Next on CBS: don't miss the season premiere of Democratic Survivor! Nine contestants will struggle to outwit and outlast each other all the way to the National Convention! That's Democratic Survivor, next on CBS!
Open on a wide panning shot of Martha's Vineyard, then zoom in on a stage where Terry McAuliffe and the nine contestants are standing.
McAuliffe: Welcome to Survivor Island! This week, one of the nine contestants you are about to meet will be voted off the island. Who will it be? Let's meet our three tribes. First, the Left Liberators!
Dick Gephardt and Dennis Kucinich stand in silence, while Al Sharpton cheers himself on.
Sharpton: Yeah, baby! Whoo!
McAuliffe: Tell everybody watching at home a little about yourselves.
Gephardt: (slowly, looking immensely nervous) Well, my name's Dick Gephardt. (someone snickers faintly in the background) I'm from Missouri, and I've been in the House of Representatives for, oh, twenty years, maybe, and...
Kucinich: (waving his fist) MY name is Dennis Kucinich! I'm going to be the last one left, because I'm the baddest motherfucker on Earth!
Joe Lieberman: Language!
Kucinich: (quickly straightening his combover) None of you stand a CHANCE! That's right, NONE of you!
Sharpton: We can put forth these earnest pla-ti-tudes as much as we wish to, but I am the one who will unite these warring factions to seize the glory of the mountaintop from the dark forces of neo-conservative aggression.
(A long, awkward silence)
McAuliffe: Okay then, let's meet the Borderline Squad! Joe, we'll start with you.
Lieberman: Thank you, Terry. I'm Joe. (thinks for a moment) I guess that's all I have to say.
John Kerry: My fellow Americans, I'm John Kerry, and I say: Ask not what your country can do for you...
Bob Graham: (clears throat) Friends, my name is Bob Graham. I want to be your next president for a number of reasons, mostly because I come from Florida, but also because I have served in the Senate and as a governor for almost forty years, and as a member of the Intelligence Committee, I...
McAuliffe: Let's hear what the Dark Horses have to say. Howard Dean, you can go first.
Dean: (smirking) Terry, it's time for us to take the power back. That's all I have to say.
He pumps his fist in the air, and a crowd somewhere cheers loudly.
McAuliffe: Who was that?
Dean: "Survivor Island for Dean." (pause) A lot of people here read my blog.
Carol Moseley Braun: My name is...
McAuliffe: Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that you got a bunch of people on Survivor Island to show up just by posting an announcement on your... blog?
Dean: Yup.
McAuliffe: Do they know that you proposed to use this island for target practice?
Dean: (whispering) They don't. That's the beauty of it!
He pumps his fist again, and the cheering continues.
McAuliffe: Huh. Well then, it's time to break off into our tribes...
John Edwards: You skipped me, Terry.
McAuliffe: Yeah, well, let's get going.
Edwards: Dammit!
Braun: I didn't like the way I was being treated. Howard was going to walk all over me, and John, too. But if he could win the events and push our tribe into the lead, then what could I do?
Kerry: I'm a Vietnam vet, and I could tell right away that Bob wasn't going to cut it. I mean, look at him. He's flabby. Well, so is Joe... but at least Joe has that big shiny head that we can use to draw
enemy fire in an emergency.
Cut to the Left camp. Kucinich is smoking a blunt and doing tai chi while Sharpton admires himself in a mirror and Gephardt stares at his feet.
Gephardt: Dennis, do you have to use illegal drugs while we're on national television?
Kucinich: That fogey. Why can't he get out of the
old school and embrace the ideals that make the Liberal Left what it is? He should be proud of his ideological heritage. Well, I'll tell ya what, he's going to be in for a
rude awakening when they make me
comrade-in-chief, that's for sure.
Sharpton: Man, seriously, Dennis is like a hippie version of
Ross Perot. I want him out of our tribe, the sooner the better. We have to be represented by someone with image... someone like, oh, let's say, me.
Off in the distance, a bugle begins playing Hail to the Chief.
Sharpton: Dang, y'all, we'd better get movin'!
Kucinich: Chill out, Al. Let me finish my movement.
Deep in the jungles of Martha's Vineyard, the nine contestants line up for their first race.
McAuliffe: Gentlemen...
Braun coughs loudly.
McAuliffe: ...welcome to our first contest. On the other side of this festering sea of muck lies a treasure chest... a lockbox. Whoever gets to the lockbox first will win a very special prize that's hidden inside. Are you all ready?
Gephardt: What does the lockbox look like?
McAuliffe: It's a box, Dick. It has a lock on it. You won't have trouble finding it in the fucking jungle.
Lieberman: Language!
McAuliffe: On your mark... get set... GO!
The contestants dive into the bog and instantly end up in a swarming tackle. Graham is tossed aside, lands against a giant plastic alligator, and screams loudly. Then, Kerry breaks away from the pack and begins charging out of the swamp. As he sees the lockbox, Wesley Clark leaps out of a tree in full Rambo gear and sets off running.
Kerry: Hey!
Clark grabs the box.
Kerry: Hey, that's MINE!
Kerry charges Clark, but Clark quickly draws his jungle knife and holds Kerry at bay.
Clark: How badly do you want it now, huh? Huh?
Kerry: I...
Clark: That's right, PUNK! Army beats Navy any day!
Clark takes off running again.
Kerry: Hey! Nobody beats a Massachusetts senator on Martha's Vineyard!
Back at the starting line, Clark dashes past the pile of bodies and shows the lockbox to McAuliffe. McAuliffe produces a key.
McAuliffe: Congratulations, Wes. I don't know where the hell you came from, but the contents of the lockbox are yours.
Clark opens the lockbox and discovers an amulet and a handwritten note.
Clark: (opens the note) "Dear Survivor. This is a sacred Pendant of Mojo, recovered from the Great Pyramids of Egypt and given to me as a gift by Hosni Mubarak. It will bring you great wang and keep you riding high in the polls. Good luck. Sincerely... Bill Clinton."
Kucinich comes running up behind them.
Kucinich: Hey, hey, I want mojo! Where's my mojo?
Clark: Beat it, shrimp. (he hangs the amulet around his neck) The wang is mine!
Graham: So he beat us to the amulet.
Jimmy Carter didn't have an amulet, and he still won. ...That was a scary alligator, I mean, seriously.
Dean: I have all the mojo I need. Wes can have the pendant. I'll get him soon enough.
Kerry: Who the hell was that crazy bastard?
Nighttime (with floodlights, of course).
McAuliffe: Now, each of you must vote to decide who gets booted off the island. Since we have an extra contestant, he'll be joining the tribe that loses its member. So who's it going to be?
Sharpton: Dennis.
Gephardt: Al.
Kucinich: Dick.
Lieberman: Bob.
Graham: Kerry.
Kerry: Bob.
Dean: Bob.
Graham: What?!
Braun: Howard.
Edwards: Howard.
McAuliffe: Well, it looks like the mandate is clear. Bob, you've been voted off the island.
Bob grins sheepishly, then slinks off into the darkness.
Graham: Those shady jerks! Here I am, beating them all with my experience, my intellect, my reason, and they kick me off because of the stupid alligator incident!
Dean: Bob needed the mojo. I mean, seriously, crashing into a fake alligator? And screaming? That's just too funny. I feel sorry for him, really. He just needs more wang.
Edwards: I really would have rather had Wes on our team. It's going to be hard to beat the middle if he's sided up with them. Howard should have gone, but we'll get him next round.
Graham:
Screw you guys. I'm going home.
McAuliffe: Well, that's all the time we have for this week! Join us next week, when another contestant will be voted off of... Democratic Survivor!