December 31, 2006

My Christmas present from swankivy in 2005 was the Insult a Day 2006 desk calendar. Each day featured a different insult -- a a good many of them are about President Bush. I don't feature many here because most of them weren't that funny, but a good lot of them were from writers to other writers. For my final daylog of 2006, as dusk falls on yet another year in our lives, I'd like to share with you the best of these insults to fill you with warm, holiday cheer.

And if you don't like it, you're just a unintelligent, humourless, disgusting, smelly buttmonkey!

Let the insulting begin!!

• Friday, January 13, 2006:
  Some people are like slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs
  - Anonymous

• Wednesday, February 1, 2006:
  They say that the new digitally animated star of Final Fantasy, Aki Ross, has eyes that give the eerie illusion of intelligence - not unlike those of George W. Bush
  - Comedian Joan Rivers

• Wednesday, February 8, 2006:
  Star Trek nerd: I don't deal with lesser life forms.
  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: You must be a lonely guy

• Friday, February 10, 2006:
  I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
  - English professor to a student at an Ohio university

• Saturday, February 11, 2006:
  Is it true you're getting a divorce as soon as your husband recovers his eyesight?
  - Comedian Groucho Marx

• Tuesday, February 14, 2006:
  When Hugh Hefner's in bed with a woman he can make her scream. She screams out, "Is he breathing?!?"
  - Comedian Gilbert Gottfried

• Monday, February 20, 2006:
  The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the president that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, "You know what? Let's grab lunch."
  - Comedian Bill Maher on President George W. Bush

• Sunday, February 26, 2006:
  If only this guy could use his stupidity for good, and not evil.
  - Talk show host David Letterman

• Thursday, March 2, 2006:
  He's the kind of bore who's here today and here tomorrow.
  - Actress Binnie Barnes

• Thursday, March 16, 2006:
  One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged.
  - Poet Heinrich Heine

• Friday, March 17, 2006:
  Why do people feel they have to get drunk on St. Patrick's Day? That's an insult to all the millions of Irish people who don't drink - the ones that are in AA.
  - Comedian Colin Quinn on Saturday Night Live

• Monday, March 20, 2006:
  Earlier today, President Bush made a speech about homeland security in front of Mount Rushmore. There was one awkward moment when Bush looked up at the monument and said, "Which one is President Rushmore?"
  - Talk show host Conan O'Brien

• Thursday, March 23, 2006:
  The United States Central Command of the Armed Forces has asked Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq. It should also be noted that the only three other people that the U.S. military has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam Hussein and his two sons.
  - Daily Show show host John Stewart

• Sunday, April 9, 2006:
  A million monkeys with a million crayons would be hard-pressed in a million years to create anything as cretinous as Battlefield Earth.
  - Critic Rita Kempley on Johnn Travolta's labor of love, Battlefield Earth (2000)

• Wednesday, April 19, 2006:
  You're not entirely useless. You can be used as a bad example.
  - Comedian Henny Youngman

• Monday, April 24, 2006:
  She's like that old joke about Philadelphia. First prize, four years with Joan. Second prize, eight.
  - Actress Franchot Tone about actress Joan Crawford

• Thursday, April 27, 2006:
  She looked as if she'd been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say when.
  - Writer P.G. Wodehouse

• Sunday, April 30, 2006:
  She only has one fault - she is insufferable.
  - Napoleon on salonist Mme. de Stael

• Monday, May 15, 2006:
  Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
  - Anonymous

• Friday, May 19, 2006:
  Heavyset newspaper magnate Lord Northcliffe: The trouble with you, Shaw, is that you look as if there was a famine in the land.
  Writer George Bernard Shaw: The trouble with you, Northcliffe, is that you look as if you were the cause of it.

• Saturday, May 27, 2006:
  I believe Mr. Davies went to film school - presumably not for long.
  - Director Ken Russell on fellow director Terence Davies

• Monday, May 29, 2006:
  When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, "Can I use a lifeline?"
  - Comedian Robin Williams

• Thursday, June 15, 2006:
  Wait, I just remembered something! You're boring and my legs work.
  - Actor David Spade (Finch) on TV show Just Shoot Me

• Tuesday, June 20, 2006:
  Don's idea of a fun evening is to show home movies of the attack on Pearl Harbor with a laugh track.
  - Singer Dean Martin about comedian Don Rickles

• Wednesday, June 21, 2006:
  Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will refuse his $175,000 salary and will work for free. I believe he will be worth every penny.
  - Talk show host Craig Kilborn

• Tuesday, July 4, 2006:
  The Sixth Amendment states that if you are accused of a crime, you have the right to a trial before a jury of people too stupid to get out of jury duty.
  - Humorist Dave Barry

• Tuesday, July 11, 2006:
  In her book Hillary Clinton said she could have divorced her husband for all of his infidelities, but decided to get counseling instead. In a related story Bill Clinton announced the name of his new book is What Does It Take to Get This Woman to Leave Me?
  - Talk show host Craig Kilborn

• Monday, July 17, 2006:
  Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
  - Writer Oscar Wilde

• Friday, July 21, 2006:
  You should request a refund from your university.
  - Host of the Weakest Link, Anne Robinson

• Sunday, August 13, 2006:
  You know, honey, you've still got your looks - where are you hiding them?
  - Actress Megan Mullally as Karen, in TV show Will and Grace

• Wednesday, August 16, 2006:
  French writer Paul Bourget: Life can never ben entirely dull to an American. When he has nothing else to do he can always spend a few years trying to discover who his grandfather was.
  Writer Mark Twain: Right, your Excellency. But I recognize a Frenchman's got a little standby for a dull time, too; he can turn in and see if he can find out who his father was.

• Friday, August 18, 2006:
  Govenor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced this week after he got elected, he took a voluntary course on sexual harassment. Arnold says the sexual harrasment course was a waste of time because, quote, "I already know how to do it."
  - Talk show host Conan O'Brien

• Monday, August 21, 2006:
  Shore possesses only two talents - his ability to assume yoga-like positions and fondle his own behind, and his mystifying knack for getting starring roles in bad movies.
  - Critic Peter Stack on actor Pauly Shore in the film Bio-Dome (1996)

• Tuesday, August 22, 2006:
  I like the way you manage to state the obvious with such a sense of discovery.
  - Writer Gore Vidal

• Thursday, August 31, 2006:
  We don't have much space to tell you about Glitter, so we'll be blunt. This star vehicle for singer Mariah Carey is primarily a showcase for her breasts.
  - Critic Megan Rosenfeld on singer Mariah Carey's movie debut bomb Glitter (2001)

• Saturday, September 2, 2006:
  You know, you have very beautiful children. It's a good thing your wife cheats on you.
  - Comedian Joey Bishop

• Monday, September 4, 2006:
  People always make fun of him (Jerry Lewis). but what about the good things he does? What about the fact that just last Labor Day a six-year-old kid got up out of his wheelchair and walked for the very first time - to turn off the Jerry Lewis Telethon.
  - Comedian Jeffery Ross about Jerry Lewis

• Thursday, September 7, 2006:
  The only difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road is that there are skid marks around the skunk.
  - Comedian Patrick Murray

• Friday, September 8, 2006:
  Have you thought about trying some new hair products? Personally, I'm a fan of shampoo.
  - Actress Lauren Collins (Paige Michalchuk) on TV show Degrassi High

• Monday, September 11, 2006:
  Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?
  - Comedian Groucho Marx

• Tuesday, September 12, 2006:
  There is a cold front moving across the country. Yeah, it's Hillary starting her book tour.
  - Talk show host Craig Kilborn about Senator Hillary Clinton

• Tuesday, September 19, 2006:
  Male contestant (after singing badly): I'm sorry.
  American Idol judge Simon Cowell: My thoughts exactly.

• Friday, September 29, 2006:
  One thing about my wife: She gives great headache.
  - Comedian Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School (1986)

• Monday, October 2, 2006:
  Diana Ross was sentenced to only two days in jail for drunk driving. The judge felt that a longer sentence would have been cruel and unusual punishment... for the inmates.
  - Comedian Joan Rivers

• Saturday, October 7, 2006:
  A diseased mind and soul so black that he would even obscure the darkness of hell.
  - Senator Reed Smoot on writer James Joyce

• Sunday, October 8, 2006:
  The film could have turned out worse, but only via the addition of a Tom Green cameo, or an accident in which the actors caught on fire.
  - Critic Keith Phipps on Catwoman (2004)

• Thursday, October 12, 2006:
  If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
  - Writer Mark Twain

• Sunday, October 15, 2006:
  Reporter: What do you think of Western civilization?
  Mahatma Gandhi: I think that it would be a very good idea.

• Tuesday, October 24, 2006:
  There is nothing like a cantankerous old man wo takes a hey-you-kids-get-off-my-lawn approach to foreign policy. The guy's literally just like a drunk swinging a broken bottle at people, "Hey, Netherlands, you looking at me?"
  - Daily Show host Jon Stewart, on Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld

• Friday, October 27, 2006:
  I remember when I was a kid - my dad sat me down and he said, "Jeff, some things in life just aren't funny. And one of those things is Al Franken."
  - Comedian Jeffrey Ross

• Tuesday, October 31, 2006:
  At many Halloween parties in Hollywood, celebrities dressed in patriotic costumes. Calista Flockhart came as a stripe.
  - Comedian Joan Rivers

• Wednesday, November 8, 2006:
  Hef is still looking for a woman he can spend the rest of his life with. He thinks he's finally ready for that three or four year commitment.
  - Comedian Rob Schneider roasting Hugh Hefner

• Tuesday, November 14, 2006:
  Look at you! You were so cute on All in the Family. What happened? Did you swallow Carrol O'Connor?
  - Trimph the Insult Comic Dog to Rob Reiner

• Wednesday, November 22, 2006:
  You're like Buddy Holly and Barney Rubble had a baby and then peed on it.
  - Comedian Jeffrey Ross to Drew Carey

• Saturday, November 25, 2006:
  Black folks - we know this is a great nation. Michael Jackson proved that. Where else could a poor black boy be born in utter poverty in Gary, Indiana, and end up being a rich white man? Only in America.
  - Comedian Dick Gregory

• Friday, December 8, 2006:
  An infamous liar, a revolting liar, a pusillanimous liar, a lying ass, a natural born liar, a liar by profession, a liar of living, a liar in the daytime, a liar in the night-time, a dishonest, ignorant, corrupt, and groveling crook.
  - Singer Kenneth McKeller on journalist Drew Pearson

• Wednesday, December 13, 2006:
  Contestant: I'm a former member of Mensa.
  Host of the Weakest Link Anne Robinson: Former member... did they throw you out?

• Friday, December 15, 2006:
  To be fair, Sandler deserves some credit for bringing us the first mainstream movie about Chanukah. Too bad it's completely idioticah.
  - Critic Elizabeth Weitzman on Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights (2002)

• Saturday, December 16, 2006:
  Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
  - Anonymous

• Tuesday, December 19, 2006:
  Vnde ars in tine naso (canis culum in tuo naso)! (A dog's butt in your face!).
  - From a tenth-century translation guide written for Frenchmen traveling in Germany

And finally... today's....

• Sunday, December 31, 2006:
  Oh, honey, i wish I could stay, but I don't want to.
  - Actress Megan Mullally as Karen, in TV show Will and Grace

Happy New Year, everybody! May you all have a prosperous 2007! I'll see you there!