. I also have some of their weaknesses, this is true for the INTP flaws as well, I have stacks of books laying around and can ignore them for long periods of time while I'm in my inner oblivious world.
Another pivotal person in my life this past year has been my unicorn friend. She's an ENFP, I find her simply fascinating, her breezy energy revitalizes me, her insights astonish me, she helped me get through a very difficult situation at work, and I'll always be eternally grateful to her for the support and encouragement she gives me. She's the person who tells me that I am or am not a certain way, it doesn't ever sound like she's judging me, it's more of an observation than a condemnation. Like my ENTP friend above they take pieces of a larger puzzle and bring them together in a way that can make a lot of sense to me. She's one of the few women I really trust, I feel like I could tell her anything, and think I probably have whether she wanted to hear it or not. I need nurturing and she's one of the people I can count on getting it from. She affirms me, validates me emotionally, she also makes me feel like I can learn how to have more fun and just relax. She's very soft and I admire that about her, I respect her intuition, I love giving her little presents and hope she understands that she doesn't owe me anything in return, that really is just a fun thing for me, I think she gets it even if others may not.
Back in January of 2016 I was going to figure out how to manage my money better. That's usually an ongoing goal of mine, but after I met a guy who was into finance and tracking I really got into it. I'm pretty sure he was a fellow INTJ mainly because he exhibited all the main qualities and nothing else really makes sense to me. My therapist never cared for him and I sort of understood her perspective, but not really. I think she thought I was attracted to him because of his physical features when what I liked most and best about him was the way that his mind works. Every December third I think about him, I don't often meet men who are as well dressed as he is, since we have such similar coloring I knew that whatever looked good on him would be something I could pull off as well, I'm more casual while he's more formal, but it was a ton of fun to see someone who came up with the color and texture combinations he did. I remember talking to him about it, he didn't smile often, when he did it was cute and shy. Another friend of mine can't understand why voice is such a turn on for me, his was sexy, I can still hear it when I close my eyes and think back to the last time I saw him.
This is a distasteful memory, but no reflection is complete if only the better memories are included. I had an immediate and intense reaction to the new chiropractor when I met him for the first time. I did not like that guy and nothing he did was right as far as I was concerned. He had to be an F type and I wonder if he was an S type as well. I could see ISFP working for him, he had no idea how to handle me and I wasn't about to giving him anything he could use as leverage. Other intuitives typically make me feel internally calm, there's a type that disturbs that peace and they don't have to say a word, I just feel the wrongness of whatever it is that they're projecting. I like most sports and I could tell that this guy was athletic because he had the kind of body you don't get in the gym. He was very good looking, but it was wrong, wrong, wrong, and I knew it. I could have predicted that would end catastrophically and sure enough, it did. I'm still angry when I think about how I was treated by him and his boss, I should have sued them or at the very least complained, but they're in the past and I hope that's where they stay.
Fortunately for me I was typically able to layer my chiropractic and PT appointments. I've probably heard more about my former PT than any other person in my life this past year. I'm pretty sure he's another INTJ, rarely does someone make one hundred percent sense to me, almost immediately the barriers came down, he made me feel better about myself, I wonder if he has some F tendencies as well, I suspect that he does, maybe he has some P in him too, but these are lesser qualities because most of the time the J is very obvious to me. He's much quieter than he was when I was his patient. He's grown, he's made mistakes, and I know that as a perfectionist and an idealist, and a purist, he is very hard on himself. The more time I spend with him the fewer questions I have, I recently read an article on love while I was doing some research for a friend of mine, the author had a theory that silence creates love, and I want to flip that around and say that love creates the silence. We don't need to talk to the other person, he has a way of greeting me or saying goodbye that tells me I'm a special person in his life. Being understood and accepted like that is super cool. I hope he feels it too.
2017 was the year that my oldest daughter turned sixteen and got her first real job. We had a rocky start, especially as she went back to school. I think she is ESXX, the last two letters are hard for me because I can see both F and T as well as J and P in her. Because of our differences we tend to get along better than her and my youngest who is pretty much a carbon copy of me although she is much more introverted and I suspect more intuitive than I am. I could see F and P tendencies in her as well, but she's too classically INTJ for me to mistake those characteristics. I remember my therapist telling me to move and now I'm thankful that I listened to her wise advice. It can take me a ridiculously long time to see what others are perceiving or thinking, we are very opposite in most areas, I think this is why we get along and she's so wonderful for me, she helps fill in the gaps for me and she spells out the hard truths because she knows I can handle them and actually prefer that style of communication. I miss her, I think she'll be proud of the efforts and progress I've made with the girls and our family life at home.
Another person who I'm grateful for is my friend who encouraged me to start taking more day trips. I hope I always remember the night we went to Cedarburg together. He's extremely empathetic as is another woman I met this summer. I call her my angel friend with butterfly wings. She wants to protect me, and I hate feeling as if that's something I need from others, but admit she is right at times. She listens to me, we joke around with each other, I wonder if she is an INFP and if that type of an insight would be at all valuable to her as the part where they wear themselves out doing things for other people really seems to fit her to a T. The stress disorders, joint trouble, the way she internalizes things, her skin conditions, the softness and gentleness she showers on others and denies herself, every once in a while I get a glimpse of her inner world, she's willing to talk and to share things, I think she's keeping things hidden from herself out of fear. She's much stronger than she believes herself to be, I think about her often as she is one of the people in my life whose suffering feels like my own. She's a wonderful friend and I pray that whatever is going on with her gets resolved soon although I doubt that it will.
I don't really want to write about my dad, but I can be brave. This is my first birthday without him, he wasn't into celebrating them, I can't even remember the last time he acknowledged mine and somehow that's better than my mom who will probably either call or text today. Maybe 2018 will be the year I can finally accept that she is who she is and that she doesn't make sense to me and will never be able to meet any of the needs I have when it comes to her. I know I'm hard on her, but if I wrote out a very detailed plan of the worst ways to treat me and terrible things to do to me, an investigator would quickly realize that she already has this information. I think she's ISTJ, she judges me constantly whether it's the job I have, the men I like, the friends in my life, the food I eat or refuse, where I live, how I spend my money, the hobbies and interests I have, my fundamental personality, whatever it is she has a way to diminish, degrade, and deny. Imagine hearing that you chose the wrong major in college, married the wrong person, are parenting your children the wrong way, your hobbies are expensive, stupid, boring, and if only I could learn how to love camping, compulsive knitting, walk to work, and garden like a fiend, my life would improve.
By contrast my manager at work is the mom I really need and want. I know I could earn much more and my brain power is underutilized at work, but it's people like her that give me the things I don't get from very many others. I still want to cry when I think about the pictures in the calendar she gave me for my birthday. She tells me I'm smart, pretty, fun, she loves how I'm able to think about things in ways that didn't occur to others or weren't obvious to them. She's direct and tells me when I've made a mistake, I go to her immediately when I discover that something I said or did is going to possibly affect her. I've never been Catholic, but I believe that confession is good for the soul and the one time I held something back from her weighed heavily on my heart and soul. Going forward I will just tell her things and not listen to anyone who tries to tell me otherwise. I don't care what sort of trouble I get into for whatever I said or did, I can handle that. I am fundamentally a very truthful and honest person, even when that hurts me. I just feel better when I tell people the truth and at least as far as she's concerned I get credit for being a person of integrity which has also really helped me stabilize and grow.
Some of the best advice I received this past year was from a guy at work. The first time I met him is still very clear in my mind. I wonder if I really could predict who is likely to be an intuitive just by my reaction upon meeting them. Even before we said anything to each other, I remember seeing him and thinking that he was someone I wanted to get to know better because I had that sensation I get when I meet other intuitives. If life is a game, the intuitives have a similar set of rules that I do, we don't really have to talk to each other to communicate things, but, and this was a very valuable lesson to have learned as well, I have to be careful about how close I try to get to these types. I don't usually want people trying to get too close to me, there are exceptions, but they are few and far between. I made a huge mistake and I am still paying that price months later. I've covered that before, I don't really want to get back into it now. I wish him well, his advice to stop overthinking is still valid and continues to be more valuable as I realize how much of my time is wasted this way. Efficient people are cool and I like working with them. It's an honor and privilege to have people like that on the team at work.
Another person I want to mention is the woman who has been a friend of mine for many years. We don't often talk, but when we do we have a way of picking up where we left off, I need people like her in my life. She's detail oriented to the point of it being an art form, I'm not, but I can also pull her out of the details when they start bogging her down and overwhelming her just like she can say, hey, maybe the big picture is great, but what about these tiny things that make it up, have you considered any of those? She's an introvert, she's a thinker, I suspect she's also another intuitive, but she could be an S type. I think she may be a P rather than a J although I've seen that side of her as well. She's great with relationship issues whether it's a man, another woman, my children, authority figures at work, family members, she takes things in and just lets me vent without weighing in on anything prematurely. Before I purchased the socks for the guy at work I ran that gift idea past her, she thought it would be okay, and even though it will probably be a very long time before I buy anyone else socks, I'm still glad I went ahead with them. Everyone should own at least one pair of halfway decent socks that fit them well. Maybe I'll buy her a pair.
Even though I'm upset with her at the moment, I know I'll get over it and get back on better terms with my friend who sat up on the terrace with me this past summer. She's a drama queen, but she's also very loyal and she actively encourages me to rest and relax. I need that in my life which is probably why I'm routinely drawn to her. She's also able to see what I do well, I don't hear it often enough and tend to dismiss it when I do which is another thing I want to work on this upcoming year. Going to the library has replaced my terrace habit. It's too cold to sit up there although if the doors were open, I would. I just love it up there, the calm, the peace, the birds, the sun, the sky, I could live up there and sometimes I think I was more alive when I was up there even though I wasn't getting anything done. I'm not always as productive as I would like to be mainly because I sit around thinking of these grand schemes and plans and then find that real life is messier and less sleek and organized than my mental musings which can also get chaotic on occasion. Thinking is good, but I want to be better about balancing it with doing things too.
***
And now it's time for a list of things I want in 2018:
- Get back to planning out my week ahead of time.
- Get back into my daily routine of walking.
- Get back into my daily habit of reading.
- Get back into meal planning.
- Find budgeting help.
- Get serious about finding a puzzle table.
- Do something artistic at least once a week.
- Play games with the girls or my friends at least once a week.
- Talk to my manager about my schedule at work.
- Take one class a month.
- Write more poetry.
- Get an editory.
- Finish more books. Don't start new ones until a previous one is finished.
- Get back to church.
- Reduce interactions with people who are harmful or hurtful to me.
- Continue to learn more about myself and others.
- Practice more gratitude and acceptance.
- Let go...
***
Peace, joy, love, and compassion,
Jessica J
P.S. I'm grateful to everyone who reads things I've written. Sometimes I think writing is one of the things that keeps me partially sane.
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