Today I am calmer than I was last night. Recently someone asked me how I can tell if I think a guy will be good in bed. We had an interesting conversation about it that led into another conversation about understanding others. I personally feel that I am very easy to read. I wear my heart on my sleeve and try hard to let the people I like, admire, and respect know how I feel about them. I don't go out of my way to shower people with animosity if we are not friends. Mostly they fail to make my radar and I give them very little consideration unless I'm forced to interact with them. If I am very polite there's a good chance I don't really care for you because I love to tease my friends and am sometimes very sarcastic with them and know that they are just joking when I get it back in return. This is super fun for me and (hopefully) them.
Since I am a very visual person the first thing I notice about people is how they dress. I look for energy to match clothing and personal style and it bothers me when I feel that these are off. Sometimes people feel that I'm trying to take over their lives, I have a controlling side, but for the most part I try to adopt a live and let live policy. My oldest has mint green hair, she has a light colored pair of ripped jeans that she wears with a baggy striped hoodie, she throws an old flannel over that and I think she looks great. She has soft flowing energy and looks and feels good in clothes that are casual, comfortable, and practically falling apart. I will notice if you cut your hair, style it differently, get new shoes, or feel particularly good or not so great that day whether I say something to you about it, or keep my comments to myself.
Another thing I adore is when people smell good. Again, this doesn't have to be about products or perfumes, but if you do go there, I like it when there's congruity between how someone smells and who they are as a person. A woman I used to work with was very earthy, she could wear patchouli and it smelled great on her. Another woman I work with put it on once, it smelled wrong to me. This is kind of hard to explain, it's like the clothes thing, I recognize personality and style matches when I see them, I can immediately tell when there is a sense of rightness about anything. Then I work to figure out what it is. Most of my life is spent trying to figure out other people. Clothes, shoes, hairstyles, accessories, these are clues I use to try and understand who they are on the level that I can see.
Once I feel like I have a handle on how someone dresses I start to notice their mannerisms and personality traits. I try to be very accepting of whoever someone else is without tolerating things I shouldn't although I admit I have more trouble with that last part. I feel things very deeply, but I don't always let people see that because it's very scary to me to be vulnerable like that. If I tell you how I am feeling then there is a great chance that I like you and trust you not to use something I've shared against me in the future. I almost never do this even on a very casual level so if you've heard from me that I'm furious, sad, bored, or flying high; count yourself as someone whose opinion I value.
There are two types of people in my life. Those I understand, and those I don't. This has nothing to do with whether I like or dislike someone. I may perfectly understand someone and not care for them. They may be a complete mystery to me, yet I want them as a friend or lover. Until I understand someone I tend to reserve trust. This is because I view people I don't understand as unpredictable. Sometimes I feel bad that I don't trust people more, but I try very hard to be true to myself. Respect on the other hand is something I am comfortable giving away immediately. I've conditioned myself to respect others until and unless they do something to weaken that. Once my respect for someone is gone, it rarely comes back. If you lose it and you can earn it back, you are incredibly rare and you can bet there is a lot being invested in you.
If I really like you I will tell you if and when you hurt my feelings. I will expect an apology if the offense was particularly grave and if you try to minimize how I feel, I will lose a lot of respect for you, I won't trust you the way that I did if I did trust you, and I will start creating distance between us unless I feel like you are no longer worth my time. Certain jokes are not funny, this is a great way to get on my bad side. I can take a lot and am not easily offended, but I have certain triggers and boundaries. I'm not offended by the idea that I might like sports just because occasionally a good looking guy plays. It doesn't offend me to be called an airhead, blonde jokes don't bother me, but if you try to make a joke about women needing or deserving punishment I doubt we will ever speak again.
I try to make life better for my friends. I listen to them, I encourage them, I buy presents for them, I don't really want or need anything in return although small tokens of appreciation go a long way with me. I am hard to buy for and I realize that. I do not like surprises, even 'the good kind'. I like honest praise and compliments that make me feel like someone has taken the time to really get to know me. Telling me I am smart is not necessarily a compliment because I have an evil genius reputation. Telling me that I think of something in a unique way, or spelling out a time when my knowledge or insight was particularly helpful or made someone feel better about themselves will score big with me. Do not try to fake your way into my life by complimenting me. It won't work and you'll feel very cold once I sense that and freeze you.
One of the biggest things anyone can do to impress me is to go out of their way for another person. I try to do this whenever I can, I am very sensitive to it, and I notice it whether I comment on it or not. Basically I like the people who assess a situation, see what needs to be or can be done, and then find a way to do it with minimal fuss while they act like this was a normal thing anyone would have done. I have gone shopping with unruly toddlers, I have been a single mom, I have been the only woman in a room full of men at a conference, I have spent time in a psychiatric facility, my normal is not yours and vice versa. Noticing the people who are weaker and helping them unobtrusively earns big points with me. This is why I love my boss so much. She lifts and builds those who need it most.
Once I decide that you are someone I can respect I might do things to try and keep you in my life. If I understand you, this is great because then I want to fall in love with your mind and the way that it works if I perceive you as the intellectual type. These are some of my very favorite people in the whole entire world and I will do a lot for them if I feel that there is a reciprocal connection. If not, I will admire from afar. I am a touchy feely person, but only around people I feel safe with and like or love. Do not try to touch me if we are not friends or do not get along well. I love to be hugged and kissed, I love to have my arm rubbed, I get to know people by degrees so don't invade my personal space unless we are close. Once we are, feel free to love me up as much as you want. I adore that kind of thing and can't get enough of it.
I try to remember things that people tell me by which I mean that your hopes, fears, and dreams are very important to me and I will do whatever I can to keep hope alive, protect you from harm during real danger, and help you see that your dream may seem silly or unobtainable to others, but even if you think it is too big, I believe very strongly in others and see little benefit in shooting down the ideas of others. My oldest wants to be an author, she writes well, but I know that few people are able to live on what authors make and even fewer people who write will be paid for their work. To me a way to support her is to encourage her to write as a side hustle. She can have her cake and eat it too in my world. People shot down dreams of mine and maybe someday I will tell you the story of my trip to Chicago, but not today.
Once I feel that we have established a connection I will try to make your world better just by being in it. I like a lot of space and distance, I love to write, I like to read, sports are a part of my life and I have no problem entertaining myself for long periods of time. I love to talk on the phone, I like long text conversations, I bet I have enough material for a book based on what I have in my Twitter messages. People often confide in me and I do my best to respect their confidences, sometimes all they needed was someone to listen to them while they sorted out their problem themselves. I can solve problems, but I try hard not to be an enabler. When I ask for help it is because I deeply trust and respect you and feel that you can give it to me without strings attached. I would rather be alone forever than ask anyone I don't trust for help.
Let's say that you and I have known each other for a while and we get along. You do things for me and I do things for you and we are going along fine, but you sense that I am holding something back. I am almost always holding something back and the only time I'm not is when I feel one hundred percent safe with you. There are a handful of people who make me feel this way. There are people who have known me for decades that I talk to on a regular basis and I am still holding things back from them. This is only because I am scared. It doesn't have anything to do with you, it's me. My emotions are unruly and confusing. I dislike it when people can sense how I am feeling, even those people that I feel are my friends and are close to me.
If I have ever cried in front of you during a conversation that we didn't have to have that means I feel like you are a very special person in my life. Most of the time I will just shut down and retreat. I feel like I have cried more times since I started this job than I ever have previously. I almost started crying at work yesterday when my manager said something that was emotionally charged during a conversation we were having. I do not want to talk about my feelings with most people. This is an exhausting topic for me. If I bring it up that's one thing, I hate it when people ask me if I am okay. If you have to ask, I'm probably not. I like it when people ask what I need. That is helpful. Sometimes I know what I need without knowing what I feel. Also, tell me what you need because your feelings typically won't make sense to me.
I love to argue and debate things. I don't care who is right and who is wrong, sometimes there is no clear cut answer to be had. I will respect you if you can challenge my position and successfully defend it. I will respect you more if you tell me that I am right when I am and make me believe that I am wrong, but entitled to be wrong about a certain issue. I have friends who will ask me to take the opposite side of a position and this is fun for me too. I love to learn and if you are a person who also likes to learn even when the subject matter is difficult, I will probably like and respect you. If you can apply what you have learned I will really respect you, and if you can do all of that while keeping peace and making others feel understood, you are, practically speaking, my hero.
I am an idealist, a perfectionist, a thinker, and I have a relentless quest for self improvement. No area of my life is exempt from this. I am constantly asking whether things need to be done, what order they could or should be done in, I crave efficiency and love to work with people who work smart and hard. Logical people make sense to me. Practical people are needed in my life even though I rarely understand them and wish I had a more practical streak. People who can sense what others are feeling are way cool to me. I like to talk to these people and get their perspective because I know that the logical or practical answer isn't always taking the emotions of others into consideration although sometimes we have to set emotions aside which I also do not like to do.
My world tends to be very black and white. During the summer I like to wear a lot of bold colors. During the winter I like to wear a lot of black. Certain colors make me feel a certain way. Black makes me feel calm, I feel more powerful when I wear black, and I don't want to make a categorical statement like black is my favorite color, but I tend to be drawn to it when it's worn well and that's the key. I can pass up a hundred guys wearing black, and then there will be that one that will make me melt. It's kind of crazy and I'm glad those people don't come along too often in my life or I don't know what I would do. I have a very high tolerance for a certain type of risk and low tolerance for others. This is probably confusing to people and I get that. I want to feel alive and rarely does the mundane do that for me.
I crave adventure, but my adventures probably don't sound like the adventures of others. I love to go to new libraries and check them out. I love to indulge my senses and do so whenever I can, things that smell nice, taste good, tart, sweet, sour, bitter, I love to try new foods and I love to share my experiences with others. If I love you I will feed you and I will try to notice what you like and dislike while pushing the envelope because safety is usually boring to me even though I often crave a certain type of it. Once I feel safe people will see that I have a very playful, bold, and daring side. I know the rules and I like to see how far they can be bent with the right person, but it has to be someone I trust implicitly.
Flirting is fun for me. I divide flirtation into two categories and I call them Type 1 and Type 2. Type 1 is the typical not very serious silly comments and outrageous statements. Almost everyone I know gets this from me. I like to make people feel good about who they are and what they do well. I will flirt with men and women because I can see why men find women attractive and I want them to know - hey girl, you've got it going on and you should keep rocking it because it's a beautiful thing. Type 2 flirting is the art of erotic conversation mingled with the science of biochemistry coupled with psychological and environmental elements designed to fuel and enhance desire. I never flirt with men like this unless he initiates it or I feel like he would be receptive to this type of game.
I've tried to explain The Vibe to others, hopefully this will make sense to you. Men and women are sexual creatures, but I'm specifically seeking and attracted to the sensual beings. The Vibe is what I call the signals people send and receive when they feel like a romantic or sexual encounter is possible. Notice I did not say probable or likely, I said possible. I don't know how they do it, but some men can just stand there and radiate positive sexual energy. I am immediately drawn to and attracted to them and want to get to know them much better. Basically he makes me feel like he'd stand there while I ripped off his clothes and he'd like that kind of attention, but he'd make me work for everything I'm getting.
I love the men who can make me feel The Vibe from across the room without either of us saying a word or even really looking at each other. It's incredibly exciting, it's like a real life chess game that only the two of you know you're playing. Nothing is happening, but it feels like everything is. It's romantic detachment for the sake of sensual tension, like he's building an internal fire and adding fuel to increase the intensity just to make me burn white hot. It's so obvious to me I marvel that others seem oblivious, but I feel like they are because nobody comments on it or says anything. I can only play along when I trust the other person not to hurt me. It's kind of strange because you avoid being close to the other person, but the space and distance create an unusual sort of shared intimacy nobody else is experiencing.
The feeling is complete safety and infinite danger, calculated strategy, precise movements, heightened awareness, economy of expression, and I both love and hate that they can do this to me. It feels as if they are my slave and my master and I will be deliriously happy in either role and we both intuitively know who has the power and control at that moment in time. It's a super charged adrenaline high and you can choose to feed it, or starve it depending on your whim, or theirs. Most of the time game playing has a negative connotation, here is where that doesn't apply. It's absolutely a game, but you both win and it's glorious. I can't even begin to explain the dizzying and devastating effect this has on me, all I can say is you better be prepared to finish this game if you decide to try and play it with me.
People have periodically told me I am complicated. I see myself as very simple. I like organization, efficiency, good food, and sensual experiences. I like nice cars, sports, going to the library, and working hard for what I see as a greater good. I want harmony, stability, accountability, freedom, to love and to be loved in return by people I respect that make me want to be the best version of myself. Working on you makes me proud of you. I have dark moments and I can sit by myself through them, but I really appreciate the people who are in tune with my moods and do little things to let me know I'm valued for the contributions I make, and cherished despite my flaws. I know who I am, I know what I am not, I love the people who see what I can be as well as those who can accept the past and present that have led me here.
If you are reading this know that I do not share this type of thing with just anyone which may seem like a contradiction because this is a public site that anyone can read. My life is full of contradictions and I have accepted this about myself. Anyone can read this, but not everyone will get a link to it and if you do you are in my very inner circle of people I respect, love, trust, and admire. This is an effort to help others understand me, not some sort of Jessica hack that people can try and use to get into my head and mess around in there. That's my playground and you'll know if you've been invited because our conversations will reveal more about me than my writing ever will (at least that's how I feel). I want to understand, I am less about being understood if that makes sense. This was fun in a scary way. I hope it helps.
Much love,
j