Die Warzau

A currently disbanded "techno-industrial" type duo from Chicago. Van Christie and Jim Marcus were the two dudes that were in it. They released three albums, that I know of, Disco Rigido, Big Electric Metal Bass Face, and Engine. These recordings generally whip a llama's ass. Jim and Van had a studio in Chicago called Warzone, and were published by Fiction and TVT Records. They are also connected to the Chicago-based bands KMFDM and Sister Machine Gun (among others) through various remixes and side-projects. They broke up sometime around 1997.
They had a cool t-shirt for sale in the mid 90s that said "Fuck Like Monkeys" on the front, and on the the back in small letters said:

Fruitopia sucks and the commercials are meaningless. No one thinks Ted Danson's hair looks good. The zoo is a stupid place and the snacks are way too expensive. Police in the middle of the street could all go home and paint if people actually obeyed traffic laws. Christians are generally creepy people as a direct result of the dysfunctional dynamic of worshipping a dead naked hippie. People who think I need to be told I'm a freak need to be cracked in the knee with a full Jagermeister bottle. Punk IS dead and fortunately it took a whole lot of punks to do it. Only men can stop rape. Barbie is a dippy doll but she goes skydiving and I've never been so I guess she's smarter than me. This has no bearing on the fact that she has an outfit for every conceivable activity but still can't stand upright. Camel cigarettes are dumb and Camel Joe is dumber and the Marlboro man was the dumbest of them all for working for a bunch of homophobic, butwad pukes. Most women with large breasts already know they have them so you don't need to remind them. The reason people don't like Zima is that it doesn't really taste like 7-Up but it looks like it should. The new candy coating on Count Chocula ruins a perfectly good cereal for no reason and I hate that on principle. I commonly beat people who beat their children and I don't feel bad about it. Does the fact that Evian costs the same as a Coke mean that my carmel color stock is worthless? When old men's penises stop working they start wars, so we should try to extend the sex lives of older men as a survival strategy. Someone should comment on the millions of slave women who were raped during American history, but someone probably won't. People who believe in capital punishment trust their government a whole lot more than I do. The Bible makes a killer coaster and keep your table from wobbling. There is no such thing as an information superhighway and the term 'African-American' only makes sense if I can be 'Irish-Jewish American', otherwise you're an American, dopey. The ACLU is the coolest organization since the Jedi Warriors (a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away). Rush Limbaugh should spend a week as a woman walking around the streets of Chicago and see if that doesn't shut his fat, stupid, sexist, piece of shit, piggy mouth. There should be one day out of the year when all the politicians have to walk around aimlessly with all the people ignoring them all day so they know what it's like to be homeless. There might be enough books, records, paintings, movies, and fonts in the world but there are definitely not enough bathrooms. You should be able to try crime and see if you like it before you agree to all the laws we've made. Watermelon candy never tastes anything remotely like watermelon. A smarter civilization than ours would legalize prostitution to protect prostitutes. You should speak Spanish and your children should speak Japanese.

Thanks to Stealth for the shirt quote

The shirt was their 1995 tour t-shirt. In addition, it had written on it:

Now that we're smart enough to stop dragging our women by the hair into caves to fuck them, maybe we can start paying them equal wages for equal work. Human Beings have eaten, worn, shot, blown up, screwed, tortured and generally annoyed enough animals on this planet to inspire the genetic imperative to rise up and kick our stupid donkey butts. I hope this happens while republicans are in office. The most significant and insightfully gathered piece of knowledge you can pick up in school is how much it sucks to blindly obey someone else's rules. The smart thing to do would be to learn it. Some of the models in Sears underwear ads are actually worth looking at for extended periods. Bill Gates is the Devil. Parents who buy their children toy guns are mostly just speeding their own departure from the gene pool. Animals do some of the same things we do but for totally different reasons. The basic difference between paying for sex and paying for food is that you can eat alone. Talk show guests are paid by the pound now with bonuses paid out on a case by case basis for each missing tooth. My father's advice on sex never actually graduated from "keep it in your pants" but in the most expansive of all possible senses I never realized how reasonable this could really be. Until prisons start paying for themselves, we'll never get prisoners to accept responsibility for their actions. There are enough men in this country who pay women to step on their wee-wees in tiny leopard skin panties and whip them to qualify as a legitimate voting block. If they elect me, I'll see to it that they all get beat like bunnies. Aliens gauge how intelligent a species is by how few alarm clocks they own per capita. Guns don't kill people. Soup doesn't kill people. Guns with people loosely attached to the butt by virtue of an appendage and used according to their legitimate function kill people. You can't say the same thing about soup. One of the two million principal differences between Andy Warhol and Jeff Koons is that Warhol had the sense to notice he was dead. In the Disney tradition, Mickey mouse looks progressively more like Hitler each Generation. Smurfette needs a hobby and no innuendo please. Everyone I know whose seen his father's penis has been irreparably scarred by it. I want to have a child just to imbue my genitals with that kind of power. I want peace on earth but will settle for my own talk show. When programming for the Macintosh, don't ever move the pointer for a text block without moving the handle. If this means nothing to you, be grateful. I want Cicciolina as the fourth person in line for the presidency of the United States and Newt Gingrich being bopped up the butt by buff studs. How can I get this? I'm starting to believe that Adam and Stuart Chandler are played by different people. Wouldn't it be great if there were some way of getting Jody Foster's attention that somehow didn't involve shooting someone? If we put all the crazy people who believe they are Jesus Christ in the same room together, we could very possibly cure all but the absolutely most convincing one. If we know for a fact that the final destiny of the human race is as hyperintelligent fish sucking supersaturated algae from the tops of rapidly cooling radioactive puddles, can we just turn ourselves into toasters now? Elvis is dead and he makes quite a handsome collectible plate. It doesn't take much imagination to suspect that trees don't like us much. I think having sex with Clive Barker would involve hand puppets of some kind. It's really easy to lie to people with multiple personalities. Rush Limbaugh isn't really worth talking about anymore but the resemblance to Barney the dinosaur is really staggering. Monkeys play with their feces and humans measure their penises. There's a planet somewhere where both of these are equally amusing. The entire history of the human race would be completely and absolutely turned on its head and our present world would be completely unrecognizable if human beings bounced. Limited pattern homosexuality is a positive response on behalf of a species to it's environment and can render that species more viable. Write me if you need me to tell you why. Very soon we will all agree on exactly when the good old days were. Ronald Mcdonald is pure evil and not a funny clown. Chicken places that advertise with a big anthromorphised smiling chicken-guy are really the next stage in our race's development toward cannibalism. More people should learn how to walk away when they're being yelled at. Being necessary is better than being sexy. Everything I ever needed to know I learned by fucking it up the first time. Abandoned missile silos would make great homeless shelters. I'm just saying. I have a special stapler for the testicles of parents who tell their children to shut up. If the rain forest had breasts it would all still be there but it might not be virgin anymore. please forget that last one. It shouldn't cost anything to run for president. A 27 dollar a pack tax on cigarettes would solve almost any problem I could think of off the top of my head.It seems pointless to spend 139 dollars on a vacuum cleaner when just 23,000 miles away, vacuum is free. People who can't cry at the end of Hair/the movie are either insensitive to the plight of the modern pacifist in an aggressive environment or just don't like Treat Williams. And for god's sake, Don't let your landlord make you pay for paint.